Just been for a cheeky trout in the office bog and spied a book stuffed behind the radiator.
Entitled “Bla Bla 600 Incredibly Useless Facts”, it sounds like the perfect formula for shit-lit: open on any page and there’s something to startle or make you laugh.
(As a quick aside, there’s a litmus test for populist entertainment: is it funny or interesting? It’s no coincidence two of the more popular acronyms on the web are LOL and OMG. LOL = Funny, and OMG = interesting.)
On reading the back-cover, I find I’m reaching for another netism: FFS, these facts are complete nonsense, and anyone who’s read more than two pages of every-ones favourite spoilsports Snopes will recognise this stuff as sub “duck quacks don’t echo” bullshit.
Whilst wiping my shitty arse I briefly fantasise about debunking all 600 “facts”, but of course, I can’t really be bothered. However, I can spend ooh maybe 20 minutes taking the stuff from the cover and testing the rubbishness using the mighty power of the internet.
MARILYN MONROE HAD ONLY SIX TOES ON HER LEFT FOOT
I know this one without Googling, the rumour relates to an early set of photographs in which her feet looked a bit odd, and Snopes calls false.
A GOLDFISH CAN ONLY REMEMBER THE LAST THREE SECONDS OF ITS LIFE
I’ve mostly heard this as 10 seconds, but maybe goldfish are getting stupider. Sounds like pants to me, as survival would get a bit tricky of you forget you were being chased whilst swimming away from a predator. Anyway, according to Wikipedia, “Research by the School of Psychology at the University of Plymouth in 2003 demonstrated that goldfish have a memory-span of at least three months and can distinguish between different shapes, colours and sounds.” Ha. That’s one in the eye for goldfish haters.
ADOLF HITLER HAD ONLY ONE BALL
Another I know without checking, this relates to an uncooborated Russian autopsy that was probably published for propaganda purposes. Am I right? Am I? Straight Dope is calling it bollocks. (Did you see what I did there? I used the word ‘bollocks’ to refute a story about testicles. Yay me.)
EVERY YEAR, MORE PEOPLE GET KILLED BY DONKEYS THAN PLANE CRASHES
Hmm. This is hardly comparing like with like. Snopes calls it as a urban myth, but best of all is the rabidly pro-donkey site Love Long Ears which passionately pleas, “Help us to dispel this awful rumour-mill factoid – it’s not true, it’s bunk, treat it as such. Please don’t let this statement stop you from getting a donkey or any other animal if you wish to own one!”
GEORGE WASHINGTON GREW MARIJUANA IN HIS BACKYARD
Possibly true, but it sounds like a misrepresentation of the facts. The hemp plant has been widely cultivated around the world for food and making rope. To call this crop marijuana is to emphasise the psychoactive properties of the plant. Wikiquote reports Washington as having said, “Make the most of the Indian hemp seed, and sow it everywhere!” but I find no reputable source that suggests George was a stoner.
Ok, that’s five facts from the back page. Four were complete horse-shit whilst one was written to deceive. That gives Bla Bla a score of 90% toss-monkey. Don’t buy the book, burn it.
I also should say thanks to Simon from The Pineapple for allowing me to film and annoy his regulars on a quiet Wednesday afternoon, and props to Rob Wakefield for making some very useful suggestions and listening to me prattle on about different versions of this project for a few weeks. HUZZAH.
I’ve been fiddling about turning my old flash stuff into videos so I can upload nice clean copies to the video sharing sites. Why? Because people are uploading my work anyway, and making it look rubbish by not encoding it properly.
You can get the complete list here, well not exactly complete but enough to be getting on with anyway.
Feel free to embed, or whatever you kids do with your upload codes these days.
Not quite sure what to make of this – Emvee, one of the B3ta boarders – has been spending his time making a series of cartoons based upon me.
I’m sort of flattered, and slightly alarmed that many of the biographical details are almost correct (I did work for Emap, I do visit The Pineapple etc.)
And in the interests of self publicity he’s emailed B3ta and asked us to help him pimp it, and so, your challenge is this:
What would you like Mr Biffo to draw?
The most amusing five suggestions will be drawn by the fair – if not girly – hand of Biffo, inside his book and sent to YOU. Yes, to YOU, dear reader.
Add your suggestions to the comments below. Well, if you fancy getting a copy of the book that is. If not, then quietly go on your way.
WINNERS ANNOUNCED
The horrified face of Gordon Brown as he sits down at the big desk for his first day as PM, only to find a big poo in the PM’s private pencil case. (mrdirtylegs)
Pirates milking a giraffe. (Zo)
The Greatest Game Ever Played. (Digeridude)
A shortened Bayeux Tapestry with a naked Harold. (Kelly)
A brand new knife and wife thing. (doveston)
So thanks to everyone who made suggestions, and to Mr Biffo for being a good sport. Books will be winging their way to the winners shortly.
I walked by my-self like a rain thing
that flys on high over up-side-down mountain and mountain
When all at once I saw many people
A group, of gold plants;
Be-side the round ground water, under the trees
moving in the wind
Ok, that’s your starter for ten. Can YOU re-write a famous poem or song? Go on, give it a go and add it to the comments.
Just a quick observation – I was just looking at YouTube and as I clicked onto another page, a banner ad caught my eye.
It was something to do with a Cadburys Creme Egg user group. I was curious because a few years ago, I pitched for a job for them (rejected pitch here), and I’m wondering what they are up to.
Anyways, so I hit the back button and the page displays a different ad.
This strikes me as ironic, as about the the first time in years I actually wanted to click on a banner ad, I couldn’t.
Surely the web should work better than this by now? If a bit of content is on a page, then it should stay on the page?
Yes, I know I can use Google to find the page, but that’s not the point.
Haven’t made an either/or quiz in three years or so, so I thought – like a dog returns to his vomit – I’d have another go.
As this is my blog, rather than the B3ta Newsletter, I’ll give you some geeky background that I wouldn’t normally bore people with as no one gives a shit.
I’ve rejigged the javascript back-end so that one bit of code now controls all the either/or games such as Female or Shemale and Man milk or Moo Milk.
The code no supports image reveals. Not that essential in Tranny or Granny, but might be useful in the future.
New layout – using the width of the screen rather than a big scroll.
Spent a fair bit of time making the backing music. Found that Garageband is bloody awesome. It allows me to make quick music ideas without fighting the technology.
Four years ago, Lastminute.com asked me to make a song and animation for promotional purposes. The chappy who commissioned me was Carl Lyons, and the project (executed with Jonti Picking) was Disco Squirrels.
Carl recently got in touch and asked if I could do something similar. He’s now part of Truphone, a company that supplies a service to allow free VOIP calls on wireless enabled mobile phones. And that’s a mouthful.
Of course I’m happy to oblige. This time I dragged in Joel Veitch and Ed Snow and we produced this:
RIP ROB MANUEL. I'll be taking kittens to his funeral. I love his Weebl & Bob stuff #riprobmanuel6 hours ago
I so don't trust the trending list these days that I see "RIP Eddie Murphy" and I assume someone has written a dickheady tweet and he's fine 6 hours ago
