Had a lovely time today, our four year old son Angus stayed with a friend and we got to lie in for once – we picked him up for lunch time (daddy! I don’t want to go!) and dragged him off to Camden Square for a quick picnic where he and his chum raced on scooters and played hide and seek.
Falling out of the picnic bag are leaflets given to us by a friend yesterday, they’re promoting National Art Hate Week 2009 at the Tate Modern – there’s a fantastic line on the back, “If a child offers you a painting during National Art Week you are to turn away in disgust.” Mind bogglingly wrongheaded, but I recognise the name of one of the artists, Billy Childish. My friend Dave once told me he’s one of the Stuckists, basically the spotty unloved friends of Damien Hurst & Tracy Emin, the ones who didn’t make loads of cash from the patronage of Charles Saatchi. They’re all extremely bitter that they’re poor.
“Oh they’re the Luke Haines of Art then?”, my wife says referring to Haines’ completely brilliant biography, “Bad Vibes: Britpop and My Part in Its Downfall.” “Exactly”, I say, “He did something similar himself once, in 2001 there was his National Pop Strike.”
My wife wants to work this afternoon, so I decide to take the elder son off to The National History Museum. I claim, “He does alright for parties and running about parks but surely he needs stuff to fill his imagination?” The truth is more that I fancy looking at some dinosaur bones.
Son is a bit weirded out by the museum. Everything in it is dead. “Why are they all dead daddy?” And most guilt making of all, “Why isn’t the panda moving daddy? Is he dead?” On seeing a baby seal he’s almost in tears, “We miss him so much.” The whole place is like a dead zoo of taxidermy.
This being less than a complete success we go into the nice bit with – thankfully alive – butterflies and learn how to tell the difference between moths and butterflies. Generally speaking, when moths land on a leaf they’ll sit with their wings spread whilst butterflies will put their wings up. Fantastic fact and if you’re reading this blog post waiting for me to stop rambling and get onto the bit where I get mugged then, sod it, enough scene setting I’ll get on with it.
6 o clock, me and my son are about 2 minutes from the house in Kentish Town and a woman calls out from a car.
“I wouldn’t normally ask a stranger but my car is nearly on empty and I need £3 to get enough petrol to get home.”
Is she a scam? I weigh her up – she’s not asking for much money and she’s also attractive and is displaying a lot of skin. I figure sod it, give her the money, if she’s a crim then I’ve got a story I can blog and if she’s not, well I’ve got a story that not everyone is a bullshit con artist.
I look in my wallet, I’ve only got £10 so I give her that. I say, “This can be an experiment in giving money to strangers. But can I take your photo?”
She doesn’t flinch. I say “smile”. I can’t stop myself grinning foolishly, I’m so going to blog this if she doesn’t turn up.
clicky for biggy“Is coming round at 8:30 ok?” she asks and takes my business card which I’ve hastily scribbled my address on.
“Absolutely. I trust I’ll see you there.”
I get home and the first thing I do is tell my wife. “What do you think – does this photo look like a criminal?”
“She just looks normal”, my wife replies, “She’s sunburnt and yes, wearing that dress would be the best way to a pull a scam like this.”
“Worth £10 though”, I say, “Just to find out. She doesn’t look like someone who needs to be criminal to survive. I mean, she’d get a job in PR.”
“She could just be lazy”, my wife suggests, “Do this five times and you’ve got enough money to get pissed up or buy some coke. Maybe she’s been made redundant in the recession.”
I post on twitter and almost universally people think it’s a scam. There’s absolutely no way she’s turning up for 8:30
8:30 comes and I’m feeling nervous and excited. Part of me wants her to turn up to prove the twitterers wrong and part of me wants her not to turn up as this story will work so much better with the photo.
By 9 there’s no sign of her and I start writing this post and tell people I’ll post the photo if I hear nothing by 9:30. It’s now 9:39 and yes, I’ve been scammed.
I’m £10 down and I’m reminded that comedian Richard Herring recently blogged he was mugged for a £500 iphone whilst wearing a Hitler moustache and spent an alarming afternoon in the back of a police car looking for a black man whilst worrying that the police thought he was a right-wing nut case. He finished his post asking newspapers to buy his story for £10 more than he lost so that over-all he was in profit from theft.
I want to do the same thing, but at a lower scale because I’m only an internet micro celebrity and not a famous comedian. Therefore I want to raise £20 via PayPal. Give me your cash. My PayPal address is [deleted]. I promise not to spend the money on petrol, I can’t even drive.
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Update: Thanks to @pretprieel for £5. You are a beautiful man and if I had breasts I’d let you take a photo of them. However – I’m still £15 off my total I require to make a profit on being scammed, so anyone for any more please? All donations, however small, gratefully received.
Update2: Thanks to Ben Gott who lives in Connecticut and writes, “Just read your post, linked from a friend on Facebook, and figured I’d throw you £5, too. This sort of stuff happens here all the time—especially at rest stops along the highway.” Huzzah! That makes me at 50% of my total. The internet WILL win this battle. (It’s really making me giggle, using this scam to basically panhandle. I’ll stop if I reach £20, I promise.)
Update 3: Ha ha – Alasdair MacLeod has given me £1.56. C’mon on internet. We can do it!
Update 4: Ah fuck it. I’m bored of asking for cash, it feels dirty. I’ve raised £11.56 which is probably slightly less than the £10 I lost once the PayPal fees are factored in. Anyway, I’ll use the money to pay for ingredients for a Spag Bog which I mentioned in a previous post and you lot were demanding my recipe.
Update 5: £1.57 from Cr3. Thanks Paul. But please stop sending me money, I’ve stopped begging now. TOTAL: £13.13
