Mr Biffo compo

Word up cyberfruits, it’s compo time.

Mr Biffo, probably best known for writing the cult Digitiser pages on Teletext, has taken time out from his hectic schedule to write a book.

It’s basically a collection of chatroom transcripts where Biffo pretends to be a lady, and winds up men hungry for the sexing.

41RVI7NiXGL._SS500_.jpg
Clicky the book to read the reviews on Amazon.

And in the interests of self publicity he’s emailed B3ta and asked us to help him pimp it, and so, your challenge is this:

What would you like Mr Biffo to draw?

The most amusing five suggestions will be drawn by the fair - if not girly - hand of Biffo, inside his book and sent to YOU. Yes, to YOU, dear reader.

Add your suggestions to the comments below. Well, if you fancy getting a copy of the book that is. If not, then quietly go on your way.

WINNERS ANNOUNCED

chat1.jpg
The horrified face of Gordon Brown as he sits down at the big desk for his first day as PM, only to find a big poo in the PM’s private pencil case. (mrdirtylegs)

chat4.jpg
Pirates milking a giraffe. (Zo)

chat3.jpg
The Greatest Game Ever Played. (Digeridude)

chat5.JPG
A shortened Bayeux Tapestry with a naked Harold. (Kelly)


chat2.jpg
A brand new knife and wife thing. (doveston)

So thanks to everyone who made suggestions, and to Mr Biffo for being a good sport. Books will be winging their way to the winners shortly.

331 Responses to “Mr Biffo compo”

  1. HappyToast Says:

    the life blood from a dying swan

  2. Jeccy Says:

    The entire creation of the universe, as acted out by Steven Hawkings. Extra points for the creation of the “Dribbly Way”

  3. mictoboy Says:

    i can’t think of anything amusing for mr biffo to draw, but i’d love a free book.
    How about a picture of me wanting a free bokk?

  4. mictoboy Says:

    oops
    ‘book’

  5. Double 2 Says:

    Ainsley Harriot playing The Virgin Mary in a particularly graphic version of the nativity

  6. Mighty Nibus Says:

    Cat on a rotten hoof

  7. grey kid Says:

    The Last Supper, attended solely by the cast of On The Buses.

  8. Keyboard Weasel Says:

    A group of nuns driving a bathtub race car down a steep hill.

  9. Friz Says:

    Jeremy Beadle shitting into his tiny, tiny hand and then making sweet love to his own excrement, whilst he wears a funny hat.

  10. pdjpdj Says:

    a man eating his own head

  11. Wasp Box Says:

    A Buddhist monk was out walking in the foothills of the Himalayas, contemplating the beauty of nature and the sanctity of life, when he was set upon by a yeti. The yeti tore into the monks robes and struck a savage blow with its powerful clawed hand, ripping a horrible wound into the monk’s belly. The yeti, now overcome with lust, has begun to brutally fuck the gaping bloody wound with its enormous, throbbing spiked cock. The beasts massive balls are swinging back and forth in its pendulous scrotum. Meanwhile, the Dali Lama, controller of the yeti, stands watching from behind a bush. His glasses are askew as he laughs maniacally, his orange robes are hitched up to his round belly and he viciously beats at his own engorged prick with a sharp rock, thus creating a beautiful fountain of blood and spunk.

  12. Wasp Box Says:

    The aftermath of an enormous orgy at BBC Television Centre
    Eamonn Holmes is twitching in a corner having been milked totally dry by George Alagyah’s Mechanical Wanking Spanner, George himself has suffocated after his head became lodged inside Fern Cotton’s spasming vag-pipe. Weatherman Rob McElwee failed to forecast the fatal consequences of rimming Dawn French while she’s standing on a wobbly milking stool in a pair of ludicrous stilletoes. Finally, David Tennant grins happily as he sits naked amongst the blood and entrails of the entire cast of Eastenders.

  13. Double 2 Says:

    an extremely fat person (maybe that bloke who you see on TV balancing cars on his head) unsuccessfuly attempting the sacred act of self filatio.

  14. Thor_sonofodin Says:

    paris hilton lost in the ghetto suburbs of downtown LA, she is looking for her little puppydog what she has named ‘blackie’.

    paris doesn’t know what hits her when she is savagly beaten and raped by several gangs who, for some reason, have forgotten any bad blood between then for this act.

    it’s three days before the police find what is left of her defiled body.

  15. Hamster Trippin' Says:

    A fat giraffe wearing in-line skates buying a new LCD tv from Dixons.

  16. Waisted Fred Says:

    Helen of Troy rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic

  17. doktored Says:

    Draw the end scene of that film Society featuring Billy Warnock - when all the people meld into a giant sex monster.

  18. finnbar Says:

    How about a picture of Biffo the Bear, from the Beano?

  19. Normski Says:

    A very slightly dangerous sparrow

  20. Ben Says:

    Detective Columbo pinning his murderous rampages on another opera singer / Hollywood director / parking attendant. Again.

  21. naked_pete Says:

    Turner the worm being sick.

  22. Monty Propps Says:

    George Michael as sleeping beauty at a set of traffic lights.

  23. monkeon Says:

    I’d like the corners of the book to have multiple drawings which turn it into a flickbook animation of Diana : Princess of Wales / Hearts detailing that time she went on a log flume at Chessington World of Adventure with the two princes.

    Either that or I’d like Mr Biffo to write a letter to James Bond in pencil and rub it out so that I have to scribble over for the indentations to make the message re-appear like a top spy would have to.

  24. Sunburnt Tiger Says:

    A robot playing chess against a man in a cage
    (it’s just the man in the cage not both of them)

  25. Smallbrainfield Says:

    I’d love it if Mr Biffo were to render a pastoral scene, featuring yokels caked in shit and filth, bemoaning the lack of good oxen with lots of arm gestures. Meanwhile, in the sky, Alan Sugar can be seen in a helicopter, slapping his hand to his face in despair and pressing a button to activate nuclear apocalypse.

    He could also include a sketch of David Cameron slipping and falling on his arse over a comedy banana, which somehow ends up pistoning into the suprised face of Boris Johnson, killing him instantly. A close up of blood and grue spilling over his unruly blonde hair would also be welcome.

  26. Anjin Says:

    A small cake.

  27. Smallbrainfield Says:

    Or how about a series of sketches of famous cartoonists, such as Jim Davis, Gary Larson, Giles, Scott Adams and the bloke who did Fred Bassett, beating their respective creations with a series of close to hand blunt instruments such as ashtrays, chairs or standard lamps? The cartoonist in every instance is shouting “FUNNY!”

  28. mikey c Says:

    I want to see Mr Biffo and Rob Manuel wearing only strategically placed top hats and a merkin as a beard. Not as a picture; I just want to see it. It will excite me.

  29. Monty Propps Says:

    Zombie Dave.

    I want to see what he looks like. REALLY.

    With Jordan. You know, thrr brrrd wrrz thrr tttrrrdz.

  30. Smallbrainfield Says:

    How about a series of sketches of national stereotypes as seen from above? For example, a Mexican weeing into a bucket, or a Mexican riding a bike, or 3 Mexicans weeing into a bucket?

    (Also, if you write 3-D on a piece of paper and turn it on it’s side, it looks like a bottom pooing into a chamber pot!)

  31. Wasp Box Says:

    Dandy highwayman Adam Ant. This week, his beleagured brain has lead him to a fish market and he has waved an antique musket at a stall holder threatening to blow his fucking brains out.
    Furtunately, comedy bald man Ross Kemp is on hand to save the day by staring in a stern yet wooden manner at Adam. He does not however know that Ant and his unusual brainpan have an unholy love for bald men and the stench of fish. The combination is all too much and he goes for Kemp like a Pinscher for a child, pinning him down, tearing his denim clothing from his body and ramming bucket after bucket of rancid fish guts into his sore and swollen bellend.

    Bella Emberg watches from a safe distance gently frigging herself with a live perch.

  32. Wasp Box Says:

    a beautiful Polish girl
    in a snow covered park fashioning enormous dildos out of ice and snow and giving herself a really good doing in both holes at once. The cold adds a certain piquancy to her activities.

    A group of tramps has gathered to watch, the one with the beard is trying to tease his alcohol-ruined cock to attention while a baglady flashes her shit-caked flaps at a passing businessman.

    The businessman hides a dark secret.

  33. Wasp Box Says:

    Hero of the skies Douglas Bader

    Has returned home from his final mission, two bloody, itching stumps where his legs used to be.
    He lies on his bed and he can feel pain in his toes, the soles of his feet are tickling and his knees ache.
    But there are no toes or soles or knees.
    He begins to slip into a pit of despair; my life is over he thinks as he reaches to scratch an itch on his thigh, groaning despondently as his hand passes through thin air.

    I can’t continue like this, he thinks, I have to pull myself together. I know what will cheer me up - a good hard shag with a classy whore!
    So with a new resolve, Douglas dials 118 118 and gets the number for an exclusive Prossie agency and orders their best.
    Half an hour later, the most gorgeous hooker in town is in his bedroom dancing in front of him, slowly undressing.
    Douglas can feel his rigid cock straining against his pants. The girl peels off her thong and starts to crawl along the bed towards his crotch. By now, he can feel his engorged helmet throbbing like a generator.
    The lovely tart flicks her long blonde hair back and slowly begins to pull down his shorts and Douglas feels his renownedly long joystick spring free.
    He looks down, but all he can see is another itching, bloody stump.

  34. Smallbrainfield Says:

    A series of sketches of an increasingly agitated Wasp Box belting his troubled member against ever more abrasive surfaces in an attempt to quell the terrible, terrible urge he feels to pen a spiralling series of grisly vignettes which threaten to spill twitching from his syphillitic brain. The final sketch has him plunging into a cactus patch while a truck empties mousetraps and quicklime onto the whole floundering morass.

  35. enidd Says:

    a parsnip.

  36. scaryduck Says:

    “Bosoms”

  37. Wasp Box Says:

    Smallbrainfield’s suggestion above made me think of that heartwarming pair of vignettes:

    edward woodward
    hammering in a fencepost with his massive, bleeding cock

    and

    edward woodward
    trying to stretch his japseye over a bloody and splintered fencepost, having given up on his previous endeavours

  38. Sticky Label Says:

    Sexy nuns!

  39. prodigy69 Says:

    the life and times of a sock

  40. MillywiggZ Says:

    Xbox coming out of someones arse.

  41. NinjaBadger Says:

    Science.

  42. Jeccy Says:

    Two paedos in an Internet cafe chatting up each other, completely unaware that they are not chatting to kids but indeed themselves.

    While wanking furiosly.

  43. Piemuncher Says:

    A giant, cybernetic wasp shopping for lingerie. The name of the shop is “Bras-U-Buzz” and the sales assistant has a lazy eye.

  44. Leece Says:

    A document successfully proving the existence of the Chinese

  45. Colonel Dracula Says:

    A Teletext viewer frantically pushing buttons on the remote, trying to find the “Hold” button before the page changes.

  46. Scoobs Says:

    A horse (hahaha! - No one can draw horses)

  47. Pint Glass. Says:

    William Shakespeare riding a penny farthing bicycle.

    Naked.

  48. Mr T Says... Says:

    An ape struggling to remember the colour purple.

  49. PierceUK Says:

    a house- kid style, extra points for using finger paints

  50. Daniel Bernardi Says:

    a monkey-butler serving Hitler (his cigar smoking master) live swan from a silver platter while trying not to release his hang-over & curry crap from the night before. oh, and the swan is in a gimp mask.

  51. Hotdog Says:

    A Monkey and a Hippo tap dancing to see ya later alligator.

  52. James Says:

    A happy, pleased, fufilled emo.

  53. dodgy dave Says:

    ……. his last breath…….

  54. Whiskas Says:

    Mr Universe being kicked accidentally by Darcy Bussell with Statler and Waldorf laughing at them

  55. Naeon Says:

    Snakes, cussing. And Mr T’s bins. That is all.

  56. Kid Camel Says:

    A perfect circle. PERFECT I SAY!

  57. Cocodaye Miasere Says:

    Funk Force Five

  58. mrdirtylegs Says:

    Just the horrified face of Gordon Brown as he sits down at the big desk for his first day as PM, only to find a big poo in the PM’s private pencil case.

    (you can write gordon on his t-shirt to make it simplier, I don’t know how good you are a drawing faces. Poo in a pencil case should be easy, everyone has a brown crayola lying around)

  59. CrazyDave Says:

    Something a bit extreme, you know like:
    A man skateboarding out of a helicopter, in front of a avalanche, that’s heading for a river of lava.

  60. Tim Says:

    My cat.

  61. Nick Says:

    A sample page of teletext

  62. Tracy Says:

    Gary “have you seen my tablecloth” Wilmot suffering from elephantitis of the knees trying to woo (with his prehensile earlobes) Henry Kelly who is otherwise distracted by the fact his light switch looks like a friendly face.

  63. AndyB Says:

    please draw ‘A suffusion of Yellow’, or ‘Emptiness’

  64. Andrew Pomples Pickup Says:

    My shopping list!!

    Beel
    eggs
    Egges
    Sauce
    Gas (for the ladies!!)

  65. Lord Manley Says:

    I’d like to see a lesbian riding a horse with a punnet of strawberries on her lap and a box of frogs on her shoulder. Her lesbian tendencies may be displayed in any way, but I might suggest comfortable shoes.

    The frogs in the box may or may not be fucking grannies.

  66. Piefest Says:

    A can of lager crying because it can’t feed its starving children and their pet cucumber.

  67. Tim Says:

    Draw those bright spots that you see when you blink after pressing too hard against your eyeballs.

  68. Yeknom Says:

    A graphic demonstration of the pure feeling of unimaginable terror experienced when you think you have your head stuck in something.

  69. Steve Downing Says:

    A scene of pastoral Iraq if only someone had gone back in time and killed Prescott Bush (GW Bush’s evil war profiteering grandfather).

  70. gordy Says:

    A robotic big toe that can photoshop a pic, type on a message board, enter a compo and wank the host person all at once… with a B3TA logo on the nail…

    (came to me in a dream)

  71. Richard Says:

    A portrait of me, based on what someone who asks a person to draw them without seeing them first might look like. If it is me reading Biffo’s old teletext stuff using a view point within the TV looking out thought the old skool text, even better.

  72. scoshi Says:

    Jimmy Saville giving it the large one

  73. 5700 Says:

    A quality sketch of Mr Biffo himself taking a dump on hitlers head whilst having a wank, bonus points for badly drawn cock and vinegar stroke action.

  74. Butters Says:

    Morrissey as a Nazi, driving a lorry full of used lottery tickets.

  75. Manst Says:

    What about what my Uncle used to do to me? That would make a great picture. A special picture for a special person, he’ll say.

  76. Tosh Says:

    Steve Rothery eating Fish and Fish plucking Heather

  77. Chris Says:

    A giant pulsating Neil Kinnock.

  78. Mr Eggs On The Heath Says:

    The Golden Girls being berated by Bill Oddie because he has only just found out than the producers of the Golden Girls left subliminal flammatory messages about Bill in the end credits to every epsiode. Whilst all this happening, popular rapper Ice Cube has found himself in an hilarious situation involving an actual Ice Cube and several second rate comedians.

    Meanwhile, whilst all this is going on, no-one has noticed Kai-el advancing towards a building made entirely out of kriptonite. Kai-el, obviously allergic to this substance, instantly drops to the ground and causes a giant earthquake which causes a slight sense of depression in a man manning a mannequin multiplex in manilla.

  79. Zo Says:

    Some pirates milking a giraffe, please.

  80. Roddy Says:

    Bamber Boozle knocking one out.

  81. Davidleach Says:

    What about a picture of a tanner filled with piss colliding with a truck carrying liquid shit to a vomiting convention?

    Or.

    Just a nice picture of a plate of fish sticks from Satan’s armpits.

  82. Dave Swallow Says:

    The reaction of your family, friends - heck, even your publisher, upon having heard your initial description of this book - your magnum opus, if you like. Capture their… pride?

  83. rds Says:

    Mr Biffo and LoopyLisa21f wearing each others underwear.

  84. Bboudicca Says:

    Fish on a bicycle !

  85. brainstuff Says:

    Ninjas playing Jenga.

  86. bosey Says:

    marillion riding pillion cheered on by millions

  87. Toastski Says:

    Ducks.. with old gnarled hands instead of wings. Attacking David Gest.

  88. Neonsign Says:

    Lots

  89. George Says:

    Me. I’m gorgeous what else would anyone want!

  90. Redbull_(UK) Says:

    Mr Biffo’s cum-face

  91. Cliff Says:

    Please Mr Biffo Sir,

    Could you draw me a rubbish circle? RUBBISH I SAY!!!

    /…waits for Mr B to try Kid Camel’s request and get the rejects…/

  92. Hankster Says:

    Draw Jordan fucking that twat Peter fucking Andre in the arse

  93. Lee Thornton Says:

    How about George Bush and Tony Blair receiving the Nobel Peace Prize?

  94. Hampster Squared Says:

    Silly Old Harry
    Catching A Herring
    Tapdancing On Anacondas

    (My maths teacher said ‘Trawling Off America’, but that never really did it for me…)

  95. MartinH Says:

    Mr T’s wife Mrs T

  96. Man Diary Says:

    an elaborate heating system explaing to Professor Stephen Hawking that he may not be a great judge of character

  97. Joke Says:

    A Penis.

  98. craney Says:

    the eBay logo. As soon as I win its going on there anyways, so your cutting out the middle man. PROFIT! PROFIT! PROFIT!

  99. The Figurative Pineapple Says:

    Himself. Touching a goat inappropriately.

  100. Honkey Donkey Says:

    Pain

  101. Ash White Says:

    a wank

  102. Moel Siabod Says:

    I don’t know…how about a kitten being sacrificed on a giant, excited CDC with the Quo wielding a big knife?

  103. Lightguy Says:

    A GOAT EATING A SHOWER CURTAIN

  104. Punkgirl Says:

    The Queen being fisted by a boxing kangaroo.

  105. DrSeg Says:

    a very fat ginger person naked so Fuhrer R.M. doesnt feel so alone!

  106. Matt Says:

    Turner the worm being sick while a cowboy with a big hat is assaulted by a rusty tin man swinging his chopper so bloody hard that his nuts have fallen off while a giant Mr T leers in the background, decimating a city, commanding everyone to stop “touching his bins”.

  107. boo Says:

    two camels fighting over a tin of cling peaches. when i say over i mean about, not, standing over

  108. Apocalypse Says:

    GOATSE !!!

  109. tom oakley Says:

    the queen swimming inside a giant dinosaur egg

  110. Dicky Moore Says:

    procedure DrawMandelbrot(ACanvas: TCanvas; X, Y, au, bu: Double; X2, Y2: Integer);
    var
    c1, c2, z1, z2, tmp: Double;
    i, j, Count: Integer;
    begin
    c2 := bu;
    for i := 10 to X2 do
    etc…

  111. doran Says:

    Draw a Bunyip, the mythological Australian creature that I’ve heard ‘can take any form your imagination chooses’. I try to get a Bunyip from people who I meet - it’s like seeing a little way into the fucked-up bit of their heads. Go on - show me yer Bunyip.

  112. giant_squid Says:

    Three-and-a-half men called Sid.

  113. McVc Says:

    a knob.

  114. gosh eye hand Says:

    A foolish kittle handlebrush drinking twelve cantebury iggledumps choggling on a wriggle of heaving manrish hundink. Then oversum oncetime healthing a fortun-based eaglecock, fortran firune un coddling-like. Eatery based pancakes, bed-ridden with coldsore hangcantery - cheesing over the fire - dribbling dribbling dribbling, oops! bubble on the head, like a hung cunt.

    Try that, drawman.

  115. Dan Thornton Says:

    The last thing to go through a fly’s mind as it hits a car windscreen.

  116. Lazy Rich Says:

    A Wispa.

  117. Adam Says:

    A disabled person, sucking off Steve Irwin’s corpse, whilst being shit on by a unicorn.

  118. Andrew Martin Says:

    A cobweb in one of the top corners. Extra marks for making it interact with any adornments on the top of the screen, spelling a word with thicker threads or stuff caught in it.

    OR

    A cut out showing some of the underlying page.

    OR

    The terrible truth about what’s on the other side of a mouse pointer (I amagine it’s mostly steam driven, though heavily dependant on slave labour)

    OR

    Lemmings all over the text as if ‘t were a level.

  119. citadel Says:

    Fluffeh Teim. Two kittens occupying a base.

  120. polar ice Says:

    the queen seeing off a massive joint

  121. Dave the copper Says:

    Make Mr Biffo draw me a piccycher of Mr Georgy Bush buggering Tony Blair with his willy.

  122. Ruffgeezer Says:

    Jordon’s Cock.

  123. Russco Says:

    Tyne Daly (the one from Cagney and Lacey who’s now fat) defecating into Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s hot tub.

  124. Catherine Says:

    The internal workings of an earthworm turned outward

  125. Dr Hughes Says:

    A perplexed marmot on a pogo stick

  126. Mothra's evil twin Says:

    John Prescott franticly trying to stuff a live (and very uncooperative) otter up his great wobbly arse before the Countdown clock reaches zero, in the mistaken belief that it will gain him wider public acceptance.

  127. Afinkawan Says:

    A picture of what, in your opinion, is the second most cunning plan ever.

  128. hairybiddy Says:

    A wombat carefully balanced on one leg upon an oil drum, smoking a cigar with carefree exuberance whilst taking in the wonderful vista of Swindon’s magic roundabout where much to the surprise of a passing koala kangaroos are protesting about the new laws requiring them to wear trilby hats at all times…

  129. slotbadger Says:

    I want him to black out every page of the book for me.

  130. sultandibble Says:

    rod hull’s REAAAL arm.. possibly with a smattering of green jelly

  131. Shirley_Crabtree Says:

    Bender the robot and Homer J Simpson playing operation wearing boxing gloves please.

  132. Wicksa Says:

    Mr T’s mother… aparently there aint no other than his mother. I’ll have Biffo draw me mr.T treating his mother right.

  133. WebmasterFF Says:

    A clown getting raped by Mr T (may or may not involve his bins and rectum breaching)

  134. bommer Says:

    a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing a drawing of you drawing of you in the book.

  135. specialneeds Says:

    a cat enjoying the sun

  136. Frunobulax Says:

    I bet you could do a really good picture of the Prophet Mohammed.

  137. SnackyOx Says:

    A worm vomiting onto a kitten.

  138. chocchipclaire Says:

    John Major smiling between Marie Antoinettes spread legs as she is smothered by a giant pink cake in the shape of a mobile.

  139. Claypole Says:

    A cartoon picture of Mohamed. Get out of that one Mr Biffo!

  140. Roland E O'Dorant Says:

    Me

  141. Nick Says:

    A stick man… I don’t want to put him under any pressure

  142. Claypole Says:

    Strike that - a TELETEXT version of the cartoon picture of Mohamed!

  143. Sam Says:

    Fish from Marillion’s cock

  144. goat Says:

    Prince Harry, wearing the corpse of the queen mum to a fancy dress party.

  145. Nick Tyler Says:

    a picture of my own (future) grisly death

  146. SqueakyGibson Says:

    Daily Mail film critic Christopher Tookey watching a snuff film, whilst masturbating with his own faeces and crying hysterically because his father never loved him.

  147. Louse Says:

    Steven Fry smiting the unbelievers.

  148. Louse Says:

    Jeremy Clarkson involved in non-consentual sex with a Bugatti Veyron.

  149. Hats Off! Says:

    Bamber Boozle shooting a man in the face after they got all questions correct first time by cheating. (you used to be able to press all the buttons really fast and then the one number/symbol in the top left corner that was different was the correct answer)

    With a bazooka.

  150. Pete Says:

    Could Mr B take time out to draw (and thus prove) some dark matter.
    Just a little bit, that’s all, thanks. :o )

  151. The Lord Gideon Says:

    The Man With A Long Chin.

  152. cm13 Says:

    The Curtains.
    It’s getting dark out.

  153. porky Says:

    Tony Blair cutting off Gordon Brown’s ears and selling them on ebay.

  154. Swany Says:

    Hitler dressed in drag doing the can can whilst waving a union jack and the flag of the Democratic Republic of Congo wearing a see you Jimmy Scottish hat and smoking a large spliff

  155. Moointhedark Says:

    jesus fighting vampires while enjoying some lemon sorbet

  156. S Says:

    A picture of what you would like to see first thing when you wake up hungover on a sunny day.

  157. Gempeow Says:

    i would like to see an emu eating a medieval knight who has very short arms…..pretty please

  158. fleaz Says:

    Pixelated dog wash

  159. Gavin Says:

    Gary Coleman in a musical.

  160. DogSix Says:

    267 anime smilies, 3 life boats full of squallid gypsy fish, and a koala bear eating a pack of cigarettes.

  161. Rhesus Monkey Says:

    A drawing of a seriously screwed up version of The Aristocrats would be nice.

  162. doveston Says:

    a brand new knife and wife thing

  163. johnyballbag Says:

    gordon brown with his hand up a dogs ass - the dog characterised as tony blair

  164. Big Iain Says:

    Fred the Oyster gets some sweet, sweet chicken lovin’

  165. NLi10 Says:

    Some nice pixel art, little rough pencil squares. Just start drawing some and see what it ends up looking like. And then write your name at the bottom.

    Just ordered the book from Amazon anyway - £6.59 is very reasonable for a book these days.

  166. z0mb13e Says:

    Spong Monkey in ASCII (teletext style)

  167. Jim Bob Smith Says:

    Superman fighting giant nazi robots.

  168. Helwilliams Says:

    the knob shaped news people from Parsley Boobs over there on Weebls Stuff eating an otter.

  169. BODAYDO? Says:

    buns

  170. Norman T Goat Says:

    Can you draw my big toe please, left or right, I’m not fussy.

  171. hismastersvice Says:

    JC on a special ‘crotchless’ cricifix with a crafty step ladder behind so that folks can pop in for a cold one.

  172. Apres Says:

    Could you draw, in sharp detail a naked Ms Jade Goody, astride a fully inflated space-hopper, her hairy pie being attended to by the loving (but dribbling) tongue of erstwhile belm, Mr. Joseph Deacon?

    That would certainly be fantastic, and in forty years’ time, when my grand-kids try to raise monies from family heirlooms for a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I can laugh in mirth as it raises nothing at all at an auction house.

  173. teh fi3nd Says:

    fuck the book, I wanna digi t-shirt

    480 FTW

  174. Leningrad Says:

    I’d like to see Mr. Biffo drawing a small child - Eastern European. Perhaps Ukranian. He is in a dark and dusty room, with a broken NES controller ‘plugged into’ the cardboard box which doubles as his imaginary televison and NES. His face looks grubby in the light which is creeping in through the window. If he only looked, he’d see the face of his mother. Crying. She can’t help him anymore. Somebody will find him. Somebody will look after him. She has to go. This is the last time she will ever see him, and he doesn’t even realise that she is there.

  175. Vix0r Says:

    A small man, in a dress, balanced on a cucumber saying, “I was here once-oh!”

    OR

    A small man made of plates.

    Both would make me giddy with glee!

  176. Hank Splendid Says:

    One man, his dead wife and their spastic child.

    Please.

  177. Depravo Says:

    A gold-plated reversible sedgewick

  178. Rupert Says:

    My dear old mother.

  179. Gyrate Says:

    African Wild Dogs! Wearing hats! Hats….of GENIUS!

  180. Hansumo Mitsuri Says:

    A Fat man

  181. bunny Says:

    a crucifixion circle jerk, with all the apostles beating furiously around the cross. Forgive them father, they know not what they do.

  182. Drude Says:

    16 white legs and a row of teeth

  183. Deexan Says:

    A disgruntled, broken man recently informed that he is too rotund to have his man-wabs increased in size due to their being covered in many bleeding nipples.

  184. homonk Says:

    A nervous carpenter being followed by a cat

  185. Irregular Shed Says:

    Jimmy Hill’s chin AND NOTHING ELSE.

  186. Dr_Shipman Says:

    A cartoon Hitler shaking hands over with Thatcher over a dead body. The Pope, in the background, crosseyed with laughter or anger. Or possibly due to wanking.

    Your picture, your call.

  187. Roosterfish Says:

    A man, a plan, a canal…Panama.

  188. Simon Indelicate Says:

    The title page of his book in miniature with the drawing of the title page included at each level of the ensuing infinite regress.

  189. Alexx Says:

    i think i would like him to draw a wankipeedia logo……

  190. daveh Says:

    Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall coming out of an egg, weilding a delightful meat-based snack of your choice.

  191. Cupz Says:

    a banana-phone please

    ring ring ring ring ring ring ring

  192. Ziggy Says:

    A very sad dragonfly, he is sad because he has spent his last $1 on a phone in quiz, but they had already chosen the winner, which was his ex wife.

    please

  193. Owwmykneecap Says:

    A Crystal Reversible Sedgewick.

    Coz everyone knows Sedgewicks aren’t reversible.

  194. Joe Riot Says:

    An old fat man being chased in circles BY A SWARM OF BEES

  195. Earthbreaker Says:

    A can of dresses and a shaved pizza

    or perhaps a group of women with fuses protruding from their vaginas

    or a triangle with 4 sides

  196. Filth Merchant Says:

    He should draw the Ginger Fuhrer Signing a copy of the bumper book of sick jokes. Not exactly ridiculous but it could pass for modern art.

  197. A Man Who Likes Nothing More Than A Cup Of Tea And Germaine Greer On The Telly Says:

    The universe collapsing. But only how a squirrel would imagine it. An autistic squirrel.

  198. Geekoid Says:

    I would like Mr. Biffo to draw a flatulent lemur.

  199. RobDeLaROca Says:

    His own genitalia, nailed to a bilboard displaying the crappy pixilated pages of one of his purile digitiser pages. Oh yes and also Violet Berlin masturbating with a Thrustmaster joystick.

  200. Paedosmile Says:

    A big fat bull dyke (or “feminist”) telling a gay black cripple he wouldn’t understand the prejudice women face.

  201. Spunky McPunk Says:

    a whale with a foreskin instead of a mouth

  202. Mark Jones Says:

    Nazis making apple struddel out of Jews.

  203. welephant Says:

    A giant and a midget, both fondling children that are the opposite sizes to the men themselves. So the midget will be fondling a giant child (Peter Andre and Jordans baby preferably) and the giant will be fondling a tiny speck of a child. Make both the children look like they have cerebal palsy.

    In the background, Aphex Twin and Squarepusher should be holding hands and frollocking through a meadow of rape seed, with a speech bubble over there heads saying “Lawks and rollocking!”

    They will both be saying lawks and rollocking, so make sure the speech bubble comes from them both.

    And a plane in the sky, but make the plane green!

  204. Graham Says:

    Fern Britton looking decidedly nervous at a Weight Watchers meeting.

  205. various_handshake Says:

    I’d like to see a picture of THE WORLD’S TALLEST MAN, but drawn to make him look REALLY SMALL!!!! (Smaller than A LEAF!!!!) HA HA! Imagine that!

    I’m going to go and try to draw that now myself. I want to see what it looks like (FUNNY, I BET). HA HA!

  206. Anarchy Duck Says:

    How about Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street endorsing fortnightly bin collections and Snuffleupagus offering to eat it all instead?

  207. meepmeep Says:

    Kylie. Naked. Using only ASCII characters.

  208. Roy Stead Says:

    Evil Edna from off of Will O’ The Wisp taking an overdose

  209. RevSi Says:

    A pictoral representation of Teletext being killed off by teh web.

    Ohhhh the symbolism

  210. rev jesse custer Says:

    nuclear powered squirrel poop

  211. Sir Sand Goblin Says:

    all the germans.

  212. cheesebeard Says:

    a small rodent doing a shit on a megabus to plymouth draw that!!

  213. Radagarst Says:

    Chewbacca… shaved.. superglueing all his hair onto R2-D2 whilst an Ewok watches.. and jerks off

  214. cloudfilter Says:

    A pelican with a Reversible Sedgewick in his peli-pouch. His face tells us he is As Pleased As Punch.

    or

    Anthony Hopkins emerging from his chrysalis.

  215. mediocre Says:

    Large quantities of unimployment, seeking revenge for something or other.

  216. mediocre Says:

    Fourteen evil nuns attacking a seemingly unarmed ninja tortoise. They beat the tortoise relentlessly on the shield with their elongated cunty flaps. The tortoise doesn’t seem to mind this at all, and is continuing his game of patience.

  217. Jamie_W Says:

    I want him to draw the Teletext management cowering from the real world.

    (Or a big cock)

  218. J cod Says:

    Myra Hindley and Moira Stuart fighting viciously, michael fish watches gleefully.

  219. onlythegirl Says:

    Himself, wanking in front of a mirror.

  220. Ross Lewis Says:

    I would like Mr Biffo the scourge of my teenage years to draw;

    Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing Mr Biffo drawing a big fat bus stop COCK

  221. hooforama Says:

    DRAW ME LOVE

    And another filthy tranny, on the inside of the book

  222. tony Says:

    The cast of last of the summer wine, landing on the moon, only to find that Bob Todd has set fire to all the sunbeds.

  223. Timbionline Says:

    How about Mira Hindley wearing a blue peter badge?

    or

    Barbra Windsor felating Michael Parkinson whilst swigging turps on a back street in Manchester.

  224. Pootle Says:

    Draw your slowly sapping faith in mankind as no-one buys your book and your hopes of fame, fortune and Charlie Brookerdom slowly ebb away. (Hee hee - hope it sells :) )

  225. MC ali Says:

    a person with taste-buds in their anus

  226. eatsmonkeys Says:

    draw a worm pondering whether it is better to be the giver or the reciever in a modern homosexual relationship

  227. Deexan Says:

    A surfing phallus.

  228. Leigh Says:

    A guide to giving good head.

  229. Ben Says:

    A giant platypus (probably with laser eyes) destroying a London suburb.

  230. godspants Says:

    Two tarts in the arctic

  231. Kate Says:

    Margaret Thatcher, receiving cunilingus from a randy, teenage pidgeon atop an mid-priced motorhome, somewhere in a feild in Tipton.

  232. Digeridude Says:

    THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED!

  233. Amy Says:

    A fox wearing a boob tube and a kilt dancing to the song agadoo, being played by a band of travenling gypsy peanuts, each one of them with some form of disfigurment. On a stage made of unwanted christmas gifts and rice pudding, and in the corner of one of the pages of the book i would aslo like to see fried egg.

  234. Hann Says:

    Angela Lansbury doing that cycling bit from the opening credits of ‘Murder She Wrote’.

  235. Torimonsta Says:

    MANATEES

  236. RAND Says:

    Mohammed.

  237. Gawain Says:

    A man peeing out of his nose into the mouth of a gimp designated as a urinal, while smelling the arse of another man using his knob….

  238. Fan-DAN-go Says:

    My penchant for fake ads leads me to request an advert for the worlds finest ethically sourced, fair trade, organic Gin (now with friendly bacteria, omega 3 and cure for cancer). Damn those self-righteous supermarkets and their enticing ad campaigns. You have a lot to beat. Toodles

  239. kittywaste Says:

    I’d like you to draw something that when i see it, will make me cry

    from my dirty hole.
    or you know, a unicorn filling in a tax return whilst on the phone to his mum trying to broach the subject that he isn’t married yet, cos he is in fact gay.
    no reason.

  240. Insufferable Says:

    A transvestite sausage.

  241. edward Says:

    Mr. Biffo who is drawing himself in a book, who is drawing himself is a book, who is drawing himself in a book, who is ……

  242. CMU Says:

    A picture of Mr Biffo’s credit card, including accurate card number and expiry date.

  243. Jon Says:

    David Gest eating a sandwich. In private.

  244. Craggie Says:

    A cock. But drawn in the corner of the first 20 or so pages. So that when you flick through them it animates it getting big and spunking. If your really nice, make the spunk spell a word. :)

  245. Homeless Romantic Says:

    Men and dogs swimming up in “Tyson’s salad drawer”.

  246. Kelly Says:

    A shortened Bayeux Tapestry with a naked Harold

  247. Folkboy Says:

    A courgette suddenly becoming sentient and screaming as it’s about to picked from the vine.

  248. Ming Says:

    A fat man who has just fouled in his precious new pants.

  249. Stevros Says:

    Bamboozle man on a Teletext holiday, in a ceefax deckchair with a thong on

  250. Stevros Says:

    Ms Pac Man trying to find Pac Man’s genitalia

  251. Mashcamo Says:

    The Shop Keeper inviting Mr Benn, crudely dressed as a Whore, to sit in front of a PC displaying a seedy chat room.

  252. Peter Says:

    babies in limbo

  253. kieran Says:

    what he thinks lonely men picture when they start talking to him

  254. Choaderboy Says:

    Margaret Thatcher Poledancing

  255. Alfin Says:

    Man Sex!

  256. Alfin Says:

    Mr Biffo and I playing orignal pong!
    Just a screen shot with possibly names at the top!

  257. Alfin Says:

    A big dirty spunky penis with pubes and veins included!

  258. Miko the Cat Says:

    baldus the killer bumbum

  259. Wurst Puns Inc. Says:

    The “Virgin”-writing.

  260. Scott Says:

    A wee boy, looking a wee bit lost.

  261. The Bobster Says:

    An accurate artist’s impression of the damage done to my psyche and subconscious mind during the past 20 minutes reading these suggestions

  262. Calgacus Says:

    A 300 metre long line drawn in an intricate spiral on the fourth page of the book. It must be no more than 2 points thick and the colour must be 33FF33.

    Oh yes, and I want an infinite number of monkeys surfing on it “Line Rider” style.

  263. rjmrjm Says:

    The curtains.

  264. Rich Says:

    The atom that was TOO BIG for human science.

  265. psykit Says:

    graham norton reciving felatio from mr t

  266. psykit Says:

    a dissapointed giraffe

  267. psykit Says:

    representaions of the seven deadly sins using ONLY STRAIGHT LINES

  268. Danger Says:

    A slightly sarcastic owl

  269. bry scumfuck Says:

    turner the worm being fucked by bamber from bamboozle.

  270. Rhys Says:

    Mr Biffo Should Definatly Draw Ainsley Harriot Leg Dropping A Child Through A Table!

  271. leanne Says:

    MR BLOBBY HAVING SEX WITH NOEL EDMONDS

  272. l3xicon Says:

    A perplexed mongoose… he can be perplexed for whatever reason you choose. Maybe he’s confused about his sexualitly, who knows?

  273. MikieBoy Says:

    Do you know that man from the X-Files, well his mother dusting a grand piano.

  274. Drohnwerks Says:

    I would like to see a picture of Bill Oddie being pecked to death by small wild birds.

  275. FluffyPanda Says:

    He should draw the face of a man who has just learned that his cult teletext pages are being dropped by under-appreciative moronic TV execs.

    In pixelated teletext stylee. Yo.

  276. Slurpy The Frog Says:

    An eyelid being a politician, inside a cow.

  277. Sebastiaan Says:

    A cock with rob Manuels face.

  278. Curious Gregor Says:

    A giant mechanical digger, excavating a burrow that is said to contain the remains of the Mongolian Death Worm. However, they have found that it is instead the start of a series of tunnels inhabitted by Tibetan monks. These monks, named Trevor and Baz, secretly rule the world by manipulating the internet through eldritch steam punk technology that has been left under the earth by alien visitors. These aliens were not like us though and the machine cannot be operated by human hands, but rather a different part of the anatomy, the left nipple. This has to be fully shaven to make correct contact. The monks have grown big and fat as they eat only KFC, they do not like generic chicken shops, as they were influenced at an early age to experience terrifying brand loyalty to the colonel. Only one man can save the world from these monks schemes, but he has yet to realise it and is living his life normally, making TV shows about gangs around the world. In order to save the world he must trek for many miles to Netto, where he can buy own brand jam with which to dissolve their souls, by gluing them to the alien machine. He also needs to build a giant robotic cat, in which to travel through the tunels, as they are larger than anything, particularly the london underground during the summer. All of this should be taking place inside a mystic mandala, that sums up the meaning of life and why we are here.

  279. Ed Says:

    DRAW THIS
    A hoarde of vikings rapeing thatcher while building a golden longboat. in the background prince charles is being bummed by a horse which is picking up pineapples and putting them in the long boat. the horse has scars from various cowboys which have ridden her over the years. the queen looks on with a rye smile, but periodically says “one is not amused” at 31 minute intervals.

  280. Zak McFlimby Says:

    A 2 frame animation (drawn on two different pages that I must flick backward and forward to achieve the animation) of Rolf Harris tromboning Lieutenant Columbo.

    Oh, and this must be in the style of a Teletext page. You must adhere to the same resolution and colours available to Teletext.
    Thank you.

  281. Mr.Ingleby Says:

    A REALLY CRUSTY BOGEY!!!! HA HA

    Like brickies do.

    …Wipe a real one and draw round it. Thats what I’d do.

  282. Keith Says:

    The inside of a tennis ball

  283. Oli Says:

    Sod all this Biffo… just draw a big, fat and oh-so juicy peach lodged into the broken eye socket of the Scottish Widow’s widow; just like i know you’d really like to.

  284. Emvee Says:

    Debbie from off of of Debbie’s Diary having a crafty Kitkat shuffle

  285. Robin Bozazz Says:

    Ganondorf tucking into his favourite sandwich.

  286. James Says:

    a picture of Rapebear

  287. Xander Says:

    A midget

  288. Keith Says:

    Conclusions about the sort of people who leave these suggestions…

  289. random dick head Says:

    his mum doing him with a 10 foot dildo in his arse

    him self

    asnake craling out the tolet updawn frenches arse out her mouth into her cunt flaps out her under crack and licking a sumos knob whos eating wini the poo

  290. Jeff Bezos Says:

    Biffo writing a glowing review of his own book on Amazon.

  291. abuchanx Says:

    A brown trumpet and cock coat of arms.

  292. Steven Rankin Says:

    Hitler, in an Elvis costume, giving birth to an anthropomorphic duck whilst squatting over the grave of a liar on a dark midnight. This event is being filmed by a fat Brazilian man, who is wearing ass-less leather chaps and a stripy jumper, whilst wanking it over a photograph of Terry Wogan.

    Alternatively, a tea party in a ferret’s bungalow.

  293. Fannybaws Says:

    john lesile joining in and videotaping a smurf orgy

  294. Bloodfart Says:

    The ceiling of the Sistene Chapel, but made out of a collage of tiny Goatse pictures.

    Tubgirl, but made out of a collage of tiny Sistene Chapel images.

  295. Furness Says:

    Bamber Boozler giving the Goatse salute

  296. toogood Says:

    just stick with the Knob will ya

  297. Jeccy Says:

    Kremiln Gremlins.

  298. Mellow Says:

    The Bukkake Mona Lisa

  299. andycarper Says:

    A `Motty’ please tanks

  300. George K Says:

    an elephant sodomizing a rabbit

  301. muffrat Says:

    I’m surprised no-one has mentioned the most obvious suggestion - A picture of Tom selleck in drag, bobbing for grenades in an oil drum full of sailor’s cum. It’s what we all want to see.

  302. Maximumpyro Says:

    Draw Rod, Jane & Freddy pointing and laughing at Andi Peters as he rolls down the M1 motorway whilst sellotaped to the Wheel Of Fortune.

  303. Rhino Surprise Says:

    A budgie, battering a policeman. With a vent.

  304. PeteB Says:

    A scene from Willo-the-Wisp.

    A small clearing in Doyley Woods: centremost is Evil Edna (her face overlaid with a classic Digitiser tv-grab) being taken roughly from behind by The Beast (with the face of Mr Biffo).

    As he pulls her antennas, they are being watched from behind a shrub to the left by Mavis Cruet. While she shoves a sticky looking Twit up her twat, Carwash rims her with his sandpaper-like cat’s tongue (his glasses misted up).

    Watching from the other side is The Moog and Arthur who are performing 79 (like 69 but each with a hand up their arse) whilst Willo-the-Wisp cracks one off into The Moogs ear.

    Make sure you get the atmosphere of Doyley Woods right, that could spoil the whole thing.

  305. Chris Jenkins Says:

    My Biffo should draw a picture of the cover of my forthcoming book “Confessions Of An Internet Pervert” which is a collection of chat transcripts where I pretend to be a succession of socially inept men on the internet chatting to LoopyLisa21f with the aim of getting her to say some “really weird stuff”.

  306. Anjin Says:

    A weasel with a hemorrhoid problem

  307. Skeptobot Says:

    Dear Mr Biffo please could you draw for me “The mental processes of the “suit and ties” who canceled CITV’s home grown output.

  308. foofly Says:

    Stephen Fry’s evil twin brother.

  309. jimbo101 Says:

    I’d be dead impressed if Senor Biffo would (or even could) draw us a picture of what he might have looked like if his visit to Chernobyl had gone horrible awry.

  310. Robot Says:

    I would like Mr Biffo to draw ‘Disappointment caused by “Eastenders”‘.

  311. Alex Says:

    A Cadbury’s Creme Egg, being eaten by a creature that is the physical manifestation of hatred. If he were to be asked “how do you eat yours?”, he would make it perfectly clear that he eats his Cadbury’s Creme Egg with a gun.

  312. wasp Box Says:

    Jim Bowen out of Bullseye and Ted Rogers out of 3-2-1 dressed as tuppeny hookers and dragging the disemboweled corpse of Paul Daniels out of Every second counts into an alleyway where we can see Anne Robinson out of Weakest link shoving the severed leg of Les Dawson from Blankety Blanky into her tattered, shit-smeared cunt hole. Meanwhile Jesus is felching mohamed.

  313. Wasp Box Says:

    Barry Manilow has fallen on hard times and has been employed as the keel of a boat. It wasn’t going too badly until one day, sailing through the Indian ocean, an entire pod of dolphins appears and repeatedly rape him in the face.

    The ship’s captain, Inglebert Humperdink looks on shaking his head and fiddling with his nads.

  314. Sonic Joe Says:

    A bear listening to REM

  315. Fannybaws Says:

    nothing

  316. sal Says:

    What you think one of the guys you chatted to online as LoopyLisa looks like in real life

    or, if you feel that’s too mean, a picture of a unicorn or something.

  317. Ro Derek Says:

    A large, slightly camp, lion playing monopoly with a grumpy baboon in a man nappy.

  318. Doctor Jumbo Says:

    I’d like Mr. Biffo to draw troubled, multi-suggestion-haver Wasp Box. I see him as an early 30’s male whose average degree in an oversubscribed subject from an uheralded university has resulted in him holding a poorly paid office job that he believes he’s too good for while accepting that the combination of his lack of courage and proclivity for dawdling on the internet for hours a day almost certainly means he will not achieve more. He converses with his colleagues almost exclusively ironically and struggles to make eye contact with any female between the ages of 12 and 55. When people struggle to understand his odd speech patterns and obscure references, he rolls his eyes then sneers inwardly as if to convince himself he’s really enjoyed confusing that person, to whom he (wrongly) feels superior. He lives with his parents and is embarassed by this. His relationship with them is akin to that of a mouthy but vulnerable 16 year-old. He has typed the word ‘rape’ into a Google image search on more than one occasion. His masturbation-to-sex ratio stands somewhere in the vicinity of 500-1.

    Not that Mr. Biffo should let this affect his creative process of course!

  319. Bendik Almås Says:

    The leader of RIAA getting double teamed by The Pirate Bay leadership and the President of the FCC.

  320. Andrew Hiscocks Says:

    The look on my face when I find out I’ve won this stupid competition but already bought the damn book anyway. On a cock.

  321. Face Says:

    Children sledging downhill very fast on a dead tramp.

    Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  322. justrestingmyeyes Says:

    Despair. “Why must it always be lettuce?”

  323. ChurplePear Says:

    Your bigoted, neighbourhood Spider-Manning.

  324. mishima Says:

    A picture of the greatest and bestest picture in the world.

  325. Filthio Says:

    A massive dead tramp in a skip, at the back of Woolworths. With a nice dress on.

  326. Steven Sawyer Says:

    The Bamboozler doing something bad.

  327. Fannybaws Says:

    I’ve got it.

    A midget nazi riding a dog, and the dog is having a shit

  328. ste Says:

    laurel and hardy

  329. jstokes Says:

    toil and melancholy

  330. backseat bangers backseatbangers Says:

    backseat bangers backseatbangers…

    hottest backseat bangers backseatbangers…

  331. all iternal Says:

    All Internal…

    all internal…