Here’s some selected videos of the performances:

Boyce Bailey

www.boycebailey.com

Bovine

www.richardtingley.co.uk

Joel Veitch

www.rathergood.com

Richard Tyrone Jones

www.utterspokenword.com

Mushybees

www.mushybees.com

Robert Auton

www.myspace.com/robertauton

Kunt and the Gang



www.kuntandthegang.co.uk

Other people who performed included Joel Veitch, Nick J, Mike Rampton and David Stevenson, but they’re all too shy for their work to be stuck on youtube.

BTW: I enjoyed myself making the crap jingles.

A song / video produced for JibJab by me and Dave. This is the second version (they hated the first version), and I thought up the rough idea for the video in Old Street tube station 1hr before the first Sickipedia night. I was waving my fingers around going, “it could be like this!”. For the actual production Dave drew some lovely kittens, we stuck them to his hands and I tried to keep the camera still so I’d be able to edit it together. BTW: My favourite line in this is “Happy Birthday, it’s catty purrday!” which comes from a joke I have with my 4 year old son about giving our cat Rocky a birthday.

Watch ‘Birthday Cats’

Alien at the Bottom of the Garden

To support a Channel 4 TV program Generation XXL – about overweight children – C4 asked me to produce a tamagotchi style game on didn’t mock the subject matter. A pretty difficult brief for me so I dragged in Matt Round and it was his brilliant insight that making the main character an alien would solve many of the problems. Well done Matt!

Play ‘Alien at the Bottom of the Garden’

Ego press – not sure why but there was a tiny flurry of mentions of B3ta and myself in the press at the end of 2009.

• B3ta listed in The Guardian’s 100 essential websites. They’re pretty accurate in their write-up too: “B3TA Beyond classification; its forum has spawned many memes … and more than its fair share of trolls.”
• 5 British web celebs more important than Stephen Fry – according to The Mirror, this includes me. My wife took the piss out of this so long, and so hard that she actually made me some mockery crockery to deflate a potentially engorged ego.
• Revolution Magazine’s Future 50 – thanks to the inspirational Rory Sutherland I get a mention in this list of “marketers, authors, entrepreneurs, and thinkers who will shape the digital industry of tomorrow.” Ego overload! BTW: Rory – best known as the Executive Creative Director at Ogilvy – did a great talk at TED called Life Lessons from an Adman, you should watch it.

The night that should NEVER happen is back…

With the first one being a success, the Ents Manager, Russ Tannen has invited us back. To be honest I’m shitting myself even more the second time around – I spent most of the time with my head in my hands going, “please don’t say anything that’ll get me beaten up and thrown out.”

Sticking people on stage is anxiety making in the extreme. Will these people sink? Will these people swim? How do I get people on and off stage effectively? How do I stop people who who hog the mic and won’t go? Last time I was advised to use a torch in peoples eyes which was as about effective as a mouse going squeak.

So the plan is as before – ask the B3tans and Sickipedians (and anyone reading really) who fancies doing a 5 minute turn. People who have never tried this before are welcome, so get in touch asap if you fancy it.

• Location – The Old Blue Last, 38 Great Eastern Street, Shoreditch, London, EC2A 3ES. Google map.
• Date – 8pm, weds, 9th December
• Nearest tube: Old Street
• Capacity, about 100
• Facebook event

The Line Up So Far…

Mushy Bees (returning) – triumphant from his debut at the first comedy night we did, is our favourite arty tranny. We also invited Mushy to our birthday but he can’t make it as he proved so popular at the first night he’s got a booking that clashes. Still, he can make our comedy night and that’s the important thing. mushybees.com

Dan Pearce (new) – Aged 27 and from London, ‘Reason I am doing this: A drunk conversation with mates where I might have said “how hard can stand-up actually be?’ So now I am going to be made to eat my words!”

Boyce Bailey (new) “I’m 34. I work for a financial training company doing design. I like to brew cider, which doesn’t come out half a rough as you’d expect. It’s better than all pub and shop bought stuff. If you can cook, you can brew.”

Michael J (new) – “I’m 18, from Hertfordshire and still at school but work part time in a newsagents.”

David Stevenson (returning) – I work with David doing both B3ta projects (he co-writes the newsletter), and also Dave does a lot of illustration stuff on the other commercial work I do. Dave also is doing the comedy circuit and can be found most weeks in various London clubs. www.david-stevenson.com.

Jewish Nazi (returning) – “I’m a fencing erecter – neither Jewish or Nazi but I am circumsized and have a swastika scarred into my left butt cheek.”

Joel Veitch (returning) – of rathergood.com fame, Joel promises to do ruder jokes this time as last time he was concerned that we were filming it and was worried about what might end up on Youtube. To be clear, if we film anything then we will put nothing online unless we have the individuals express permission. www.rathergood.com.

tricyclic_looper (returning) – “born in the cultural wasteland of Essex, and currently resides in the literal wasteland of East London. After discovering the sick joke website Sickipedia, he found a convenient receptacle in which to pour his bile, hatred and rampant misanthropy with disturbingly compulsive regularity. tricyclic_looper hopes his return to the jungles of Shoreditch will be less ignominious than Jordan’s.” View sickipedia profile.

Nick James (new) – “Londoner. Late twenties, late developer, latent homosexual. I went to the first Sickipedia night and had a laugh at some of the acts. I thought I could probably do better than some of the others though.” He he – the challenge is on!

Richard Tingley (new) – best known to me as Bovine from the B3ta boards, Richard has recently been running a video blog which with it’s mixture of jokes and confessional I’m finding rather compelling. I reckon there’s a independent film in it somewhere. Very pleased Richard has agreed to join in our silly plans. Watch Richard on Youtube.

Robert Auton (new) – “I’m a stand up poet. I’m 27. I live in Walthamstow. I shared a dressing room with Lionel Blair at this years Edinburgh festival, an experience I will take to the grave with me.”

Jay Rolfe (new) – “I’m 23 and from Surrey” writes Jay. He also works in TV as a runner.

Jeremy Gomez (new) – “40s, Brick Lane, Minicab driver, learnt English by listening to Radio 4.”

Mike Rampton (new) – “I’m 26, a journalist, and in London. I used to be called mike on b3ta way back in the day.”

David Schaal (new) – “Just for your information, I play Jay’s dad Terry Cartwright in The Inbetweeners.”

If YOU fancy doing a turn then please get in touch ASAP with me at robmanuel at gmail dot com

Today he’s sent me four lovely videos. (He recorded many more but I don’t want to swamp you with this stuff.)

Mushy Bees

First up is Mushy Bees who did an extraordinary act that was the magic combination of being both original and funny. He’s never been on stage before and you can commission him to do his lovely art work via his site.

Richard Tyrone Jones

Richard is an old hand at this stuff and also has a book out. Richard did two short sets, I particularly loved the first but he doesn’t want it online so I’m going with the second. You can also stalk him via his facebook page.

Tricyclic Looper

Tric is one of our highest scoring sickipedian who crafts all his own gags on the site. He’s also dreadfully interesting to talk to about what makes gags vote highly. Read his jokes here.

Wylis

Wylis came down all the way from Leeds to join us. Read his jokes here.

I thought a reasonable half-measure would be to stick up some of the messages I’ve written for the journalists who got in touch.

CHORTLE

First off there was Jay Richardson who wrote the original (and most upsetting) item for Chortle. This was a hatchet job produced by Jay emailing me, not telling me his intentions and getting his quotes by subterfuge. With journalism there’s something called a “right to reply” which means if someone writes a highly critical story they should tell you about it before publication and give you an opportunity to defend yourself. Anyway – a copy of the original emails between us are here. On reflection – I’m sure Jay Richardson’s intentions were noble – he’s was just trying to help his friends – but it was at my expense so I have to flag it.

THE INDEPENDENT

Chris Green of the Independent wrote a much fairer story presenting both sides clearly. The comments I gave him were:

It’s really unfortunate what’s happened with Gary Delaney. I apologise fully for the behaviour of some of our sites users.

We run a public forum for gags – and, like any user-submitted content site, this has plusses and minuses. It’s completely great that there’s this big pile of amusing (and often stomach churning) material for all to read but occasionally stuff turns up that gives us nightmares.

Mostly we try and be hands off – we allow the users to vote stuff up and down. Anything that’s voted down too much drops off the site.

Our members feel that us poking around too much and overriding their democratic decisions is damaging to the site. So if stuff is removed they have a habit of posting it straight back on – it’s called the Streisand effect – where the internet routes around what it sees as damage or censorship.

When Gary got in touch we didn’t know what to do about his complaint as it was the first of its kind and we worried about it: that if we did as we were asked we’d just create a bigger problem.

Hence I advised Gary to contact the person who was submitting his material himself as I hoped they might work it out between themselves.

This hands-off moderation strategy proved to be the wrong approach as I believe Gary didn’t get what he wanted.

So then – being unsure of the best way to proceed – we acted on Gary’s request and deleted the material ourselves, big mistake. As we feared, the community saw his jokes being removed as an attack on their free speech and reacted awfully.

We learnt from this and worked with Gary to find a solution that allows people to attribute jokes. Obvious in retrospect, really. Gary now tells us he’s happy with this solution. Thank god.

I’ve also apologised privately to Gary for allowing my uncertainty of how to deal with this delay a solution.

- what action has your site taken to prevent unattributed jokes appearing?

All jokes now have the option of being attributed by anyone who reads them. The principle – like Wikipedia – many eyes keep things accurate.

But I’d like to stress the site is set up to collect the jokes that do the rounds in pubs etc, and not to step on the toes of comics on the club circuit.

However as our site evolved over the last 3 or 4 years we’ve found that many of our contributors spend hours crafting their own material, and find it extremely valuable to test it out via our site.

- what are your views on plagiarism in comedy? Is a joke public property as soon as it’s said in a gig, or should it remain the property of the comic?

Web marketing people call stuff that self-propagates as viral. Jokes are the original viral. They get thought up, they mutate and they get passed around via speech and leap-frog onto whatever the current technology is of the day.

This is true of jokes thought up by comics who work in the industry and also ordinary people – a witty line or comic observation is part of everyday discourse for people, the vast majority of whom don’t work in the comedy industry.

We’re interested in these people – letting them share their jokes with a bigger audience than just their chums.

- Also, is it true that Sickipedia’s hosting its own comedy night tonight in Shoreditch?

Yes, we have 12 or so comics on many of whom haven’t been on stage before and some who’ve honed their craft by inventing one-liners for Sickipedia.

Simply some guy who works in a pub who’s a fan of the website emailed me and said, “what about doing a comedy night?” I thought no, then yes, it would be really fascinating to stick these untried web comics on stage and see what they do. Can someone who can turn a phrase on a web browser get on stage?

So I said yes – and it’s absolutely devastating that this simple let’s do something for shits and giggles is getting confused with a moderation dispute. I’m literally getting panic attacks now that this has turned into a press story.

SUNDAY TIMES

My replies to David Schneider – yep, him off the telly – writing for The Sunday Times. David is an extremely reasonable man and I feel a bit of a shit pre-empting his story by publishing the comments I gave to him. UPDATE: Ooh he’s emailed and said it’s fine. Phew.

My top line is simply, “We had a problem, Gary got in touch to complain. We were crap at fixing it quickly, but we did fix it. Gary agreed that he was happy with the solution. I’ve also apologised to Gary.”

But in more detail….

Sickipedia like having an old dog you keep in the garden that occasionally escapes and bites the neighbour’s kids. And then, while you’re apologising, it’s behind them, shitting in their garden. But you can’t actually put it down because it’s your dog and you’re weirdly fond of it.

The problem arises from a clash of cultures. Sickipedia is born from a more public “let’s swap jokes” vibe that anyone who’s ever sat in a pub with a load of blokes will know about. Its intention was not to step on the toes of comics – in fact I was barely aware of the comic circuit until very recently.

However as the size of the site has grown – and in three or four years years it’s grown from a single thread on the b3ta messageboard to a site that gets over 7 million page views per month – we’ve found ourselves butting heads with a number of people I’d never expect to come into contact with. It was a bit of a shock and we weren’t quite sure how to handle it.

Also, as the site has expanded, a wonderful thing has happened. It’s become – not just a place for people to swap rotten old jokes – but also a place for people to write and test out new material. (I can put you in touch with a handful of interesting, articulate people who use the site this way, should you be interested.)

And this is what breaks my heart – our mad, weird, funny little website full of creative people, comedy fans and people I’d frankly be scared to meet in a dark alley is being painted with the paint of one colour: plagiarists.

Comedy nights: I like saying yes to opportunity – most of my life is pretty routine. Having a cup of tea with a fancy biscuit is about as showbiz as I get. On a day-to-day basis I help my wife look after the kids and run internet projects from my home office with my school-friend Dave. So when the Ents manager of a pub emails me and says do you want to put on a comedy night, after a bit of anxiety wrestling (I have no experience, and hadn’t even watched a live comic in years) I figure my life will be more interesting if I say yes.

So I stick out a message online and see who wants to turn up. The pitch is simple – see 12 or so guys, many of whom who’ve never stood on stage before and only written gags on a website. Will they sink or swim? I’d want to see that.

The night was last Tuesday and it was a roaring success – not only did so many people turn up we had to turn them away – people came up to me who know the open-mic circuit said it was like nothing they’d ever seen and they’d love it. The key difference I think was the audience – they weren’t a traditional comedy audience who go to live gigs, they were fans of the website up for a party.

And our acts – well amongst my favourites was Mushy Bees – a truly unique act, someone who’s never been on stage before but deserves to go far should he wish to pursue it. His act was basically being a full-on transvestite, a gruff voice, whilst showing hand-drawn caricatures of celebs with rude poems… Well, see for yourself. A professional camera guy, Joe Rigby, thought what we were attempting was so interesting that he got in touch and offered to film it for free (with the permission of the acts!). Check the video here.

And finally…

The other name that gets rather overlooked in all this mess is Ross ‘Teddy’ Craig who also had a similarly crap experience of Sickipedia. Sorry Ross. SORRY ROSS.

• 8pm to 12pm, Tuesday, 10th Nov 2009
• At The Old Blue Last in London’s fashionable Shoreditch, capacity about 100.
• About 12 or so comics all from the site, many of them having never been on stage before, doing 5 minute sets
• I’ll be the compere – and when I get bored of introducing people, I’ll get Sickipedia coder Paul Curry to do this too
• Also we’ll have B3ta regulars Joel Veitch (rathergood.com) & David Stevenson (B3ta newsletter co-writer) doing 5 min sets.
• It’s free to get in and there’s a bar should you wish to drink
• The address is 38 Great Eastern St, Shoreditch EC2A 3ES. Nearest tube is Old Street. Linky to Google maps
• Facebook event here

The line up

Justincider – “I live in Plumstead, South East London. Married/divorced 3 times. Been on the site for two and a half years. I’ve been writing my own stuff for about 18 months.”

Aspen – “I make up all my own jokes and I started adding them to Sicki over a year ago. I was pleasantly surprised to find that people quite like my efforts, and I soon had the bug. As I watched my jokes spreading over the internet and popping up in magazines like Zoo, I decided to turn my attention to thinking of my joke-writing as a means to earn income. So far this is progressing well (Two of my jokes are in Reader’s Digest this month) and my joke-writing has progressed from being a bug to an obsession.”

Joel Veitch – “My wife has been suggesting I should do something like this, so YES!”

Mushy Bees – Mushy is promising us some poetry. He’s a very glamorous transvestite and we’re hoping he’s buying a sparkly new dress for the occasion.

Tricyclic Looper – “I suppose ‘lawyer’ would be as descriptive a description as I’d be comfortable with – I guess as long as my real name doesn’t get out it would be okay.”

Jethro-gdc – “I am Kenyan – not your typical black man in London and I’m happy to take the piss.”

David Stevenson – Newsletter co-writer Dave is probably in part why this event is happening. He’s been taking himself off to open mic nights recently and his reports back have made me more interested in live comedy.

Richard Tyrone Jones – “I’m 29, I live in Archway, and I’m a spoken word promoter and marriage counsellor. I don’t really want to reveal any more as it might spoil it.”

Wylis – “29, Leeds but am Cumbrian and proud. Been on a few tv quiz shows including University Challenge and Eggheads.”

Michael Areola, “I’m known throughout comedy clubs in Manchester for my very graphic content.”

Les, “It’s rare that I get a chance to get onstage and do my songs about chavs and paedophiles without having to be escorted out of the venue by a member of security.”

David Webb, “I do a bit of stand up and recently went for an audition for a new BBC3 show – was all going well – got down to the final 3 till I busted out a couple of Ian Huntley jokes.”

Rob Bull, “I work in the City as a recruitment consultant, was the first person out of everyone I know to discover Sickipedia.”

Mike Coates, “I’m 22 and am an IT Project Manager. I like drinking and watching football. My approach to work is don’t work hard, work smart. It’s not who you know, it’s who you blow.”

Dale Smith, “I’m 28 and work doing Customer Relations for a TV company. My friends have always said I should try try my hand at doing stand up. I know that if i was to perform, there’d be a few people desperate to be there but I’d be more comfortable trying it in a room full of strangers (Stuart Lubbock’s last words too I think).”

Ian Parsonson – “I’m 28, live in London and I’m a Flash developer. I did stand up only once before at a school talent thing when i was 17 and told a joke that made everyone think I was gay. Ive been planning to have another go for years so I’m looking forward to another chance to embarrass myself.”

Fles – one of the mods on Sickipedia, “Has anyone prepared a placard so that some jokes can be censored by ‘This joke cannot be told due to copyright infringement’? It seems a few of my colleagues will be attending purely in order to heckle me.”

In more detail
Had an email from a guy called Russ Tannen who works as the ents manager for the Old Blue Last pub in Shoreditch. He mentioned that he was a fan of Sickipedia and asked if we fancied putting on a comedy night?

My first reaction was “God no, I didn’t start this stupid website to put on comedy nights in Shoreditch” but then thinking about it a bit I figured that it would be really interesting to stick the jokers from the site on stage and see what happens. Will people who can craft a gag on a web page be able to get on stage? Will some of the jokes be even tell-able without everyone feeling embarrassed and awkward?

So I stuck a message on the Sickipedia forums and asked people to get in touch. What’s going to happen? God knows but I’m looking forward to it.

Poor old Floyd died an hour before transmission, which alarmed me as I briefly wondered if he’d got into such a rage over my slightly piss-takey titles that he’d keeled over and it was all my fault. But no, the producer assures me that Floyd watched a preview DVD a week before and had given it the thumbs up.

For background research I read David Pritchard’s Shooting the Cook – which in a happy bit of luck was laying on my desk after a visit to an old school friend who works for the publisher “I think you’ll enjoy this Rob.” I did.

I Spot Credit Crunch

Another I Spot book produced by me and Dave Stevenson for E4. We enjoyed writing the jokes for this – hope you like it.

Read it on the E4 site.

I’ve produced a lot of games for E4 this year, the following seven links are for them, developed with different and dreadfully clever people I’ve found from running B3ta.

Janey Thomson’s Marathon – A joke about those waggle games from the 80s – developed by the brilliant Matt Round.

Captcha Invaders – As above, developed by Matt Round.

Rather Difficult Game, another developed by Matt Round.

Name That Copyright Free Tune – developed by NTC INC. Who is actually a bloke who doesn’t like using his name online.

Do Yo Knowz Yo Showz – as above.

Ready Meals Quiz – developed by Monkeon.

Taglinr – devleoped by ME and Mike Trinder. Woo hoo

And finally…

What I missed about meat – written for The Guardian. Was the 3rd most read item for 7 days for the foody section. It’s lonely at the top.

1. Kunt & The Gang, in some Soho pub, 2009 – impressed that he did the entire set via plugging his iPod into the PA, and selecting each backing track with his thumb. Thereby freeing him from the expense of splitting profits with a band or hiring a van and equipment. Canny.

2. MJ Hibbett, Venue 205, 2008 – Hibbett was doing his “my exciting life in rock” autobiographical show. It was funny and great and reminded me of Guy Pratt’s book My Bass & Other Animals.

3. Seven Seconds of Love, Dublin Castle 2005 – Joel was asked by his agent’s wife why he swore so much on stage, and it was suggested that a cleaner mouthed Veitch would be more successful.

4. Youth of Britain, Dublin Castle 2005 – for the encore I shouted that they should play Beer, Beer, Beer, the track written by me and recorded by the band as a favour. Daniele Davoli, their keyboardist laughed and shouted back “fuck off Rob.”

5. Lemar, T in the Park, 2004 – did a sweetly sung version of The Darkness’s I Believe In A Thing Called Love that made me realise Justin Hawkins is a sincere little songwriter hiding behind comedy outfits.

6. Graham Coxon, Kentish Town Forum, 2004 – he played much of his “Happiness in Magazines” album and the seats were sticky. Some of his younger fans looked like members of The Libertines.

7. Miles Hunt, Resonance FM, 2003 – when we used to run B3ta radio we got Miles in with his guitar. He sang Circle Square and was very nice and mentioned his girlfriend sang my I love you kitten song on his answerphone.

8. Duran Duran, Wembly, 2003 – the reunion line-up. Guitarist Andy Taylor stands on a different part of the stage and appears to be in an entirely different band to the rest of them. And in a couple of years he is. Surly Taylor and sweaty Simon Le Bon gaves us lol fodder for literally months afterwards.

9. Sisters of Mercy, Kentish Town Forum, 2002 – Eldritch’s set consisted of dry ice, a tape recorder and two turnips throwing rock poses on guitar. A mid 20s fan, all on his own, wearing a leather jacket, one leather glove and a bandaged arm mouthed all the lyrics.

10. Pulp, Brixton, 2001 – around the time of the unconvincing “We love life” campaign. They were knackered and the fun was gone.

11. Rockbitch, London, November 2001 – naked gothy women playing bad metal. Holding guitar with your minge hanging out doesn’t make women look elegant.

12. Toby Slater, The Monarch, 2000 – Toby wore bandages over his hands which worringly suggested he’d been self harming.

13. Duran Duran, Wembley, 2000 – reduced to a duo of Simon Le Bon & Nick Rhodes it was a lacklustre affair. There were flyers up for a fan meeting called after a B-Side “Secret Oktober” which might be fun if menopausal women are your thing.

14. Robbie Williams, Wembley, 2000 – I wasn’t that bothered about going but had free tickets as I was working on his website. He made disparaging remarks about Liam Gallagher & Nicole Appleton on stage and played such a stunning gig that I left almost a fan.

15. Crispian Mills, supporting Robbie Williams, 2000 – his sound was mixed so low that I could hardly hear him. But from the look of it, he was giving it his all. Poor chap.

16. Miranda Sex Garden, The Monarch, 2000 – a reformed line up, not that it matters to me as I never knew them back in the day anyway. Singer Katharine Blake kept making references to a sugar daddy giving me the distinct impression that they can afford to put on a show thanks to the patronage of an old git she’s having sex with.

17. Beck, Reading festival, 2000 – he didn’t stop dancing. It was like watching Prince. One of the best performers I’ve seen. Shame he’s a scientologist.

18. Black Box Recorder, Reading festival, 2000 – singer Sarah Nixey had a crap barcode tattoo on her arm. I didn’t notice what Luke Haines was doing as she was quite pretty.

19. Elastica, Reading festival, 2000 – Justine hopped around trying to gee up a tired band who were having none of it.

20. 2K, Barbican centre, 1997 – every nerd in London turned up for the KLF’s comeback event. We were given t-shirts and bags and went home feeling elated but confused.

21. Hothouse Flowers, Barbican centre, 1997 – some kind of reunion gig, it might have been billed under the singer’s name – I forget now. I was dragged there by some Irish guys I once knew – Greg, if you read this, get in touch.

22. Orbital, Wolverhampton Civic, 1997 – They played a ravey version of Belinda Carlisle’s Heaven Is A Place On Earth. The place errupted.

23. Garbage, Reading Festival, 1996 – Shirley Manson kept squatting down and grinding over her microphone, like a stripper.

24. Sonic Youth, Reading Festival, 1996, a sound like an orchestra of vacuum cleaners. I left the field before it made me go insane.

25. Kula Shaker, Reading Festival, 1996 – played a version of best Beatles b-side ever, Rain. They rocked. Not a fashionable opinion I know.

26. The Divine Comedy, Wolverhampton Civic, 1996 – after every song the crowd asked him to play the Father Ted song, “My Lovely Horse”, which he refused. The boring twat.

27. Stone Roses, Reading Festival, 1996 – final disastrous gig before they split. I witness a fan stomping his Reni hat into the mug shouting, “what the fuck has happened to the Stone Roses?”

28. The Prodigy, Reading Festival 1996 – Very stop / start with the beat.

29. Julian Cope, Reading Festival, 1996 – played a really enjoyable greatest hits set that won over an unsure crowd. Big silly hat helped.

30. Black Grape, Reading Festival 1996 – it was rumoured Shaun wouldn’t show because of a fatal overdose.

31. Marcella Detroit, Wolvestock, 1996 – an extremely out of place appearence for this ex- Shakespear’s Sister, in a free festival in Wolverhampton. She was jeered at and was a bit arsey with the crowd.

32. My Life Story, Wolvestock, 1996 – riding high on their almost hit “12 reasons why I love her” they did a lively pop show with lots of pretty girls playing violins and someone running around the stage holding up placards for the lyrics.

33. Ozric Tentacles, Wolvestock, 1996 – smelly crusties cheered. The only act playing that day that had a real following in the crowd.

34. Dinosaur JR, Wolverhampton Poly, 1995 – played so loud my teeth vibrated. Only recognised one song – their cover of The Cure’s Just Like Heaven.

35. Mega City Four, Wolves Poly, 1994 – some bloke spent the entire gig spitting at their singer Wiz.

36. The Orb, Leeds University, 1992 – There were lots of lights, and students pretending to be on pills – most of them were probably on cider – but nothing to see on stage.

37. Spiritualised, Wolverhmapton, 1992 – Their music was so slow most people sat down cross legged, except 1 guy down the front who did Bez-style baggy dancing. Future wife of Richard Ashcroft was on the keyboards, sporting, what my sister would have once called “an inverted plait”.

38. Sunscream, Leeds University, 1992 – bloke asked me after the gig what I thought of it, trying to be clever I said “about as relevant as Saxon”, chappy then tells me he’s the keyboard player and wanders off.

39. Five Thirty, Wolverhampton, 1991 – Short, wore very tight sixties style trousers and were very rock and roll.

40. Chapterhouse, 1991 – stared at their shoes and chubby teenage girls cooed at the front.

41. The Catherine Wheel, Wolverhampton, 1991 – I chatted to the singer Rob Dickinson in the loo and he said my questions were like a journalist’s. At the time I thought that was a compliment, in retrospect I could read it differently.

42. The Wonder Stuff, Aston Villa Liesure Center, 1989 – the last gig the Rob “The Bass Thing” Jones played. Miles Hunt kept hugging him during the gig – I don’t think he wanted him to leave. Jones died a few years later of a heroin overdose.

43. Wrath Child, Wolverhampton Civic, 1989 – hair metal glam rockers – they pulled some poor guy out of the audience and made him get naked. He had a very small penis.

44. PWEI, Aston Villa Liesure Center, 1989 – a member of the band had broken his leg and had this great electric chair that rose to the ceiling. That’s how to do it.

45. The Cure, Birmingham NEC, 1990 – so many people, boys and girls, dressed as Robert Smith. If I had a camera and a time machine I’d love to see a few photos of this.

46. Jesus and Mary Chain, Hummingbird, Birmingham, 1989 – I remember the intro tape better than the short set – they played the wonderous John Trubee’s Blind Man’s Penis.

47. The Perfect Disaster, Hummingbird Birmingham, 1989 – there was this song “time to kill” where every phrase was time this, and time that. Hearing the studio version for the first time today it’s a lot less goth than I remember.

48. Fields of the Nephilim, Hummingbird Birmingham, 1988 – attracted an older than I was used to crowd (I was 14) and I found it a bit frightening. Including someone with a spiders web tattoed on their face. The mosh pit was violent and people were chanting for a song called “Power” which the band refused to play.

49. Popstars R.I.P, Finchfield, 1988 – the first and only time I attempted a gig, we played a friend’s front room, I had such a panic attack, I spent the whole time tuning my guitar. Nobody ever suggested we should play again.

50. The Waterboys, Hummingbird, Birmingham, 1988 – first ever gig I went to, didn’t really know the band but a girl from school wanted to go. She wandered off when we got there and I danced alone.

Falling out of the picnic bag are leaflets given to us by a friend yesterday, they’re promoting National Art Hate Week 2009 at the Tate Modern – there’s a fantastic line on the back, “If a child offers you a painting during National Art Week you are to turn away in disgust.” Mind bogglingly wrongheaded, but I recognise the name of one of the artists, Billy Childish. My friend Dave once told me he’s one of the Stuckists, basically the spotty unloved friends of Damien Hurst & Tracy Emin, the ones who didn’t make loads of cash from the patronage of Charles Saatchi. They’re all extremely bitter that they’re poor.

“Oh they’re the Luke Haines of Art then?”, my wife says referring to Haines’ completely brilliant biography, “Bad Vibes: Britpop and My Part in Its Downfall.” “Exactly”, I say, “He did something similar himself once, in 2001 there was his National Pop Strike.”

My wife wants to work this afternoon, so I decide to take the elder son off to The National History Museum. I claim, “He does alright for parties and running about parks but surely he needs stuff to fill his imagination?” The truth is more that I fancy looking at some dinosaur bones.

Son is a bit weirded out by the museum. Everything in it is dead. “Why are they all dead daddy?” And most guilt making of all, “Why isn’t the panda moving daddy? Is he dead?” On seeing a baby seal he’s almost in tears, “We miss him so much.” The whole place is like a dead zoo of taxidermy.

This being less than a complete success we go into the nice bit with – thankfully alive – butterflies and learn how to tell the difference between moths and butterflies. Generally speaking, when moths land on a leaf they’ll sit with their wings spread whilst butterflies will put their wings up. Fantastic fact and if you’re reading this blog post waiting for me to stop rambling and get onto the bit where I get mugged then, sod it, enough scene setting I’ll get on with it.

6 o clock, me and my son are about 2 minutes from the house in Kentish Town and a woman calls out from a car.

“I wouldn’t normally ask a stranger but my car is nearly on empty and I need £3 to get enough petrol to get home.”

Is she a scam? I weigh her up – she’s not asking for much money and she’s also attractive and is displaying a lot of skin. I figure sod it, give her the money, if she’s a crim then I’ve got a story I can blog and if she’s not, well I’ve got a story that not everyone is a bullshit con artist.

I look in my wallet, I’ve only got £10 so I give her that. I say, “This can be an experiment in giving money to strangers. But can I take your photo?”

She doesn’t flinch. I say “smile”. I can’t stop myself grinning foolishly, I’m so going to blog this if she doesn’t turn up.

clicky for biggy

“Is coming round at 8:30 ok?” she asks and takes my business card which I’ve hastily scribbled my address on.

“Absolutely. I trust I’ll see you there.”

I get home and the first thing I do is tell my wife. “What do you think – does this photo look like a criminal?”

“She just looks normal”, my wife replies, “She’s sunburnt and yes, wearing that dress would be the best way to a pull a scam like this.”

“Worth £10 though”, I say, “Just to find out. She doesn’t look like someone who needs to be criminal to survive. I mean, she’d get a job in PR.”

“She could just be lazy”, my wife suggests, “Do this five times and you’ve got enough money to get pissed up or buy some coke. Maybe she’s been made redundant in the recession.”

I post on twitter and almost universally people think it’s a scam. There’s absolutely no way she’s turning up for 8:30

8:30 comes and I’m feeling nervous and excited. Part of me wants her to turn up to prove the twitterers wrong and part of me wants her not to turn up as this story will work so much better with the photo.

By 9 there’s no sign of her and I start writing this post and tell people I’ll post the photo if I hear nothing by 9:30. It’s now 9:39 and yes, I’ve been scammed.

I’m £10 down and I’m reminded that comedian Richard Herring recently blogged he was mugged for a £500 iphone whilst wearing a Hitler moustache and spent an alarming afternoon in the back of a police car looking for a black man whilst worrying that the police thought he was a right-wing nut case. He finished his post asking newspapers to buy his story for £10 more than he lost so that over-all he was in profit from theft.

I want to do the same thing, but at a lower scale because I’m only an internet micro celebrity and not a famous comedian. Therefore I want to raise £20 via PayPal. Give me your cash. My PayPal address is [deleted]. I promise not to spend the money on petrol, I can’t even drive.

* * *

Update: Thanks to @pretprieel for £5. You are a beautiful man and if I had breasts I’d let you take a photo of them. However – I’m still £15 off my total I require to make a profit on being scammed, so anyone for any more please? All donations, however small, gratefully received.

Update2: Thanks to Ben Gott who lives in Connecticut and writes, “Just read your post, linked from a friend on Facebook, and figured I’d throw you £5, too. This sort of stuff happens here all the time—especially at rest stops along the highway.” Huzzah! That makes me at 50% of my total. The internet WILL win this battle. (It’s really making me giggle, using this scam to basically panhandle. I’ll stop if I reach £20, I promise.)

Update 3: Ha ha – Alasdair MacLeod has given me £1.56. C’mon on internet. We can do it!

Update 4: Ah fuck it. I’m bored of asking for cash, it feels dirty. I’ve raised £11.56 which is probably slightly less than the £10 I lost once the PayPal fees are factored in. Anyway, I’ll use the money to pay for ingredients for a Spag Bog which I mentioned in a previous post and you lot were demanding my recipe.

Update 5: £1.57 from Cr3. Thanks Paul. But please stop sending me money, I’ve stopped begging now. TOTAL: £13.13