Our theory is that he was traumatised as an adolescent and wants to retreat to the nostalgia of his 1970s childhood where Monopoly and Buckeroo were king and there was none of this frightening internet business.

First he brought us the War on Terror game, which he managed to manipulate into the papers via a cunning ruse of getting it seized by the rozzers. Really, Andy is like Hasbro run by Malcolm McLaren.

Look! That’s Andy on the left. He’s the singer. The other two play both play drums. That’s two drummers, like the Glitter band.

So Andy got in touch a few weeks back and asks us if we’ll tell people about his new card game in the B3ta newsletter. Out of the sheer goodness of our hearts we’ve complied.

Look carefully, this is actually sitting on this album and it’s not even out yet.

And it’s not just an empty box – there’s stuff in it

COMPO TIME

So, go on, we want YOU to write an amusing answer to “Why did the chicken cross the road?” in 20 words or less and the funniest 10 answers (according to The Magic Donkey) will win PRIZES.

Stick your tiebreaker replies in the box below saying “leave a reply”. Closing date? 8pm, 23rd April 2009.

Thanks to Joel Veitch for redesigning my diagram into something MUCH ruder.

BTW: Are you a PHP coder who can bash me out a quick script? I need help with this game and will reward you with a mighty b3ta pen. – Have someone to help now, thanks

Mr Biffo, probably best known for writing the cult Digitiser pages on Teletext, has taken time out from his hectic schedule to write a book.

It’s basically a collection of chatroom transcripts where Biffo pretends to be a lady, and winds up men hungry for the sexing.

Clicky the book to read the reviews on Amazon.

And in the interests of self publicity he’s emailed B3ta and asked us to help him pimp it, and so, your challenge is this:

What would you like Mr Biffo to draw?

The most amusing five suggestions will be drawn by the fair – if not girly – hand of Biffo, inside his book and sent to YOU. Yes, to YOU, dear reader.

Add your suggestions to the comments below. Well, if you fancy getting a copy of the book that is. If not, then quietly go on your way.

WINNERS ANNOUNCED

The horrified face of Gordon Brown as he sits down at the big desk for his first day as PM, only to find a big poo in the PM’s private pencil case. (mrdirtylegs)

Pirates milking a giraffe. (Zo)

The Greatest Game Ever Played. (Digeridude)

A shortened Bayeux Tapestry with a naked Harold. (Kelly)

A brand new knife and wife thing. (doveston)

So thanks to everyone who made suggestions, and to Mr Biffo for being a good sport. Books will be winging their way to the winners shortly.

I walked by my-self like a rain thing
that flys on high over up-side-down mountain and mountain
When all at once I saw many people
A group, of gold plants;
Be-side the round ground water, under the trees
moving in the wind

Ok, that’s your starter for ten. Can YOU re-write a famous poem or song? Go on, give it a go and add it to the comments.

Word up cyber-fruits. I’ve got a history lesson for you. Back in 2001 I met a bloke called Andy Sheerin, who was making a more than a little noise with his Hairy Tongue site, collecting together hundreds of rather naughty photoshops of Jamie Oliver.

Great stuff, and as we were hunting for ideas for the B3ta at the time, and we went, “Aha! We could run a photoshop competition and we could pick a different Jamie Oliver every week. It would be ace!”

This idea worked well, our photoshop competitions made our website notorious, and so props to Andy for giving us the steer on that one.

Fast forward a few years and Andy has fallen off my radar a bit, we get the odd email saying he’s working in the corporate sector and he misses the old days, but nothing that we can really tell our readers about.

Then, comes the magic day and Andy emails us asking to buy a “sponsored link”, i.e. the top bit of the newsletter which we pimp out to anyone prepared to give us cash really, he tell us that he and his friend Andy T are working on a board game that’s going to cause a lot of trouble.

Andy’s game, you see, is basically a re-working of the classic “Risk” but updated for modern times, with terrorists. A satirical view of the war on terror, if you will.

Anyway, to really fast forward now (missing out the bits about appearing in The Sun newspaper and getting into trouble at toy fairs), we got a finally got a copy of the game, and we figured the only right thing to do would be to put together a little competition to allow our readers to get their hands on one without paying out their hard earned cash.

The game also comes with a free rapist hat. Here’s me wearing it earlier.

Anyway, we obviously need a tie-breaker to win one of the three copies we’ve got to give away.
Complete this phrase in 15 words or less: “George W. Bush is a …”

And of course, if you fancy buying the game without chancing your arm on a web-lotto then pop over to waronterrortheboardgame.com

BTW: Dave has stolen the review copy from B3ta HQ on the pretext, “It’s really good, and will save me £££ buying my brother a present this Christmas.” Or maybe he wants the balaclava to liven up his sex-life? Surely not!

And for those having trouble hearing at the back, complete this phrase in 15 words or less: “George W. Bush is a …”

Sometimes I fill this section of the newsletter with whimsey, sometimes bad jokes and sometimes nuggets of good ideas that I simply can’t be arsed to persue myself.

So imagine my (belated) surprise when B3ta boarder Account88888 got in touch to say he’d actually gone and made some and would I fancy giving away a few via the site?

Figuring this was a great opportunity to get some free scarfs for winter, how could I say no?

I thought long and hard about doing a fantastic photoshoot, and then thought, fuck it, I’ll just take a couple of snaps with them drapped around some old computers.

First off is a Scramble themed scarf, keeping a Cambridge Computers Z88 toasty and warm.

Secondly we’ve got a Space Invaders one making sure that the Spectrum +2 doesn’t get a cold interface this Christmas.

Anyway. I’ve got three to give away to B3ta readers. All you have to do is complete this exciting tie-breaker in 15 words or less and add it as a comment on this very blog post.

“I love 8-bit gaming because…”

And if you can’t be arsed with bollocks compos then maybe you’d like to buy one via B2D4.

WINNERS!

Yay, we’ve got three people that B2D4 reckon are the tops, and they’re getting a scarf each.

• I’ve never been called a n00b playing missile command… (soscynicalsohip)
• 10 REM SCARF COMPETITION HACK FOR INFINATE WARMTH
  20 POKE 0121,666
  30 SYS 2059
  RUN (monkeon)
• I love 8-bit gaming because thats where I learned that men love a girl who’s a computer nerd….but not one who can beat them every time. So a scarf would keep me warm on all those victorious yet lonely nights. (onlythegirl)

He sent me through a batch the other day and I was rather pleased to see, not only are they not shit, they actually are very nice indeed.

So I decided that B3ta readers should have a chance to win some, so I got on the blower and demanded free toys for the B3ta massive.

First off, you’ll probably want to see some photos, lovingly photographed by me in B3ta Towers. This one, for example, on the official B3ta shitter. (A toilet I’ve crapped in at least 3000 times, and I estimate that Jonti Picking has shat in it probably 500 times. Joel? He’s probably only pissed in it.)

Then I tried to get clever and make a tribute to the classic internet website, “bonsai kitten.”

And to finish off, why not have all Joel’s crew in my wifes handbag?

Anyway, to stand a chance of winning the little critters, I need you to complete this tie-breaker in 15 words or less.

“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”

Add you entries to the comments section on this post. Winners will be announced on the 24th of Nov. Good luck.

BTW: If you would like to buy Joels toys without having to enter a pesky competition then you might want to look at his shop.

UPDATE: Winners! We’re all winners!

Right. I’ve picked the winners, basically on what amused me at 2 in the morning. Judges decision is final etc. So four of you get one lovely toy each.
If you was Joel Veitch for the day you would…

• RAPE THE QUEEN IN HER GAPING ANUS. (Noctu)
• murder every cunt that had ever crossed me in one glorious day of vengeance. (Ben)
• I’d have a cock! So masturbate till my cock blistered and my palms bled. Nice. (Ree)
• Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just the once. (Mong The Merciless Says)

I’ll be passing your email address onto Mrs Veitch so that she can send them out. Huzzah.