Just been for a cheeky trout in the office bog and spied a book stuffed behind the radiator.
Entitled “Bla Bla 600 Incredibly Useless Facts”, it sounds like the perfect formula for shit-lit: open on any page and there’s something to startle or make you laugh.
(As a quick aside, there’s a litmus test for populist entertainment: is it funny or interesting? It’s no coincidence two of the more popular acronyms on the web are LOL and OMG. LOL = Funny, and OMG = interesting.)
On reading the back-cover, I find I’m reaching for another netism: FFS, these facts are complete nonsense, and anyone who’s read more than two pages of every-ones favourite spoilsports Snopes will recognise this stuff as sub “duck quacks don’t echo” bullshit.
Whilst wiping my shitty arse I briefly fantasise about debunking all 600 “facts”, but of course, I can’t really be bothered. However, I can spend ooh maybe 20 minutes taking the stuff from the cover and testing the rubbishness using the mighty power of the internet.
MARILYN MONROE HAD ONLY SIX TOES ON HER LEFT FOOT
I know this one without Googling, the rumour relates to an early set of photographs in which her feet looked a bit odd, and Snopes calls false.
A GOLDFISH CAN ONLY REMEMBER THE LAST THREE SECONDS OF ITS LIFE
I’ve mostly heard this as 10 seconds, but maybe goldfish are getting stupider. Sounds like pants to me, as survival would get a bit tricky of you forget you were being chased whilst swimming away from a predator. Anyway, according to Wikipedia, “Research by the School of Psychology at the University of Plymouth in 2003 demonstrated that goldfish have a memory-span of at least three months and can distinguish between different shapes, colours and sounds.” Ha. That’s one in the eye for goldfish haters.
ADOLF HITLER HAD ONLY ONE BALL
Another I know without checking, this relates to an uncooborated Russian autopsy that was probably published for propaganda purposes. Am I right? Am I? Straight Dope is calling it bollocks. (Did you see what I did there? I used the word ‘bollocks’ to refute a story about testicles. Yay me.)
EVERY YEAR, MORE PEOPLE GET KILLED BY DONKEYS THAN PLANE CRASHES
Hmm. This is hardly comparing like with like. Snopes calls it as a urban myth, but best of all is the rabidly pro-donkey site Love Long Ears which passionately pleas, “Help us to dispel this awful rumour-mill factoid – it’s not true, it’s bunk, treat it as such. Please don’t let this statement stop you from getting a donkey or any other animal if you wish to own one!”
GEORGE WASHINGTON GREW MARIJUANA IN HIS BACKYARD
Possibly true, but it sounds like a misrepresentation of the facts. The hemp plant has been widely cultivated around the world for food and making rope. To call this crop marijuana is to emphasise the psychoactive properties of the plant. Wikiquote reports Washington as having said, “Make the most of the Indian hemp seed, and sow it everywhere!” but I find no reputable source that suggests George was a stoner.
Ok, that’s five facts from the back page. Four were complete horse-shit whilst one was written to deceive. That gives Bla Bla a score of 90% toss-monkey. Don’t buy the book, burn it.
just shut up and write the fekkin newsletter, its a ray of shunshine in my otherwise dimly lit life.
hahahaha, i think it’d best putting it back in the loo – maybe someone was hoping to run out of loo roll.
“A GOLDFISH CAN ONLY REMEMBER THE LAST THREE SECONDS OF ITS LIFE”
Sir,
You’re right – the 3-second-memory thing is bull puckey.
I keep all manner of carp, tench and sterlets. The sterlets are incredibly bright, (and friendly, so easy to train) but all of the fish remember me and the missus as a source of food from day to day. They recognise our footsteps. So that’s at least 24 hours’ memory.
After winter, (when they’re not fed) they remember me in the spring. So that’s at least 4 months’ memory.
But more importantly, mostly they remember the heron that tries to eat them every spring. This means that I have a 30-foot pond full of hard-arse fish with year-long memories who know where dinner comes from.
Think if it as evolution in action.
That bit about Hitler comes from a song that was popular with the U.S. GI’s during WWII. I learned the lyrics from my dad, who went through Sicily and up into Italy via Anzio Beach; my girlfriend learned them from her dad, who’d served under General Patton in North Africa. I’d guess that anyone who’s dad was a dogface in the war would know this song.
The song is ‘Colonel Bogey’s March’, and the tune is the one they whistle (as Tommy Smothers said “‘cuz the words are dirty.”)in the movie ‘The Bridge Over The River Quai’.
“Hitler has only got one ball,
Georing has two but very small,
Himmler has something sim’lar,
and poor old Geobbels has no balls at all”
I was an army brat and lived on-base during most of the sixties, and that song was almost as popular with the eight-to-ten set as ‘Great Green Gobs of Greasey Grimey Gopher Guts’.
Makes me wonder if the maroons that “wrote” that book overheard some kid singing and took it from there.
Been searching for useless facts like this because yet it is useless I still find it very intersting. I found a site called http://dumbest.info with alot of information like this. It is so addictive, lol! :)