Word up cyberfruits, it’s compo time.
Mr Biffo, probably best known for writing the cult Digitiser pages on Teletext, has taken time out from his hectic schedule to write a book.
It’s basically a collection of chatroom transcripts where Biffo pretends to be a lady, and winds up men hungry for the sexing.
Clicky the book to read the reviews on Amazon.
And in the interests of self publicity he’s emailed B3ta and asked us to help him pimp it, and so, your challenge is this:
What would you like Mr Biffo to draw?
The most amusing five suggestions will be drawn by the fair – if not girly – hand of Biffo, inside his book and sent to YOU. Yes, to YOU, dear reader.
Add your suggestions to the comments below. Well, if you fancy getting a copy of the book that is. If not, then quietly go on your way.
WINNERS ANNOUNCED
The horrified face of Gordon Brown as he sits down at the big desk for his first day as PM, only to find a big poo in the PM’s private pencil case. (mrdirtylegs)
Pirates milking a giraffe. (Zo)
The Greatest Game Ever Played. (Digeridude)
A shortened Bayeux Tapestry with a naked Harold. (Kelly)
A brand new knife and wife thing. (doveston)
So thanks to everyone who made suggestions, and to Mr Biffo for being a good sport. Books will be winging their way to the winners shortly.
The Shop Keeper inviting Mr Benn, crudely dressed as a Whore, to sit in front of a PC displaying a seedy chat room.
babies in limbo
what he thinks lonely men picture when they start talking to him
Margaret Thatcher Poledancing
Man Sex!
Mr Biffo and I playing orignal pong!
Just a screen shot with possibly names at the top!
A big dirty spunky penis with pubes and veins included!
baldus the killer bumbum
The “Virgin”-writing.
A wee boy, looking a wee bit lost.
An accurate artist’s impression of the damage done to my psyche and subconscious mind during the past 20 minutes reading these suggestions
A 300 metre long line drawn in an intricate spiral on the fourth page of the book. It must be no more than 2 points thick and the colour must be 33FF33.
Oh yes, and I want an infinite number of monkeys surfing on it “Line Rider” style.
The curtains.
The atom that was TOO BIG for human science.
graham norton reciving felatio from mr t
a dissapointed giraffe
representaions of the seven deadly sins using ONLY STRAIGHT LINES
A slightly sarcastic owl
turner the worm being fucked by bamber from bamboozle.
Mr Biffo Should Definatly Draw Ainsley Harriot Leg Dropping A Child Through A Table!
MR BLOBBY HAVING SEX WITH NOEL EDMONDS
A perplexed mongoose… he can be perplexed for whatever reason you choose. Maybe he’s confused about his sexualitly, who knows?
Do you know that man from the X-Files, well his mother dusting a grand piano.
I would like to see a picture of Bill Oddie being pecked to death by small wild birds.
He should draw the face of a man who has just learned that his cult teletext pages are being dropped by under-appreciative moronic TV execs.
In pixelated teletext stylee. Yo.
An eyelid being a politician, inside a cow.
A cock with rob Manuels face.
A giant mechanical digger, excavating a burrow that is said to contain the remains of the Mongolian Death Worm. However, they have found that it is instead the start of a series of tunnels inhabitted by Tibetan monks. These monks, named Trevor and Baz, secretly rule the world by manipulating the internet through eldritch steam punk technology that has been left under the earth by alien visitors. These aliens were not like us though and the machine cannot be operated by human hands, but rather a different part of the anatomy, the left nipple. This has to be fully shaven to make correct contact. The monks have grown big and fat as they eat only KFC, they do not like generic chicken shops, as they were influenced at an early age to experience terrifying brand loyalty to the colonel. Only one man can save the world from these monks schemes, but he has yet to realise it and is living his life normally, making TV shows about gangs around the world. In order to save the world he must trek for many miles to Netto, where he can buy own brand jam with which to dissolve their souls, by gluing them to the alien machine. He also needs to build a giant robotic cat, in which to travel through the tunels, as they are larger than anything, particularly the london underground during the summer. All of this should be taking place inside a mystic mandala, that sums up the meaning of life and why we are here.
DRAW THIS
A hoarde of vikings rapeing thatcher while building a golden longboat. in the background prince charles is being bummed by a horse which is picking up pineapples and putting them in the long boat. the horse has scars from various cowboys which have ridden her over the years. the queen looks on with a rye smile, but periodically says “one is not amused” at 31 minute intervals.
A 2 frame animation (drawn on two different pages that I must flick backward and forward to achieve the animation) of Rolf Harris tromboning Lieutenant Columbo.
Oh, and this must be in the style of a Teletext page. You must adhere to the same resolution and colours available to Teletext.
Thank you.
A REALLY CRUSTY BOGEY!!!! HA HA
Like brickies do.
…Wipe a real one and draw round it. Thats what I’d do.
The inside of a tennis ball
Sod all this Biffo… just draw a big, fat and oh-so juicy peach lodged into the broken eye socket of the Scottish Widow’s widow; just like i know you’d really like to.
Debbie from off of of Debbie’s Diary having a crafty Kitkat shuffle
Ganondorf tucking into his favourite sandwich.
a picture of Rapebear
A midget
Conclusions about the sort of people who leave these suggestions…
his mum doing him with a 10 foot dildo in his arse
him self
asnake craling out the tolet updawn frenches arse out her mouth into her cunt flaps out her under crack and licking a sumos knob whos eating wini the poo
Biffo writing a glowing review of his own book on Amazon.
A brown trumpet and cock coat of arms.
Hitler, in an Elvis costume, giving birth to an anthropomorphic duck whilst squatting over the grave of a liar on a dark midnight. This event is being filmed by a fat Brazilian man, who is wearing ass-less leather chaps and a stripy jumper, whilst wanking it over a photograph of Terry Wogan.
Alternatively, a tea party in a ferret’s bungalow.
john lesile joining in and videotaping a smurf orgy
The ceiling of the Sistene Chapel, but made out of a collage of tiny Goatse pictures.
Tubgirl, but made out of a collage of tiny Sistene Chapel images.
Bamber Boozler giving the Goatse salute
just stick with the Knob will ya
Kremiln Gremlins.
The Bukkake Mona Lisa
A `Motty’ please tanks
an elephant sodomizing a rabbit