Here. Look – I managed to get some message about “anal cunt” to appear on their home page. Fantastic. I’m a big boy and my parents are proud of me.

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What I didn’t expect is that my message would be retweeted several times by other peeps:

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Thought I’d take a screengrab as I was pleased with myself – partly as I’m only dipping my toes in twitter and this is the first time I’ve ever felt a real inkling of its power.

Quite what Skittles make of it all is anyone’s guess – yes they’ve got their brand mentioned everywhere, but at what cost? Annoyed mums seeing rude messages? I’d pay a good 50p to sit on a few meetings and see how it’s going down internally.

Actually, I should mention that I too had a go at this, although I forgot to photograph the before state, and poor teddy’s eyes didn’t really work, so there’s bulldog clips instead. Obviously.

Just been for a cheeky trout in the office bog and spied a book stuffed behind the radiator.

Entitled “Bla Bla 600 Incredibly Useless Facts”, it sounds like the perfect formula for shit-lit: open on any page and there’s something to startle or make you laugh.

(As a quick aside, there’s a litmus test for populist entertainment: is it funny or interesting? It’s no coincidence two of the more popular acronyms on the web are LOL and OMG. LOL = Funny, and OMG = interesting.)

On reading the back-cover, I find I’m reaching for another netism: FFS, these facts are complete nonsense, and anyone who’s read more than two pages of every-ones favourite spoilsports Snopes will recognise this stuff as sub “duck quacks don’t echo” bullshit.

Whilst wiping my shitty arse I briefly fantasise about debunking all 600 “facts”, but of course, I can’t really be bothered. However, I can spend ooh maybe 20 minutes taking the stuff from the cover and testing the rubbishness using the mighty power of the internet.

MARILYN MONROE HAD ONLY SIX TOES ON HER LEFT FOOT

I know this one without Googling, the rumour relates to an early set of photographs in which her feet looked a bit odd, and Snopes calls false.

A GOLDFISH CAN ONLY REMEMBER THE LAST THREE SECONDS OF ITS LIFE

I’ve mostly heard this as 10 seconds, but maybe goldfish are getting stupider. Sounds like pants to me, as survival would get a bit tricky of you forget you were being chased whilst swimming away from a predator. Anyway, according to Wikipedia, “Research by the School of Psychology at the University of Plymouth in 2003 demonstrated that goldfish have a memory-span of at least three months and can distinguish between different shapes, colours and sounds.” Ha. That’s one in the eye for goldfish haters.

ADOLF HITLER HAD ONLY ONE BALL

Another I know without checking, this relates to an uncooborated Russian autopsy that was probably published for propaganda purposes. Am I right? Am I? Straight Dope is calling it bollocks. (Did you see what I did there? I used the word ‘bollocks’ to refute a story about testicles. Yay me.)

EVERY YEAR, MORE PEOPLE GET KILLED BY DONKEYS THAN PLANE CRASHES

Hmm. This is hardly comparing like with like. Snopes calls it as a urban myth, but best of all is the rabidly pro-donkey site Love Long Ears which passionately pleas, “Help us to dispel this awful rumour-mill factoid – it’s not true, it’s bunk, treat it as such. Please don’t let this statement stop you from getting a donkey or any other animal if you wish to own one!”

GEORGE WASHINGTON GREW MARIJUANA IN HIS BACKYARD

Possibly true, but it sounds like a misrepresentation of the facts. The hemp plant has been widely cultivated around the world for food and making rope. To call this crop marijuana is to emphasise the psychoactive properties of the plant. Wikiquote reports Washington as having said, “Make the most of the Indian hemp seed, and sow it everywhere!” but I find no reputable source that suggests George was a stoner.

Ok, that’s five facts from the back page. Four were complete horse-shit whilst one was written to deceive. That gives Bla Bla a score of 90% toss-monkey. Don’t buy the book, burn it.

It was something to do with a Cadburys Creme Egg user group. I was curious because a few years ago, I pitched for a job for them (rejected pitch here), and I’m wondering what they are up to.

Anyways, so I hit the back button and the page displays a different ad.

This strikes me as ironic, as about the the first time in years I actually wanted to click on a banner ad, I couldn’t.

Surely the web should work better than this by now? If a bit of content is on a page, then it should stay on the page?

Yes, I know I can use Google to find the page, but that’s not the point.

I’m taking some small delight in using my blog to give Orange a small bit of bad PR.

Basically, they’ve really cheesed me off by refusing to change my contract. “You’re incompatible” they say.

All I wanted to do was change the contract from a £50 one to a £30 one, as the amount of call minutes this represents is closer to my actual phone usage.

But no, phoning them up to change it, I’m told that I’m “incompatible”. I ask what this means, and they can’t tell me. I’m not satisfied and ask to speak to a manager, and I’m promised a call back.

Two weeks later and no return call, so I’ve cancelled. Sod them. They can’t be bothered to give me any form of service for £600 per year? Then I won’t give them what they want, i.e. my cash.

Right. So what next? I’m left without a phone? Not for long I hope…

Well, first off, I happen to know about a website called Quidco. It’s a rather interesting thing, basically it gives you the cash back from affiliate schemes. (Websites pay other websites to promo their deals, Quidco give it back to the consumer.)

Certain mobile phone companies (not naming them here) cash back very heavily, up to £100 for yearly contracts.

(Ever been to a middle-man phone hawking site that’s offering you an iPod if you can referrer three costumers? This is how they afford it, you’ll be earning them up to £300.)

So, that’s £100 in my pocket, plus the contract I’ve picked is half-price for 18 months, meaning I’m only paying £17 for approximately the amount of minutes I wanted to pay Orange for.

So yah-boo-sucks to Orange. And listen to your customers when they say they want to change plan!

UPDATE: I’m now sorted out with a lovely new Sony Cybershot phone. It only took me about two hours of reading to work out how to “de-brand” it. I.e. Stopping every damn button from pimping ringtones…