Word up cyberfruits, it’s compo time.
Mr Biffo, probably best known for writing the cult Digitiser pages on Teletext, has taken time out from his hectic schedule to write a book.
It’s basically a collection of chatroom transcripts where Biffo pretends to be a lady, and winds up men hungry for the sexing.
Clicky the book to read the reviews on Amazon.
And in the interests of self publicity he’s emailed B3ta and asked us to help him pimp it, and so, your challenge is this:
What would you like Mr Biffo to draw?
The most amusing five suggestions will be drawn by the fair – if not girly – hand of Biffo, inside his book and sent to YOU. Yes, to YOU, dear reader.
Add your suggestions to the comments below. Well, if you fancy getting a copy of the book that is. If not, then quietly go on your way.
WINNERS ANNOUNCED
The horrified face of Gordon Brown as he sits down at the big desk for his first day as PM, only to find a big poo in the PM’s private pencil case. (mrdirtylegs)
Pirates milking a giraffe. (Zo)
The Greatest Game Ever Played. (Digeridude)
A shortened Bayeux Tapestry with a naked Harold. (Kelly)
A brand new knife and wife thing. (doveston)
So thanks to everyone who made suggestions, and to Mr Biffo for being a good sport. Books will be winging their way to the winners shortly.
I’m surprised no-one has mentioned the most obvious suggestion – A picture of Tom selleck in drag, bobbing for grenades in an oil drum full of sailor’s cum. It’s what we all want to see.
Draw Rod, Jane & Freddy pointing and laughing at Andi Peters as he rolls down the M1 motorway whilst sellotaped to the Wheel Of Fortune.
A budgie, battering a policeman. With a vent.
A scene from Willo-the-Wisp.
A small clearing in Doyley Woods: centremost is Evil Edna (her face overlaid with a classic Digitiser tv-grab) being taken roughly from behind by The Beast (with the face of Mr Biffo).
As he pulls her antennas, they are being watched from behind a shrub to the left by Mavis Cruet. While she shoves a sticky looking Twit up her twat, Carwash rims her with his sandpaper-like cat’s tongue (his glasses misted up).
Watching from the other side is The Moog and Arthur who are performing 79 (like 69 but each with a hand up their arse) whilst Willo-the-Wisp cracks one off into The Moogs ear.
Make sure you get the atmosphere of Doyley Woods right, that could spoil the whole thing.
My Biffo should draw a picture of the cover of my forthcoming book “Confessions Of An Internet Pervert” which is a collection of chat transcripts where I pretend to be a succession of socially inept men on the internet chatting to LoopyLisa21f with the aim of getting her to say some “really weird stuff”.
A weasel with a hemorrhoid problem
Dear Mr Biffo please could you draw for me “The mental processes of the “suit and ties” who canceled CITV’s home grown output.
Stephen Fry’s evil twin brother.
I’d be dead impressed if Senor Biffo would (or even could) draw us a picture of what he might have looked like if his visit to Chernobyl had gone horrible awry.
I would like Mr Biffo to draw ‘Disappointment caused by “Eastenders”‘.
A Cadbury’s Creme Egg, being eaten by a creature that is the physical manifestation of hatred. If he were to be asked “how do you eat yours?”, he would make it perfectly clear that he eats his Cadbury’s Creme Egg with a gun.
Jim Bowen out of Bullseye and Ted Rogers out of 3-2-1 dressed as tuppeny hookers and dragging the disemboweled corpse of Paul Daniels out of Every second counts into an alleyway where we can see Anne Robinson out of Weakest link shoving the severed leg of Les Dawson from Blankety Blanky into her tattered, shit-smeared cunt hole. Meanwhile Jesus is felching mohamed.
Barry Manilow has fallen on hard times and has been employed as the keel of a boat. It wasn’t going too badly until one day, sailing through the Indian ocean, an entire pod of dolphins appears and repeatedly rape him in the face.
The ship’s captain, Inglebert Humperdink looks on shaking his head and fiddling with his nads.
A bear listening to REM
nothing
What you think one of the guys you chatted to online as LoopyLisa looks like in real life
or, if you feel that’s too mean, a picture of a unicorn or something.
A large, slightly camp, lion playing monopoly with a grumpy baboon in a man nappy.
I’d like Mr. Biffo to draw troubled, multi-suggestion-haver Wasp Box. I see him as an early 30’s male whose average degree in an oversubscribed subject from an uheralded university has resulted in him holding a poorly paid office job that he believes he’s too good for while accepting that the combination of his lack of courage and proclivity for dawdling on the internet for hours a day almost certainly means he will not achieve more. He converses with his colleagues almost exclusively ironically and struggles to make eye contact with any female between the ages of 12 and 55. When people struggle to understand his odd speech patterns and obscure references, he rolls his eyes then sneers inwardly as if to convince himself he’s really enjoyed confusing that person, to whom he (wrongly) feels superior. He lives with his parents and is embarassed by this. His relationship with them is akin to that of a mouthy but vulnerable 16 year-old. He has typed the word ‘rape’ into a Google image search on more than one occasion. His masturbation-to-sex ratio stands somewhere in the vicinity of 500-1.
Not that Mr. Biffo should let this affect his creative process of course!
The leader of RIAA getting double teamed by The Pirate Bay leadership and the President of the FCC.
The look on my face when I find out I’ve won this stupid competition but already bought the damn book anyway. On a cock.
Children sledging downhill very fast on a dead tramp.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Despair. “Why must it always be lettuce?”
Your bigoted, neighbourhood Spider-Manning.
A picture of the greatest and bestest picture in the world.
A massive dead tramp in a skip, at the back of Woolworths. With a nice dress on.
The Bamboozler doing something bad.
I’ve got it.
A midget nazi riding a dog, and the dog is having a shit
laurel and hardy
toil and melancholy
backseat bangers backseatbangers…
hottest backseat bangers backseatbangers…
All Internal…
all internal…