10 Reasons Modern Keyboards are Shit
Photo for illustration purposes only, this ain’t my nasty skanky-ho keyboard
Hi, I’m Rob Manuel and I’ve got a problem with keyboards. A big fucking problem. I can bore for hours on the subject, and so in the small hope that the magic of the internet will get my message to keyboard designers, here’s my rant. Hold onto your hat, it’s going to be a rough ride.
1. Numlock
What is the fucking point of numlock? Why would I ever want to use the numeric keypad as a cursor? Yes I imagine it’s some kind of gay backwards compatibility thing, but it’s just a pain in the arse. The only time I ever press it is by accident and then wonder why the number keys have stopped working.
2. Capslock
Apparently capslock was considered quite useful on typewriters. Probably because TYPING IN CAPS WAS THE ONLY WAY TO DO EMPHASIS. But we have bold now, and the only people who type in caps are the modern green-inkers who send me loony emails about their cats.
Again, it’s a key I press only by accident, normally when filling in a username / password thing, and using tab to change the form focus, missing and end-up adding robmanuelBADGERSEX to the auto-complete. Gah.
Although recently I have found a setting in the control panel to disable the damn thing. Which made me as happy as a pig in shit.
3. Multimedia keys
All those fucking keys at the top of the keyboard. They’re never built like proper keys and always look shoddy and plasticy.
But my problem is more than aesthetics. It’s standardisation. Every last damn keyboard manufacturer has a different idea of what these keys should be doing.
Hence I don’t bother using them as I swap machines a lot between home and offices and don’t want to have conflicting and non-standard keyboard information in my brain. I don’t want to on another PC and automatically stabbing the messenger button, to find it’s opened some shitty sales portal.
And the corporate ego of it all! My old HP keyboard had a internet button that opened the bloody hp.com homepage. What use is that to man or beast? I’ve already bought an HP computer; I don’t need to buy a second.
4. US keyboards
Oh jesus pillocking shit. Who thought it was a good idea to make English and American keyboards different. We speak the same bloody language for gods sake. It’s not like we need a load of twirly umlauts on the keys. The crucial and mind-boggling shit variation is the enter key. On the UK version is nice and large and shaped like an upside down Tetris L brick. The shape is distinctive to the touch and you can easily find it by feel in poor light conditions.
In USA the key is roughly the same shape as the backspace key, with the saved space being used for the backslash / pipe key. Duh, now that’s a brilliant idea isn’t it? Because normal PC operation uses those characters all the time. Probably a hang-over from DOS when your computer was controlled by an arcane series of cryptic symbols. Or small donkeys, I forget now.
5. Colour
Why colour a keyboard cream? Because the manufactures want it to get dirty and you have to buy a new one every three months? Wired magazine once memorably described the gunk as “keyboard plaque”, but the state of some keyboards I’ve seen, it’s more like “keyboard AIDS.” There should be a law that makes all keyboards black. Well, unless you’re a Steve Jobs acolyte and think white keyboards where every bastard button looks like the other is a good idea.
6. Volume control mute
Now, the volume control is one of the few keyboard advancements of recent years that’s a good idea. Using a PC has become a noisy activity, but sometimes you need to answer the phone and being able to quickly hit mute without fiddling with the mouse rocks.
But the small problem is that the mute key often works after the PC is fully booted, meaning that the system “whoosh” noise will play regardless.
Which means using my laptop late at night can wake my family. I’ve taken to keeping an old pair of broken headphones handy so that I can push the jack into the speaker socket and re-route the nasty noises.
7. Sleep button
I’m highly suspicious of the sleep button. In principle it’s great, but I had such a bad experience with the sleep mode crashing the PC and losing my work that I don’t trust it. At least on the recent Microsoft keyboards it’s in the far right corner and difficult to hit by accident. On my old HP keyboard it was place just above the ESC key and I’d hit it when trying to stop a webpage loading, and then go “Argh! My PC is going to die! Don’t die, little computer.”
8. Non-standard insert block
The Microsoft keyboard design team are clearly back on the crack pipe. First they made the insane “natural” keyboard that split the keyboard into two chunks for touch typists. And secondly they’ve recently re-designed the insert block.
Why? All it means is I’m constantly pressing the wrong keys when I try and navigate documents via pagedown and home keys.
I’m sure they did some lovely usability study and worked out it was more efficient or something, but for fucks sake, don’t muck with the standards. I know how to use the old one and don’t want to learn a new one. Haven’t you learnt anything from those crappy Dvorak keyboards that attempted to persuade people to abandon qwerty?
9. Legs
What is the point of giving a keyboard legs? Yes keyboards are more pleasant to type on with a small tilt, so why not simply make the keyboard shaped like a wedge of cheese? It’s a particular sore point for me as I’ve thrown away perfectly good keyboards after accidentally snapping one of the pathetic spindly plastic legs.
10. Function keys
Grr. Another Microsoft “innovation.” On recent keyboards they’ve move the function keys from blocks of four to blocks of three. I can see what they’re trying to achieve here. Visually three is a better shape to help aid the memory: something is either on the left, the middle or the right. However, again this move away from standards results in me pressing the wrong key. For example I regularly press F5 to refresh an internet page, which my brain has hard-wired to know it’s the first key of the second block. Microsoft has moved it to the second key of the second block, hence I now keep keep pressing F4 and wonder why nothing is happening.
… 2 Bonus reasons, there’s no stopping now …
11. F Lock
Oh damn your eyes Microsoft. Is nothing sacred any more? You’re taking my function keys and replacing them with some bollocks about “New, Open and Close”? Ok, the F Lock turns all this off and it stays off which in theory is fine. Except they’ve made the (rather useful for screen grabs) PrtScn key only work whilst F Lock is off. Hence to grab a screen now I have to press three keys instead of one. Nice one, you bunch of keyboard bastards.
12. Wireless
What’s this obsession with making everything wireless? Yes having your laptop connecting to the internet whilst you take a dump in the bog is one of the marvels of the technological age. However we don’t need wireless keyboards on the desktop. I recently was nosing around PC world and except for a shitty £5.00 made of crap thing, that’s all they were selling.
For fucks sake. It’s not an innovation to stick batteries in a keyboard. It’s a pain in the anus. I don’t want to stop typing because my keyboard is out of batteries, it’s just fucking insane.
End bit
Now that I’ve ranted, I really do feel much better. Carry on, as you were. Or why not look on Flickr for some kittens?
UPDATE - Hello to the Digg / Fark readers, and the other blogs linking my rant. BTW: I’ve got a book out, and it’s very rude.
November 28th, 2006 at 4:23 am
You neglected to mention the insert button, the second shift key and that silly one that opens menus as though you’d right clicked.
Why, just…….why? It’s a waste of plastic that could be used to make rubber bullets for the quelling of the lower class uprising.
And WHY would anyone short of the emperor of Rome insist on having not one but TWO windows keys?
November 28th, 2006 at 4:55 am
They should make the f5 key twice the size! And something that annoys me about wireless keyboards (at least this one): no light for capslock/numlock - at least on normal ones you catch sight of it out of the corner of your eye if you accidentally press it (well, you do if you’re a mongoloid two-finger keyboard starer like me!)
Your spell-check button is obviously missing too…
November 28th, 2006 at 10:36 am
You also missed out the fscking Windows key. Snugly nestled between two FPS-friendly buttons, it lurks, waiting for you to hit it and mimimise your game. By the time you’ve got back into the game, everyone and their mother has taken the time to shoot you in the head. Repeatedly.
November 28th, 2006 at 1:03 pm
And why aren’t there cut, copy, paste and undo keys yet? These are things I do all the time; I have never had to lock my scroll.
November 28th, 2006 at 4:39 pm
“I’ve taken to keeping an old pair of broken headphones handy so that I can push the jack into the speaker socket and re-route the nasty noises.”
Believe it or not, the new MacBook Pros don’t even let you do this - the switching-off-the-speakers-when-headphones-are-plugged-in function is handled by the software. I have to revert to placing a hand over each speaker, which doesn’t really work.
November 28th, 2006 at 9:44 pm
From the startup noise thing and spare headphones I’m guessing you’re using a MacBook like me. Yes, it’s the one stupid feature of the otherwise great thing, especially embarrassing when booting up in the Quiet Carriage of the train.
I’ve also just noticed my MacBook has a button which gives me § or ± with shift. What the fuck?!
I did once decide to deal with this all and reprogrammed my work keyboard to give me cut, copy and paste instead of three of the useless keys, but then I’d go and press Sleep or something equally idiotic on somebody else’s keyboard.
Bloody input devices. I blame Microsoft - have you seen the shut down menu of Windows Vista? Ten different ways to turn the bloody computer off. I remember the good old days when the was a switch on the computer, OFF or ON. Obviously not user friendly enough for some.
November 29th, 2006 at 8:38 pm
Scroll Lock. I don’t know what it does. It just turns on a light on my keyboard. Fucking stupid pointless button.
November 30th, 2006 at 4:23 pm
Yeknom,
the Insert key is awful and gets in the way of typing all the time. The windows key is the enemy of gaming.
But the two shift keys are to allow for lefties as well, and the properties key is tremendously handy, depending on what type of console access to your servers you have, it can be a real boon to navigate explorer and be able to right-click without having to use those awful laptop style controls…
December 1st, 2006 at 6:05 pm
They can keep the numlock key - it’s very useful for those “has my computer just crashed?” moments, as long as all it does it turn the numlock light on and off.
Oh, and what’s Pause/Break for?
December 1st, 2006 at 6:06 pm
RE: Number 6.
Can’t you just trun off your startup sound?
December 1st, 2006 at 6:14 pm
the top left key that gives you `¦¬ symbols. Why? what are they for?
I know they were used around 1975, but not any more. And I agree compelte with cPS LOCK - SEE WHt it mDE ME DO????
December 1st, 2006 at 6:14 pm
gaps between the keys.
why are they there?
all the gaps do is collect gunk and spillages, shortening the life of the keys and thus the board they are attached to.
mind the gap. as they say underground a lot.
December 1st, 2006 at 6:24 pm
My Mac keyboard is all black thanks, with white numbers/letters, so it never looks dirty. That split keyboard at the top of your rant is a disgrace!
The best thing on my keyboard is the forward delete key which was inexplicably missing from the original poxy standard Mac keyboard.
And if you think swapping betwen a US/UK keyboard can be annoying, you ought to try replying to your email in a Moroccan internet cafe.
The last one I tried had arabic dots and squiggles all over the place, with the Roman letters in French AZERTY layout. Just finding the @ and ! was a nightmare!
PNB
December 1st, 2006 at 6:25 pm
What really pisses me off is having to hit two keys just to type an @ - clearly @ had no real point when keyboards were first invented - but @ is f@@king useful these days (if you have any friends)
December 1st, 2006 at 6:26 pm
what’s with the Pause / Break key then ?
what does that do ?
December 1st, 2006 at 6:26 pm
My personal hate, which could have got me fired was that damned F-lock! Why would new and F4 want to share the same key?? Upon a less than recomended URL click I get a rather nasty pop up, followed by another! Right! I think, we’ve all trained for this, start hammering alt-F4!! Going strong but loosing the battle, argh!! Why? Because the sodding f-lock key is off and I’m hitting new!
December 1st, 2006 at 6:27 pm
Can you not just turn off the windows start sound in the control panel? or have you one of those odd mac things that does its own thing regardless of what you set it to do. Oh and i like my most recent keyboard, a Saitek Eclipse illuminated one. no stupid buttons, no sleep button just normal keys. ’tis magic
December 1st, 2006 at 6:36 pm
Pause/Break is actually occasionally useful, especially if you want to be able to read any of the text at your POST screen before it flashes by like a mayfly on speed and you get the Windows startup bollocks. Handy for diagnosing bootup problems.
December 1st, 2006 at 6:39 pm
Finally someone talks about Microsoft changing around the insert block keys. Bloody annoying and it true sheep like fashion, everyone else is joining in.
December 1st, 2006 at 6:45 pm
I took my shitty, white, wireless keyboard into the next office and sprayed some fizzy cleaner onto the keys to get the shite off them. It cleaned up great but when I went back to me desk the screen had gone bleeding mad. The bastard thing had still been connected up and I’d scrambled me telly up. Dozens of programmes were open and all sorts of shite on the screen. The last thing I had a massive problem getting rid of was that I’d pressed the Ctrl Alt and Arrow Down keys at the same time. It turned the whole bastard thing upside down so I had to surf nerd sites with the telly turned upside down to fing out how to un-bugger it
December 1st, 2006 at 7:27 pm
I agree on most of this, but I for one (as a frequent user of the backslash/pipe key) hate the Tetris-block-shaped Enter key — it makes me type a backslash when I want to press Backspace or Shift (depending on where the backslash/pipe key was relocated to).
Also, how about the silly staggered arrangement, where Q is above and just a bit to the right of A? (This is a throwback to the manual typewriter days, when each key was on the end of a lever.)
December 1st, 2006 at 7:44 pm
I use the Wireless Desktop Pro, which is a split keyboard. It is black, and I like the keyboard split, but I also, friggin hate that stupid F-Lock BS!
And have you ever tried using a non staggered Qwerty keyboard, you get hand cramps like something chronic!
For others, turn on scroll lock, open excel, and use your cursor keys. You scroll the page without moving your cell.
Pause key is useful if you hit Windows-Key Pause (unless you need to turn off F-Lock first
December 1st, 2006 at 7:50 pm
Wireless?!?!!? Wireless keyboards???? What is this problem with wires? Are they trying to appeal to the female market with all this TIDINESS? They are just trying to fill the air with as much electromagnetic gobbledygook as they can in a vain attempt to fry our brains. Thus fried we will happily walk in Pissy Werld brandishing our credit cards with a much reduced abandon. It’s a trap. Get with your colander helmets, lads!
December 1st, 2006 at 8:06 pm
The caps lock light on the newer Apple keyboards is impossible to see unless your eyes are hovering right above it. And they suffer greatly from keyboard plaque. They sure can take it, though. Mine has taken punches that would have disintigrated the average PC keyboard.
Yuck! Maybe I should clean my keyboard.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:17 pm
The Num Lock key is some kind of gay backwards compatibility thing?
December 1st, 2006 at 8:24 pm
Interestingly when IBM originally designed the PC keyboard, the Caps Lock key and the Control key were swapped round. This makes complete sense. Think about how often you use the Control key (for copy, paste, etc) over the Caps Lock key.
To all the peoples commenting about useless keys - they aren’t useless for everyone! For all those who write query’s for MySQL will be aware of the use of the ` key. Likewise while doing work using hyper terminal, the Scroll Lock key came in great use. However the only problem with said key on my laptop keyboard is due to most people not using it, it’s part of the F11 key that can only be accessed by trying to press Fn.
Likewise, the context menu button is useful in word processors when working on laptops (quick and easy way of changing the spelling of words without having to use the mouse) if you suffer from severe spelling problems like me!
Anyway I do hate how Microsoft changes their keyboard designs on every new model. The best keyboard I have (save for proper Leaf Switch keyboards) is the second generation natural keyboard (as in the picture at the top). Its so good, after 4 years, I still clean it out every year or so by removing every key and electronics then scrub each individual piece of plastic.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:26 pm
too right!
my keyboard has a shutdown button, right next to the print screen!
sometimes, while working on graphics, i do a screen grab, and i would shut my pc down before i saved a file! all my work, vanished!
a pair of pliers fixed that… pried the bastard right out
its like having a self destruct button next to the enter key!
whoever designed my keyboard should be shot without ceremony, buried, dug up and shot again!
December 1st, 2006 at 8:28 pm
Backing you up all the way teedyay. Cut copy + paste buttons are somewhat essentials. Surely they could be added under the insert block.
Scroll lock, numlock and caps lock are also never used.
As for the white keys. I took the liberty of removing all the keys from my keyboards and spray painting them different colours depending on their location. All in all a much more visually pleasing peice of typing equipment.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:33 pm
Stop bashing Scroll Lock - I actually use it occasionally!
If you’re in Linux with the graphics turned off it stops the text from scrolling past your eyes too fast to read. Of course. Although why a keyboard designed for Windows (it has the Windows logo twice) should need Scroll Lock, which does absolutely *nothing* in Windows, I will never know.
And I still dn’t know what Pause/Break is for…
Also, I’d like to add my annoyance: Esc and NumPadEnter right at the corners (especially on those fancy new Dell keyboards with no borders). Far too easy to knock accidentally, and they both do things in MSN that you wouldn’t want done without your permission.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:34 pm
Yeah, KB’s are pretty shitty. I took to popping out all the crappy ones which I kept hitting by accident. Totally agree about the Num/Caps lock buttons. Used to work with a guy who did use the num pad cursor thingy. it used to fuck everybody in the office up.
I have to sing in praise of my current keyboard though, it has 2 usb ports on the back. This saves me having to get off my arse to plug in cameras or whatever. This is clearly a good thing.
sgree about the sleep button too. Half the time it used to just crash the pc.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:35 pm
“Except they’ve made the (rather useful for screen grabs) PrtScn key only work whilst F Lock is off. Hence to grab a screen now I have to press three keys instead of one. Nice one, you bunch of keyboard bastards.”
Maybe I’ll be able to take screenshots again!…Nope. Bastards. Not sure I even have an F-lock?
December 1st, 2006 at 8:37 pm
Numlock? It’s there for those of us who use Citrix to hack us off when it decides to switch itself off on a whim. Want to type a number? You can’t! move up three spaces!
Capslock? Great for those who don’t know what the shift key can do.
Multimedia Keys? So newfangled dojamadigs for the 1990s. I have a mouse to do what I want. It works.
US Keyboards? OK, there’s a reason for this, but who cares. You can use Wikipedia if you wanted to. The idea sucks, and I want to see an ISO for keyboards sharpish.
Colour? Keyboards are cream so you can’t see your own semen. You know I’m right.
Volume control? I think you’ll find you problem is from your PC, not your keyboard…
Sleep Button? Meh. Really.
Non-standard insert block? What? I mean… what the fuck?
Legs? Well… yesm they are annoying actually. Just make the damn thing ergonomic.
Function Keys? Crap in 1980, crap today.
F Lock? Bloody hell, just buy a PC Line jobbie
Wireless? Do you not remember you wired office space?
December 1st, 2006 at 8:51 pm
You’ve forgotten the single greatest problem of all, the insert key. Seriously, it’s the worst idea ever. And that key which seems to have three symbols on which is only ever used for smilies.
And also, the lack of any easy way of doing non-standard characters. Occasionally I need to put in an umlaut or an accent or one of those little curly things that you occasionally find in French (but only in one English word that I’ve found so far…) or … hell … even a Euro sign. But do most keyboards have those? No.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:56 pm
Whoever wanted to know what the “Scroll Lock” key was for? Read this: http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mscrolllock.html. As you’ll see, it’s useful for absolutely nothing in today’s world.
And on the Pause/Break key, if you press that with the Windows key you open the System Properties, which is pretty useful.
December 1st, 2006 at 9:36 pm
I’ll not hear a word said about the little leggies and the natural keyboard.
I have bastard, bastard bad RSI (from working as a painter and decorator to pay my way at Uni) and those two things make a huge difference. Being able to alter the height of a keyboard helps keep my wrists straight, and the split keyboard is much more comfy.
In fact, I’ve gone so far as to use this.
http://www.backinaction.co.uk/goldtouch-split-keyboard
Its like a comfy bath of joy for my forearms.
And if that’s not ripe for photoshopping, I don’t know what is.
December 1st, 2006 at 9:38 pm
But wait - there’s more …. what about the fact that Microsoft, the chaps who brought you word, have completely ignored the F-key bindings they spent BLOODY AGES getting into my brain.
F7 is for spelling.
Unless F lock is off. In which case it’s F10.
(… and the rest. Deep breath.)
December 1st, 2006 at 9:45 pm
““I’ve taken to keeping an old pair of broken headphones handy so that I can push the jack into the speaker socket and re-route the nasty noises.”
The jack is the socket.
December 1st, 2006 at 9:48 pm
I use Pause/Break all the time for work - running a model - where Ctrl + Break lets me stop it early. And it stops Matlab when it’s gone mental and is using all the computer’s memory.
December 1st, 2006 at 10:09 pm
I had same problem as Jeff - a power button right next to the enter key.. so whenever I was typing fast and my finger slipped off, I’d turn the comp off and lose everything. Was even worse when I was drunk!
So I took the keyboard apart and took the button out. Got a big hole in the keyboard now, but least it doesnt keep falling asleep
December 1st, 2006 at 10:33 pm
We Finns (and many others I suppose) not only have the useless § key, but instead of $ or € Shift-4 on our keyboards generates the ever-so-useful ¤ character. Wikipedia says you use ¤ when your font lacks the symbol for a currency such as the Colón or the Rupee, which I’m sure is a dire problem that must have come up once or twice during the twenty (or whatever) years we have had the symbol on our keyboards. Sheesh.
December 1st, 2006 at 10:52 pm
Non-standard characters? Just learn the Alt+ASCII codes, you muppets. What, you want it handed to you on a plate?
Pause/Break? Press Windows+Pause/Break. Watch the System control panel applet appear. Woooo! Working on the command line? Press Ctrl+Break to try to stop whatever it is you’re doing. Yes, I know most of you lot don’t even know what the command line is, never mind interact with it. But don’t you worry your pretty little heads about it; your friendly sysadmins spend most of their time there. Well, they do if they’re proper sysadmins, not those paper MCSE poofs.
Keyboard volume control? Get a laptop with hardware volume control, whether by button or by dial.
Wireless keyboards? Agreed: what is the bleedin’ point? I can pick up half-a-dozen access points scattered through the block of flats where I live; do I really want to trust that I don’t have a ne’er-do-well neighbour who fancies sniffing my keyboard data? No thanks.
As I type this I’m looking at a beautiful purple glow from my keyboard, which I can change to blue or red at the touch of a button. Who needs usability when it looks this good?
December 2nd, 2006 at 12:08 am
Worse than simple F-lock is F-lock that insists on turning the F-keys off every bloody time you boot!
ALT-F4 is not supposed to open the control panel! :@:@:@
This isn’t a major issue, but it still ires me, and hasn’t been mentioned: who exactly designed the little -_+= keys beside the backspace button? One press for a minus, but two for a plus?
Is there anything to be said for Alt Gray? As far as I’m aware, it does nothing but give you a Euro € when pressed with 4, or sleepy smiley eyes ¦ with the crap one up by 1 - isn’t this a pretty pathetic cousin of alt and control?
December 2nd, 2006 at 12:23 am
The CAPSLOCK is +/- mandatory in engineering & architecture when producing drawings in CAD, or one of its add-ons. It is actually required in many jurisdictions for contract drawings that all notes and text appearing on drawings be caps only. But unless you’re in or near the field you wouldn’t know.
December 2nd, 2006 at 12:47 am
The ‘Pause Break’ key is handy when programming; the ¬`¦ key is a bit of a mystery, but surely as it’s out of the way doesn’t really matter, and at least most new keyboards have the | and ¦ symbols the correct way around now. Both shift keys are required as the proper way of typing says that you should use the other shift key from the hand you are typing with (so for an A you use the right shift key, for a I you use the left - in that sentence, I used the left both times; now it’s all three times). The context menu button is handy when your mouse decides that it doesn’t want to work anymore and you need to close down stuff in the system tray or whatever.
Now, the Num Lock, Caps Lock, and Scroll Lock buttons are a mystery (I know I’ve said that twice, but never mind). If I want to type all in caps, I just hold my finger down on the Shift key, but I never seem to accidentally hit it like other people do. Besides, a thing comes up on my monitor when one of those three goes on or off.
Wireless keyboards: waste of money. Why would your keyboard be that far away from your computer? Wireless mouses: waste of money. A friend of mine had two, and neither of them worked properly. The only problem with nonwireless mouses is that the cable is never long enough…
The F-Lock key is a pain in the arse. Thankfully my own keyboard doesn’t have them. The thing I wonder about is that the commands MS have given these F-keys aren’t what the F-key does normally. Can’t remember them off hand, but, for instance (and probably wrong), ‘F1′ creates a document, when the real F1 brings up the help. What’s wrong with Ctrl+N anyway?
The worst keyboard I ever worked was one at college, where an ‘off’ button was located above the Pause Break key, which were themselves located slightly lower than usual, in the gap between them and the page up key, which meant that the Off button was where the Pause Break key is usually. Now, as I was doing programming at college, I ended up stuck in my program, and needed to use the PB key to return to the code. You can guess what happened, and I don’t save my work often…
My particular keyboard has nine Internet buttons which is a great idea. I don’t use them because if I want to go to a specific webpage, I just type the address in, which is something not all the users of this computer can do. The only problem is that the buttons only work with Internet Explorer, which I’ve taken off this computer as best I can. The Media buttons are good, except that they don’t work with iTunes, but I seldom use that anyway which makes it even more annoying. There’s also a scroll wheel on the side which I find quite pointless. In fact, until now I didn’t know what it did - it made the text larger and smaller.
As for the dirtyness thing of having a white keyboard, I just shove it in the dishwasher every few months or so (obviously I take the circuitry out first. That’s not the kind of mistake you make twice.)
I’ve gone on a bit. In fact, this comment is probably longer than the original post. Never mind.
December 2nd, 2006 at 1:07 am
If you want copy, paste etc. keys you need a Sun workstation keyboard. I love my work keyboard, it also includes open and front keys which make working with loads of windows on screen an absolute joy.
December 2nd, 2006 at 1:15 am
Hey fucktards:
The mute-volume control will mute the startup sound (at least on Macs) if you hold it down while it starts up. They even tell you this in the documentation. And don’t even try to bitch about you not having time for that, you’re already waiting for the machine to start up.
December 2nd, 2006 at 1:26 am
Putting the Fn key on one side and the keys that it can be used with on the other side. This is just sadistic.
December 2nd, 2006 at 2:09 am
I agree with battries keyboards, they are EVILS. The only point is to sell batteries.
Ok I once had a multimedia keyboard and it was wireless, it was quite fun to kind of use it like a 5ft range working remote, but hey, now that I have a media center remote controll, what’s the use ? Anyway, a beer 3.25$ killed that 125$ keyboard what waste of money.
December 2nd, 2006 at 2:26 am
I’m using a 20-year-old, 101-key IBM Selectric-Touch Keyboard — aka “Model M”. It’s a classic’ ;oved by computer geeks, everywhere. It’s wonderful. Nice hard touch. (I learned to type on a manual typewriter, so I always make typos and erros on quiet-touch keyboards.) No stupid Windows keys. No extra keys at all — just the standard layout we’ve all come to know. I have several of them. I love them all.
PHOTO:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/57/ModelM.jpg/800px-ModelM.jpg
HISTORY:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Model_M
Fwiw, I’ve never used the Scroll Lock or Pause/Break key. And what does “SysrQ” on the Print Screen key do?
December 2nd, 2006 at 2:51 am
Just thought i’d offer some balanced responses to two of your points;
4 - US Keyboards
Now i’ve just recently got myself a US model diNovo keyboard off eBay, and i’ll admit that it is pretty fucked to have different symbols and all these changes and shit, even if it’s not that hard to remember, especially since i’m not half bad at touch-typing personally. I still find it pretty insulting that in their own shift-keys system, they can press two keys to get a $ but not to get a £, even though us brits are all in favour of currency equality! Although on that point - has anybody ACTUALLY figured out how the fuck they’re supposed to be able to type the Euro symbol on a UK keyboard?!
Anyway, I can still credit my US model keyboard for NOT having a bigger enter key. Maybe this is purely a convenience of the diNovo keyboard, but i particularly LIKE the fact that i’m not gonna hit the backspace key by mistake. Also, this model has a different position for the Insert key, which i’m also happy with because, as you mention, pressing it by accident and then typing over part of a document without realising it can really get on your tits.
But i digress.
12 - Wireless
Well, it’s the big thing now really, so how can you argue with it? Personally yeah, if i had a nice huge mahogany News at Ten-style desk to work (read as ’surf for pr0n’) with, then i’m sure i wouldn’t want to take my chances with a keyboard and mouse that are so easy for burglars to nick. On the other hand, it’s worth mentioning that I bought this new keyboard in the first place because my old wireless one was buggered. It used to cross signals with my mother’s of the same model, even though hers is at least 10ft away downstairs! Then it went on to just having screwy connections. Lately, before it become completely defunct, it opted for typing random crap and trying to do things with my applications, just from sending random signals. But this wasn’t low batteries, oh no. In fact, i’d been through countless pairs of batteries already to keep that piece of shite running long enough. It was in fact the way the battery contacts were designed - specifically the positive contact, which Logitech engineers for some reason decided would be great if it resembled little more than some lame bent paperclip. Needless to say, the circuitry of the keyboard et al lasted about as long as it could.
Things i now enjoy about my diNovo;
- Encrypted signal, so no more getting confused with other devices in the house!
- Seperate number pad, which has extra functions though i don’t need to use it most of the time, which definitely saves space while i use the relatively smaller main keyboard.
- SUBTLE extra buttons. F-lock is next to Esc. All the other functions are put in handy places on the corners of the keyboard, which doesn’t interfere or cause me problems at all.
- It’s both light AND responsive! I can even hold it on one arm!
- So far it’s proven to be a useful piece of kit and, more importantly, it’s not my old one.
Speaking of which, i intend to use the old one for a couple of pieces in my Fine Art projects for my HNC. Copying from an idea that an old friend did (although his motive was sheerly fun!), I intend to film myself smashing the keyboard until every single key has fallen out (as per Rob’s image at the top of the page). But, through the miracle of superglue, one key shall remain - F1. Which of course, in Windows means;
“HELP!”
:-P
December 2nd, 2006 at 2:55 am
Sorry, the point i ommited to mention in that essay back there was - I need a wireless keyboard and mouse because i DON’T work at a desk in my room. I work from my bed ;-P
Yours blatantly,
- Drewyd
December 2nd, 2006 at 4:11 am
It’s time we started to mobilize our rants and raves people.. I’m a programmer of 15 years, former FPS gamer (keyboards were part of the reason I stopped) and basically an all-around computer user since I was 4 years old on my wee Atari 800XL. Someone has to have the will to tell these bastards what we really want; a good old comfortable keyboard that doesn’t mash our fingers together, make it impossible to locate keys, or end up screwing us over with extranneous crap keys like “Sleep” or “Menu”.
Honestly, on every keyboard I use I have physically disabled the Insert key. It has never been used by me, ever. I remap Caps Lock to tab, so it doesn’t matter which button I hit. I do the same trick for other keys, like that horrible american placement of the backslash/pipe key above Enter. God, I miss my wonderful ergo AT-style keyboard. Loud as a freight train when I was typing at 100WPM but at least I could work with that thing.. now I can’t even plug it into a modern machine without some corny-looking dongle.
December 2nd, 2006 at 4:11 am
Annoyances: at work, I type in a lot of figures. So why-oh-why isn’t there a comma key on the numeric keypad? The only computer with the foresight to include this was the, er, BBC Master…
Other annoyances: on Macs, why do I have to press Opt-3 go get a hash (#) character? If I was a programmer, this would be bloody annoying. I can solve this by getting a US-sold Mac, but then the pound character (£) would be relegated to Opt-3. Grr. And how do I clean this keyboard? White, with transparent bits, it currently contains nearly four years of collected shite. Well, not literal shite… I think…
December 2nd, 2006 at 5:55 am
I guess I just dont know the uber almight mac. But in windows based machines, you can just go in and turn off the startup / shutdown / or event all sound events. Or you can choose other sound based themes to cover any sound alert message.
I guess theres one thing for the PC
December 2nd, 2006 at 6:47 am
I fucking hate keyboards with 3 Windows keys. There’s no excuse for having more than one. Futhermore, the windows keys tend to be positioned so that they’re way too easy to hit during gaming, bumping you out of the game and to the desktop while your character gets killed.
December 2nd, 2006 at 7:26 am
Back in the System 7 days and before, F1-F4 mapped to the Edit menu controls: Undo, Cut, Copy, Paste. Damn useful. And I’ve got to say, the absolute best keyboard I’ve ever used is my Apple Extended Keyboard, which I currently have hooked up to 2 PCs via an ADB-USB adapter and a KVAM switch. It’s even got an = key on the numpad, tho that doesn’t work in Windows. I’m kinda curious what the power button will do if I press that. Haven’t tried it yet.
December 2nd, 2006 at 10:53 am
Very good points. I think the insert key should be added though. Its fucking pointless.
You can disable to start up and shut down noises you know.
Start / Settings / Control Panel / Sounds and Audio Devices / Sounds Table / under program events find find the name Start WIndows and select None under sounds, aply all, ok and restart.
Or
[HKEY_CURRENT_USER\AppEvents\Schemes\Apps\.Default\SystemStart\.Current]
@=hex(2):00,00
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:26 am
To all of you who hate the sleep key on the keyboard, I can go one better.
Just below the delete key, about 4mm below it, on this keyboard I have a power key. That’s right, everytime I delete something without paying attention I run the risk of shutting down my whole computer. One little slip and “Oops! I hope you saved those recent changes to your work, because nothing’s stopping it from being lost now!” If this keyboard wasn’t black, wired, had F-lock and was more than £8 I would have returned it.
Also, what the hell is the use of sticky keys? Hold shift for a few seconds and suddenly get a function that completely fucks up program interface that’s not easily changed, especially useful when you’re talking to your girlfriend on msn and suddenly you can’t type anything that’s not in caps and can’t actually send a message because enter is now permanently coupled with shift so all pressing enter does is make a new line rather than send. Could only get out of it with a restart, by which time the gf had logged off after I had a rousing effort to try and communicate this fact to her across a webcam. I could murder the person who made that function.
December 2nd, 2006 at 1:09 pm
Numlock is the one that annoys me, at university seemingly every computer has it turned off for some inexplicable reason, so whenever I go to use the number pad (which is much nicer to use than a row across the whole keyboard when you are trying to enter a load of numbers) I get that confused moment before I realise that numlock has been hit again.
Insert annoys me too, especially with keyboards without the wee lights to tell you the status, you get halfway through an essay, go back to retype a bit and then found out due to some enterprising arsehole that changed it, you have gone and typed over the last three lines of text and have to try and remember what the hell they were int he first place…
Wireless keybaord on the other hand are most necessary, as I generally type on my computer from across the room where the wire won’t reach… eh? the mouse I can understand, but the keyboard isnt exactly the most mobile piece of hardware, it sits on my desk where the cable is hidden out of the way where nobody cares about it
bring on the optimus keyboard - http://www.artlebedev.com/everything/optimus/
December 2nd, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Whose stoopid idea was it to put the caps lock key on the left end of the middle line, where the CTRL key is on every other computer in the world, and vice versa?
December 2nd, 2006 at 1:21 pm
To type a € on a UK keyboard, simply press Right-alt and 4. Not sure why that’s useful. As for control vs. caps lock, I learned to compute on a DEC VT-100 terminal, which has control and caps lock swapped over. So I turned caps lock off on my PowerBook, and now I’m happy. But what’s the deal with the difference between a standard UK keyboard, like this one on Mrs. God’s PC, and the “UK” keyboard on my (otherwise utterly lovely) PowerBook. Blooming quote marks are down where they are on a US keyboard, and a “#” sign is something like command-3. As a programmer (hey, Kid Penfold), this is teh suck!
To be honest, thanks to Windows giving you a US keyboard pretty much irrespective of how often you tell it you’re in the UK, I’ve just learned to type on a US keyboard, as it works across most machines.
I’m waiting for the day that I can just plug myself in to the computer and think the symbols I want.
December 2nd, 2006 at 1:36 pm
I hate the split keyboard and what the hell where they thinking with F lock? I got to refresh a webpage at school so I press F5 that does something completely different. It’s a pain in the arse with US and UK English kayboard cos you don’t know where all the buttons are. I got to email someone and I get # instead of @.
December 2nd, 2006 at 1:59 pm
How the hell do you even get the ¦ from the ¬`¦ key? I get ` when I press it without shift, ¬ with shift, but how do you get ¦
December 2nd, 2006 at 2:38 pm
All I can say is that whoever designed the Sleep (and power/shut down buttons on some keyboards) never owned a cat.
oh and caps/num lock shouldn’t exist
as for the little plastic feet that most keyboards have- At work we have a supply of foam wedges that we use with every keyboard because even those feet don’t raise it enough if you work with a computer every day. Try putting something under your keyboard to raise the back end by 2/3″ and see how much better it is.
December 2nd, 2006 at 3:59 pm
*that’s* why my numbers weren’t working!!!
and too right about the wireless tosh - on the mouse front always having to raid my vibrator for some AAs is getting a bit tiresome…
December 2nd, 2006 at 4:13 pm
The Apple white keyboard is so nice to type on. I hear you on Caps Lock and I guess Num Lock is kind of redundant - but there’s many a Linux distro which doesn’t have it set to ON by default - so you’re stuck if you can’t turn it on and your log-in pass-phrase has numbers in it.
December 2nd, 2006 at 4:18 pm
ok, firstly
“The CAPSLOCK is +/- mandatory in engineering …… unless you’re in or near the field you wouldn’t know. ”
Yeah well i’m no engineer but if i was then what i’ld do is type it all normaly so it didn’t hurt my brain to look at then i’ld select ‘Convert to Caps’ and let my wordprocessor do the magic.
I must admit tho that i use the CAPS lOCK to troll in #Irc chat rooms;)
As for them being white, who cares if they get a little dirty when you can draw all oven them; self cleaning too - even permenent marker soon gets eroded by finger grease.
As for wireless, why would you remove the most usefull function from a product especialy if in doing so it severly hamped the products opperation? Sometime’s i missplace my mouse for a moment or i knock it off the table into the knee deep rubble from what ever project i’m working on at the time but it’s never a hassle because there is a wire going from my base unit stright to it, all i need do is tug on that wire and woosh like magic my mouse is returned!
Occasionaly when i press buttons nothings happens, have i pulled the plug out? I ask myself, why yes i have and we pop the plug in the hole and it’s al fixed. simple, are the batteries run out? is it too far away? has the signal got confused and will i have to spend the next ten minuets pressing buttons and configering airwolf style brain signals?
one more quick wireless worry, why would i rather have raised levels of electromagnetic transmojaz brainwaves zapping all over my house then a neat little cable running up my desk and into my computer? It’s lead in paint, asbestos in roofs, antifreeze and mercuary in baby’s vaxinations, it’s sleeping on a hard floor with a bad back. Why do we fall for it everytime some crack pot scientist tells us that ‘of cource its safe, we haven’t got any evidence of it haming people at all; of cource we haven’t looked but we’re sure if we did then we wouldn’t find any….’
but i need a wireless kb so i can lay on my bed……bah. wll I currently have my wired board on my knees, a little later i might lay on my bed with it - i know exactly how far i can take it so if i want to play a bit of quake or something i don’t need to worry that my g key isn’t responding because i’m too far away. like i say if i loose it, its easy to find.
wireless is senseless
Oh and like da man says; if you’ve got some crazy rare character you need to use then ascii codes are the way!!! ∞f”├X┴!P≡♫=↔▲!¡‼
I ripped ’sleep’,'off’,and’restart’ out with piliars after one too many random power downs
December 2nd, 2006 at 4:22 pm
only thing you’re right about is the UK/US and F lock
December 2nd, 2006 at 4:44 pm
At work we have a severely outdated IBM system for handling customer finance applications. The keyboard is bloody barmy on it - the enter key is where control should be. There are about 50 “F” keys. the arrows are all higgledy piggledy.
It’s a fucking nightmare.
To make it worse, the system itself has a commandline interface with black background and green text. Seriously, it’s the crappest thing ever!
December 2nd, 2006 at 6:45 pm
I still miss all the old IBM and ICL\keyboards, that all used to come with a bag about the size of a bag of sugar, with all of the other language keys included and a tool to remove all of the keys as well, In the box you’d get a booklet with all of the standard keyboard layouts so you could put them back together after you’d swapped the keys round on your mates. also made them dead easy to clean. the last great advantage was they were so solid and heavy that they felt like they’d been made as surplus from disposed of battleships.
December 2nd, 2006 at 7:53 pm
Ah - thought this was going to be a rant about the kind of keyboards that make music, about piano action vs semi-weighted vs synth action. I tend to feel more confident with semi-weighted at least, even better when it’s a fully-weighted piano action.
This is because you a) your finger has a soft landing, b) you have feedback on the stroke, you are under no doubt that you have actually hit a key. I had the same feeling when a colleague brought an old IBM PC keyboard to the office: you had to make a positive movement to strike a key, and you could feel the click from the spring as it cushioned the stroke. The action was modeled after the IBM Selectric typewriter, and I wish I had one of those at home.
It was too loud for the office though, and I’ve found a 15-year-old Compaq that is not quite as obnoxious. But you’re right, with a slight qualification: modern keyboards are disposable shite. Don’t get me started on notebooks with the “clitmouse”… grrr.
December 2nd, 2006 at 8:41 pm
Wireless mice are essential. Nothing’s more irritating than having to untangle your cords during Counter Strike.
December 2nd, 2006 at 8:49 pm
“What is the fucking point of numlock? Why would I ever want to use the numeric keypad as a cursor?”
Obviously you’re haven’t been a geek for long…
I’ve been using the keypad for navigation since the times when you didn’t have those stupid arrows keys (WHY IS DOWN NOT ON THE BOTTOM????)
And thinking of it, why would you want to enter NUMBERS from the keypad?! You work in fucking supermarket?!? Whats wrong with the good old number keys??
December 2nd, 2006 at 9:57 pm
F lock SUCKS. It’s the only thing I don’t like about my keyboard. Every time I want to printscreen, I always hit PrtScn, F-Lock, PrtScn. AND The other function of the Print Screen button is INSERT. The most annoying key ever invented.
December 2nd, 2006 at 10:33 pm
Many years ago (14), I worked as a CAD designer, using microstation (fuck off autocad!), and the key boards had 48 function keys, each with a sub-function, 96 of the bastards to learn! Luckily you could define them yourself and print out a card that slipped above the keys with a description or picture of what each key did.
December 2nd, 2006 at 10:41 pm
With the number mini keyboard, and the numlock key, you can control most all aspects of older banking software. Just because you don’t use it, doesn’t mean it’s worthless.
Same for caps lock.. using all capital letters is required for some older programming/mainframe systems.
The legs are there to make tilting your keyboard an OPTION. Most of us keep them down, because tilting it increases risk of carpal tunnel. Which I hope you get.
Anyway, I hate new keyboards because they are too soft. I want to know when I press a button, damn it. Where is the feedback?!?!
Also… I admit that I use the Windows key + D to show my desktop, but other than that, I’m pissed that every keyboard now has it and the left click menu button.
/I want an old IBM model M
//My roommates would kill me if I got one (buckling spring keyboards are VERY VERY loud, and I’m an insomniac)
December 2nd, 2006 at 10:54 pm
Smalvin - unfortunatly, the word processor isn’t an option most times. These things are being typed directly into a second program, such as a CAD system, or a costing/ estimating system.
I would still like to see it go, and just have the programs change.
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:15 pm
Just buy a standard 104-key keyboard and shut the fuck up.
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:18 pm
I just wish they would make the ENTER key the same on all keybaords
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:27 pm
Flock is the only thing that drives me insane because its off when I start computer. I want to on so I can use my damn F keys
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:31 pm
Run linux and youll find the caps lock, pipe key and others very very usefull.
Numlock is great just for the light on the keyboard, .. you can determine if a machine has hardlocked by tapping the numlock key. If it blinks you’re good, .. if it doesnt… bounce the box.
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:32 pm
Looks like you had had it with keyboards
buying a keyboard became a gambling activity nowadays and i admit that
in every single peace you will find a different hurdle to make your syay on the PC a nightmare
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:45 pm
You forgot to mention the windows key. Useless piece of gear that is. Worst part about it is that if you play video games, the standard “first person shooter” layout will guarantee you graze it at least once during a critical moment and end up flipping to the desktop. The worst part is that Ctrl esc does the exact same thing, so why have an extra key for it?
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:51 pm
Scroll lock is pointless (only app that uses it is Excel). So is Pause/Break. So remove them two and replace with copy/paste.
How do I reprogram my keyboard?
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:01 am
Now that the kids are off my lawn and my hip fracture is fixed. Let me fix you a glass of Geritol while we talk.
Pause/Break - Hold over from early mainframes ie:3270. Back in DOS it’s the equivalent of control-P which would pause text on screen.
SysRq - Added with the IBM AT 6 MHZ PC. Was/Is supposed to have a direct line into the CPU, hence system request key. I can’t say I’ve ever seen it used but I have played with it using X86 Assembler back in the day. Possibly still a solution in search of a problem.
Weird characters - that sideways looking “L” thingy, it is a logical NOT symbol. I’ve seen them on 3270 terminals before, maybe 5150 (AS 400) too. Yeah, I am as old as dirt and actually programmed on punch cards.
Well the Alzheimers is kicking in, time to take a nap. Hey you, get off my lawn you kids show no respect these da…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:05 am
I like caps lock so much that I took it from the keyboard altogether. Now I have a big hole there, where I can keep souvenirs of my past meals and beard hairs.
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:06 am
#4 - Tetris Return: The standard return key (which I believe Apple has been using since 1979) is much preferred over the tetris return key. Many cheap PC keyboards would use the tetris return key layout and it sucked. The fact that the size of the standard return key and delete key are “similar” has *never* resulted in me hitting the wrong key. I personally think the tetris return key layout should be outlawed.
#9 - Legs: Apple’s new keyboards do exactly as you ask, no legs, just a slightly titled arrangement of keys.
#10 - Function Keys: More and more OS’s are overloading the keyboard. Apple offers up a (Fn) key on their laptops. I would also like to see a (Usr) modifier key added to provide the end-user with their own key space for hot keys. Hot Key tools are worth much if the OS has taken away all your key combinations.
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:07 am
What’s that damn “Sys Req” key do anyway? It’s been there since DOS days, and I don’t think it did anything even then.
And speaking of DOS days - remember those nice old beefy PC keyboards with the nice touch, solid spring action and real electrical contacts? You could spill your coffee on them, rinse them off and dry them out in front of the heater duct, and they’d be good as new. Nowadays, keyboards have those stupid mylar sheets with contacts on them that instantly wick up fluid and give you all kinds of bizarre results when you hit a key. One misplaced splash, and you have to throw the thing out. Grr…
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:16 am
The big splits in the “natural” keyboards are best used, I think, by people like me who have Neanderthal-sized hands that can’t fit next to each other on a standard keyboard.
I miss the large, L-shaped Enter keys as well.
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:21 am
Ahh I miss my model M. I had one for my 486. Bless.
I like wireless keyboards; they can be stashed in drawers during house parties to stop pissed up people spilling drinks over them…
I like my keyboards to be nice and weighty as well, have to hear the keys click. Drives my housemates mad at 3am. I also have to eat with fairly heavy cutlery or I get all upset about my food.
Every so often I take my keyboard apart and disinfect every single key with dettol.
I think I mght have OCD
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:40 am
I have got my first laptop a year ago and i loved it so much cause there are no gaps between keys which my fingers almost always went in pressing multiple keys. That gap is as big as a key and seems pointless. Now every time i don’t type on my laptop i screw the fuck up. I am tried to get use to the gaps and now i don’t make as many mistakes when i type but it still happens every few sentences which still pisses me off.
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:44 am
What is the fucking point of numlock? Why would I ever want to use the numeric keypad as a cursor?
Until I switched to the Mac, I felt the complete opposite.
Arrow keys on many PC keyboards are absolutely hideous (the ‘mini’ keys on the old Microsoft Naturals, being the worst).. and using the arrows on the number pad gives a FAR nicer hand position since your hand is in a more natural typing position, rather than crouched at the bottom of the keyboard.
This was pretty important when you were a developer in the 1980s/1990s when GUI IDEs were not as common and you had to pretty much live with arrows all day.
To counter, though, what the fsck is the point of the numeric pad itself? You have numbers above the QWERTY line for gawd’s sake. Even though arrows don’t work on Mac keyboards, I never use the keypad since typing on the regular number keys is way more comfortable, being in a normal typing position (no need to move hands all the way across the keyboard).
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:58 am
but then again, what is more troubling in this day and age - the scroll lock buttons or programmers/software that just can’t show a page at a time and has to scroll and scroll …
and yes - until those 5 freaks that use caps lock on MAINFRAMES ain’t dead, the rest of humanity must suffer …
same with bankers - no way they could just attach a small num pad to normal keyboard … no, there’s a small banker in all of us …
i myself actually would prefer a big, soft ENTER button instead of all that num pad area on extended keyboards … so that you could hit it with a hand, with the force … and maybe similarly sized ESC key on the left side
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:05 am
A few years ago, I published a simple Windows key killer registry mod.
It kills Left Windows, Right Windows, Menu, Power, Sleep, and Wake.
http://krellan.livejournal.com/24069.html
Works great and looks better than ripping the keys out with pliers
Krellan (typing this on a 20-year-old Model M keyboard that lacks these keys completely)
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:10 am
I cant stand the f cking key it never f cking works. It’s a real pain in the rect m. Why cant they invent a lang age that doesn’t need an arsing key.
An ont get me starte on the f cking key….
;)
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:10 am
Don’t forget to mention all the international variaties. Layouts much worse then the US-keyboard layout don’t allow you access to all characters. Which is stupid to me. The time has long gone where one types just one language. I need a layout that allows access to all, some way or the other!
The insert key is a dread, should be Ctrl+Insert to achieve what it does. Ctrl+Insert already has a function? Well just learn to use Ctrl+V. Any educated person does.
The recipy for CAPS is the same: Ctrl+CAPS would do nicely. Then move it to some silly position to be forgotten about and use the space. Notebooks keyboards should use that space, but no. They make the cursor keys small instead.
Same old brainless world that suddenly surprises you when you thought it as dead.
Next on the plate: Microsoft will invent reconfigurable keys with LCD’s indicating the current function.
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:15 am
I love my new keyboard. A plain-as-hell black Logitech OEM $5 ten-year-old bog standard plastic brick. Equally suitable for clubbing a man to death as it is for typing without all the bollocks.
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:16 am
My Apple keyboard solves many of the problems that you have mentioned here. For example, there is no num locks; the keyboard is like a wedge, no legs; no sleep button either. It is also a nice white and very durable so far.
On my iBook, the mute button will stop the startup sound, but not on my iMac. I am not really sure why.
Also, I use CAPSLOCK quite often typing, but I do agree it could perhaps be moved a little. It is not only used for emphasis, but for acronyms and such.
You do realise that the UK also has an unstandard keyboard layout too, right? The only standardised keyboard layout is English International, which is what I use. The UK version does move around a lot of puncuation in places that do not make sense in comparison to the US layout. Older keyboards did have the “L” shaped Enter/Return button, but not longer I guess.
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:21 am
Why are keyboards white? Think about it for a second.
Why isn’t your blog black with white text? Because it would be fucking hard to read, that’s why.
The keys are white with black text for contrast reasons, it makes them easier to read. Not everyone can touch type and if you have to look at the keys all the time it makes sense if you can read them.
Personally, I can’t touch type, and these new black keyboards look cool, with their backlit LED thingys, but they aren’t the easiest thing to read, especially in low light even with the LEDs.
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:23 am
I’m going to be a Mac Fanboy Now you might be intrested to know that Mac OS X dosen’t have a login sound, but also the keybaord is self tilts up also, UK and US keyboards are the same (I need to double check this I know that on PC Keybaord 2 is @ in Us and ” in UK however on a Mac @ in the US and UK)
That was me being a Mac Fanboy although some of it was OS realted. But If you don’t want a Mac don’t buy one
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:24 am
CAPSLOCK…. unfortunately I work at a hospital where we have a medical records system that requires that you type patient names in ALLCAPS. It is quite annoying, but the medical records system is current and quite expensive (crappy, but current and quite expensive). So for our hospital and the hundreds of others that use this system, capslock is not obsolete yet.
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:25 am
my friends and i affectionately refer to the ‘gunk’ that builds up on heavily used keyboards and console controllers as “thumb snot”.
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:27 am
uhhh, you wasted your 15 minutes of fame on a blog entry about…keyboards.
LAWL!
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:39 am
1: cursor keys are great but the numpad has diagonal cursors and many nice things.
2: capslock can be useful for programming and other things.
3: i’m happy with any extra keys. you can usually assign what task the key does. it’s nice to have a browser button.
4: remember americans can’t even accept metric…
5: spray paint it!
6: mute is great but since keyboards came well before sound cards it is just a glorified multimedia key which needs software to run. why don’t you disable the startup sound?
7: ya computers shouldn’t sleep, thats why cyborgs will take over. great example about the hp keyboards when i did support on them i would press the sleep button while on calls, DAMN button!
8: leave it to m$ to change something into a way that makes you have to buy their keyboard again once you are used to how it works.
9: i never use legs so if the kb was wedged i might not like it. they do it because it’s an option
10: see 8
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:47 am
Well you probably got a point or two, but you can overexedurate. However, in frustrating times thats what people do
.
1. I dont use the number keys, probably as one of the few programmers out there… Anyway, I agree on your point for other peoples sake, not mine. I can manage
.
2. The capslock can be usefull, especialy for programmers that need uppercase letters for various tasks. So maybe you might find it crappy, but there is a use for it.
3. And the multimedia buttons can be usefull, buty only if you can program them. Otherwise I won’t use them anyway.
4. The US keyboard thing is not realy my problem, cause I have a dutch keyboard. However, sometimes it switches between boards if you press some different key combinations. And that is crap. But thats more of a software issue.
5. I don’t get the colour thing. All keyboards loose colour. You just need to clean them every once in a while.
6. I realy agree on the volume thing. It happens to me on my laptop about every time!
7. The sleep button itself is neat. So I don’t blame the button. But placement of these keys can be realy annyoing. Once at work I had the Power, sleep and wake button below the delete end and page down button. Talking about ‘ill’ placement!
8. I know people who prefer a broken keyboard, but a redesign in key formations is bad. Just like removing keys and adding that annoying ‘fn’ key that you need to press in combination with something else to do something you are used doing.
9. I can not argue with the leg thing. But it does cost less plastic to make these crappy things
.
10. Never rearange keys. That sucks. Just like extra keys are fine as long as you add them on the side or top or somewhere else. Don’t just stick em between anything or move them around. We don’t want that.
11. I dont know an F-lock. Is it the fn thing I mentiond earlyer? Cause yeah. That bites
.
12. There are good wireless keyboards, but I am not a fan of wireless keyboards and or mouses. However, other people swear by them. So I don’t think they suck that badly
.
And some points I scavanged from other comments:
Windows key. Yes the location is anoying, but you will get used to it. And it is usefull to when a game freezes or you want to return to windows. Just press it and it works! I know alt-tab should do the same, but sometimes it just does not.
Pairs of keys (like shift ad ctrl). People like the pairs because it gives them more keys
. This way you can map more keys and you can off course use wasd and the arrows as two complete sets of controls for splitscreen play 
. But I get your point.
The ‘right click’ key. Thsi one is rather usefull when you have no mouse. So I like it, however I dont like the fact they jammed it between other keys.
Insert. I dont like the insert key and I agree with the people who find it outdated. However, this is a personal opinion.
NOTE: Cool my current keyboard has an fn key as well! Thank god its completely out of range of my normal day to day range!
December 3rd, 2006 at 2:03 am
L-shaped enter key is not a US versus UK thing because there are plenty of US keyboards that are made with an L-shape enter key.
The distinction came because when the IBM Model M was released, they had the small enter key on the US version and an L-shaped key on the International English version. The UK Model M was just strange, it had a tall skinny enter key.
I myself never find myself hitting the upper part of the enter key. I tend to hit the part right next to ” because that is closer. (but by my reasoning spacebar could be made narrower too, which I bet would drive you totally insane)
December 3rd, 2006 at 2:15 am
And “page up” and “page down”, two of the most important keys EVER in an O/S designed from the group up as an office. Instead of JUMPING instantly and confusingly around the page, it should slide quickly down to where its going. And why is gods name is it over in China by the numpad? As a programmer I use page/up down in Gnome over and over and over… If I try in windows, the JUMP effect makes me lose my place and I get all confused.
PgUP, PgDn for the win!
December 3rd, 2006 at 2:23 am
Get a Mac keyboard (with a Mac preferable). Sure, except for it being “white” everything is standard and has been for a long time now! The sound control buttons, there’s no num lock or scroll lock (there is a caps lock). There’s 15 “F” keys, most of which are used by OSX. There’s no little legs holding it up, it’s solid, and it has a USB hub… oh, and its got a bloody cord which doesn’t take batteries! I really don’t see the point of these wireless keyboards. They are more of a pain in the ass. I mean, how many times do you take your keyboard more than three feet from the screen?
The only thing I miss when using a Mac keyboard on my PC is the Print Screen button since I do a lot of screenshots, and the Mac keys like Mute and stuff don’t work. I wish I could find a driver for that, and maybe switch control to be the “command” key… just to keep it consistent.
December 3rd, 2006 at 2:34 am
One more point for the list: The Qwerty layout, we should have standardised on DOVAK years ago. It’s odd better keyboard designs haven’t floated to the top of the free-market pile available. People should be more picky!
December 3rd, 2006 at 2:44 am
i hate caps lock, insert, and the windows keys. on coming into contact with any new keyboard i instantly pop them off and throw them in the bin. but then the questions from everyone who passes, “why is your keyboard…” DON’T GET ME STARTED!!! ha.
i find it increasingly difficult to just buy a keyboard with some normal keys on it that i can plug into my computer. all this multimedia crap and bizarro keyboard things, i hate it!!!
*vents*
December 3rd, 2006 at 2:46 am
I have to agree with the comment about function keys being on a toggle lock. Until recently I used a Logitech keyboard that thought the primary purpose of function keys was as multimedia controls every time I booted up - had to press the f lock to make them do anything useful. Wouldn’t have minded quite so much but the iTouch software that was required to support mm controls caused conflicts with other (more useful) software so I couldn’t use it anyway!
As of 2 weeks ago I have a beautiful Saitek Eclipse II keyboard which is an absolute joy to use and looks cool. Highly recommended.
December 3rd, 2006 at 2:53 am
Why aren’t the most used key’s in the middle of the keyboard?
http://bscodesignmatters.blogspot.com/2006/07/common-sense-computer-keyboard.html
December 3rd, 2006 at 3:01 am
Actually I use the key above the enter key all the time while programming. \n \t \r \\ etc.
December 3rd, 2006 at 3:02 am
I use a Dell Enhanced USB Multimedia Keyboard (#310-6166), freaking lovely keyboard. And no crappy bad-feeling multimedia keys either.
December 3rd, 2006 at 3:03 am
Dont forget keylock, how many keys you can press down, important in gaming. The game Frets of Fire really showed how bad some keyboards are. Cant press f1 thru f5 all at once. And playing FPS games can really be a hassle if a key doesnt register.
Keylock, length of key press, comfort,inverted T keys, and real 6 button horizontal insert/home/page keys are the biggest mistakes. A do like keyboards with usb hubs and standard layouts.
December 3rd, 2006 at 3:10 am
Wireless keyboard? I can give you one great reason for having one: gaming. My PC is connected by an HDMI cable to my TV, and it’s great being able to kick back in my recliner and game on my TV like I would for any other game console. Otherwise, it’s useless, but if you’re going to go the HDTV computer game route, this is a must-have feature.
December 3rd, 2006 at 3:16 am
You can get Sun Microsystem keyboards with the Sun traditional keyboard layout that switchs the Control key and the Caps Lock key. The idea being that the Control key is more useful and should be on the home row. You can get them in a usb version that works on PCs, just make sure you don’t order the PC layout.
December 3rd, 2006 at 3:50 am
dude, you have maybe 4 or 5 legitimate gripes.
programmers and linux users use pipe all the time.
if you want to go out and crusade about poor key choices, get them to stop moving the farking backtick all over the place.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:06 am
You’re pretty fucking hilarious. That was a good read.
I have a couple comments, though, and of course they’re negative.. because I’ve already said the thing as a whole was awesome.
The backslash/pipe key is used a tonne in programming or coding. The ‘pipe’ is an ‘or’ operator, and I’m sure the backslash does something too complected for me to understand. Oh, wait, you definitely need it when trying to flash/upgrade your BIOS. Yea, that’s about it.
I can understand keyboard legs as some do prefer keyboards at different angles - but you’re right, they’re flimsy as shit.
Nicely written.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:12 am
years ago i got myself a happy hacking keyboard lite, black, its still not approaching retirement. function keys, (caps|num|scroll) lock, insert and delete are safely hidden away behind Fn key combinations. The control key is in the right place and the Enter key is not the ‘tetris’ return key. Pretty compact, but it does have legs (which don’t really bother me). There are no ‘multimedia’ keys. The keyboard is also available with blank keytops to ward against hunt and peck typists.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:16 am
I have a logitech keyboard that comes with a second option for all the function keys. Stuff like f2 becomes email etc. Guess what, when you boot the computer the keyboard defaults to the alternative option. Nowhere in Logitech’s drivers is there an way to turn off this feature. So, if you are playing a FPS game like Battlefield 2, and you click on f2 in order to switch positions inside a helicoper, suddenly you are booted to your email program. Thanks Logitech.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:16 am
Great rant. My favorite that you missed is that every F’ing keyboard has all the special keys in different places. Maybe the GUI guys don’t care, but I hack a lot in shells, programs, IDEs, etc. and I need to be able to use ~ and | and assorted flavors of brackets. Every F’ing vendor puts them all in different places.
I have about twenty computers that I use, three laptops, a main WIndows and a main Linux machine, and a bunch of others. Every one of them has a different keyboard layout.
Arrrggghhh.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:17 am
This was great! I’ve done this:
I’ve taken to keeping an old pair of broken headphones handy so that I can push the jack into the speaker socket and re-route the nasty noises.
Great!
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:18 am
I love you.
Oh my god, this is the greatest thing I have read all week.
I award to you all the naughty, naughty badgersex you can handle.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:21 am
The worst key ever invented: “Help”
Totally, completely, utterly USELESS, and it completely gets in the way of everything. Never mind the fact that EVERY SINGLE application ever written that *has* a help function that could be called by a ‘Help’ button also has a ‘Help’ menu INSIDE the software. Talk about useless redundancy.
On a Mac, help is its own key. Just to the right of ‘Delete’. Just above another ‘Delete’ and just to the left of ‘Home’ and ‘End’. It must have been placed there by Satan himself.
On Windows, help is F1. Conveniently right next to F2, which anyone who uses Excel regularly uses frequently to edit a cell/formula. Placed by Son of Satan, no doubt. I have the schematics with his signature to prove it.
ARGH. I could scream. In fact, excuse me, I will.
Ah…. much better. Now, as for my own personal cure for all my keyboards with useless ‘Help’ functions? Immediately after removing the keyboards from the packaging, I *literally* break off the F1 or Help key.
The *only* time F1 is ever useful is when one is running Linux/OpenBSD/FreeBSD, etc. locally and one needs to switch betwixt consoles using the keyboard and not remotely.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:23 am
Thanks for the person who pointed out how the legs increase carpal tunnel.
Another use for the Scroll lock key that I didn’t see mentioned is that in Pop Peeper you can have the option of setting the scroll lock to flash when you get a new message.
It’s really an effective alternative to a sound alert. I wonder why not many programs use it?
I love the numlock key. Until I read this article, I was wondering how to make scrolling more comfortable.
Like one of the posters mentioned, numpad scrolling feels more natural.
I have my thumb set to the down arrow key, index finger on 4, middle on 8 and ring at 6. Feels way more comfortable scrolling through lots of webpages now. An additional bonus is how close the num lock key is on the numpad for an easy switch.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:55 am
It seems pretty clear to me that this guy’s perfect keyboard is none other than the Mac Keyboard
Ok, it has the backslash key on top of the enter key. But it doesn’t have legs, it has sound control, it is not cream colored and it is just a design beauty. Plus, it has two USB ports. I believe it is the best shaped keyboard ever. Pair it with the Mighty Mouse and everything looks to darned good!
December 3rd, 2006 at 5:11 am
Agree with pretty much everything but its you can’t really complain about the lack of standardisation of keyboards and list all the changes you’d like to see at the same time.
December 3rd, 2006 at 5:13 am
I write programs for CNC machine tools. I use notepad because the machine controls will only read an ASCII text file. there can be no lower case characters. You whiny assholes succeed in getting the caps lock key deprecated I will have to keep an old keyboard alive until I get old enough to retire. A pox on you all.
December 3rd, 2006 at 5:22 am
You’re right. I bought recently a cool slim, retro-iluminated keyboard… and the keys were getting stuck all the time… and the letters started to disappear. Then I bought a wireless keyboard/mouse… and had to replace mouse batteries every week.
Now I got back my old BTC9000A that looks like a Commodore 64 computer. I never had a problem with that old, cheap keyboard. It’s ugly, it’s dirty, but it works wonderful.
December 3rd, 2006 at 5:50 am
Hey, those who hate the Windows key obviously don’t realize how useful it is. It is one of my favorite keys, especially Windows + R to get the Run dialog box and Windows + D to minimize all and show the desktop.
December 3rd, 2006 at 6:32 am
I can’t believe you forgot the Windows key! It is the bane of all evil!
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:05 am
[…] Not only true, but hilarious at the same time! Well I thought so. http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/28/10-reasons-keyboards-are-shit/ […]
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:06 am
Since we’re ranting and speaking about not following standards, tell all the programmers out there and everyone they’ve mistakenly told, that there isn’t a “pipe” key, the character is called a “bar.”
Pipe is some made-up term by people who don’t know what the character is actually named.
And to that, dammit, there isn’t a forward slash. It just a slash and a backslash - no bloody forward slash. It’s like Virginia and West Virginia, there is no East Virginia.
Argh!
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:50 am
You pretty much sum up all my gripes about the keyboards I’ve had the last few years — about six or seven, I’d estimate.
I’m currently using Microsoft Wired 500; it’s solid, good-sized, no F-lock, and the multimedia keys I can live with (I need a mute and volume button). Best keyboard I’ve ever had.
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:58 am
Hey, that’s my keyboard at the top! Or at least the style … one of the models (made by Microsoft no less) which actually suits my needs quite nicely. This is a good post and something a dinosaur like me can identify with.
I honestly don’t like how modern keyboards are fucking with the layout, I realize some of you prefer a diamond of arrow keys and you don’t use the insert key — but switching that stuff around is annoying and slows me down. If you want to save space on the keyboard (a word to manufacturers), then make the number pad detachable. I don’t know many people PROGRAMMING who use it.
As far as media keys: I could care less if they all drop off EXCEPT skip/pause/play/mute. I NEED those dammit, and they actually work (without extra software) on the filthy model pictured at the top.
December 3rd, 2006 at 8:37 am
I thought I was the only one who used BADGERSEX as a password……
December 3rd, 2006 at 10:01 am
Take a look at the new MS Natural Ergonomic 4000, it addresses many of your issues.
1. Some people like the layout of arrow keys in the pad, live with it.
I hated that non-standard one too.
3. The multimedia keys are configurable on most keyboards including the 4000
5. The 4000 is black.
6. It’s driver controlled, limitation of windows. Can’t do much about that.
7. No sleep button on the 4000
8. They brought back the old insert block.
9. Some people don’t like the tilt, so they have to use legs to cater to both crowds.
10. F-keys are back to their old two-group configuration in the 4000
11. F-lock works with prtscrn on the 4000
12. 4000 is wired.
Not everyone wants the keyboard that you envision, so there are plenty out there. The 4000 seems to fit your needs better at least. I like it anyway.
December 3rd, 2006 at 10:15 am
Luckily, Mac users like myself use decent keyboards that are easy to use, beautiful to look at and dont get dirty.
Yet another reason to switch.
December 3rd, 2006 at 10:51 am
What you really need is a good, heavy, model M. Most of these things were made long before I was born, and they still work perfectly. A great place to get these is at Goodwill. It will cost you about a dollar.
If you get really lucky like me, you can snag an Omnikey 101 there. I paid a dollar for a keyboard that frequently costs more than $100 on ebay. It’s got loud keys, which give you a good sense of connection to the keyboard.
I can type way faster on the 101 than I can on any other keyboard. The only disadvantage is that you can’t re-arrange the letters (for Dvorak, yes I’m a dork) but that’s kind of nice, because then nobody asks to borrow your computer.
I think the biggest problem with modern keyboards, though, is that stupid ps/2 connector. What was wrong with 5-pin? Why did we need to switch from a large, sturdy plug to a small, bendable plug with a plastic tooth inside it that breaks? Better yet, we should have stuck with the ethernet-looking plugs from way back in the day.
December 3rd, 2006 at 11:08 am
Can’t argue with any of that, except - black keyboards do get dirty. Just as yuckily dirty as white or beige ones. It’s just you don’t get to notice it until it’s *really* bad
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:21 pm
The “Window” key… The little bastard that is neatly tugged between my alt and Fn keys… so I go and press it while playing wow and get ejected (lots of paging, waiting…) into Windows. What the heck do I need a stuuupid button to work the usless start menu? I am not against accessibility, sure, there are unfortunate people out there who can’t use a mouse. So make a keyboard available to them. Leave the general public alone with this shit! Of course, just branding keyboards with a Windwoes logo has nothing to do with it I guess…
The person responsible for this “new function” should be forced to run around Redmond with a burrowing wombat up his backside screaming “I am sorry” in a televised event!
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:22 pm
Yeknom.
You need two shift keys for typing capitals when you are touch-typing.
You can’t type a capital Y using the left shift key for example.
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:24 pm
I have to agree with the F-Lock key being a complete arse of a thing. When using dreamweaver, hitting F12 lets you preview your creation in a browser. Unless you have forgot to press F-Lock to turn it off, it’ll start printing whatever you have just made. And what is SysRq all about? I’m a computer engineer and i’m fucked if I know!
December 3rd, 2006 at 2:02 pm
3 things you forgot:
1 Keyboards, for better or worse, still work better than any other means of input.
2.The famous QWERTY keyboard(which was designed to SLOW YOU DOWN) has become so culturally entrenched that all attempts at re-design have failed!
3. the symbols are different because that answers the different implementations of the English language!! For example, I learned to type in the US in the mid 1970s, at a time when the public schools were still teaching it on manual typewriters. At that time, if you needed to make a Pound Symbol for something priced in British Pounds, and you had a us version of the typewriter, you had to Cap L, back-space, -. Likewise, if you had the BRITISH version of the EXACT SAME TYPEWRITER and you needed a Dollar symbol for the US(or Canada, Austrailia, etc) you had to Cap S, backspace,/. and that was that, and always would be. consider where we came from!!!
December 3rd, 2006 at 3:23 pm
Hilarious! And true.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:27 pm
Nice! fuck all innovations by microsoft..
December 3rd, 2006 at 8:12 pm
Pretty good list for those who are stuck using most PC-centric keyboards. Say what you will about Apple’s marketshare, but it makes innovation so much easier when you don’t have to worry about every holdover from DOS. Also, the CAPS LOCK is unfortunatly useful for most people who work with databases, as it is much easier to use all caps (many database backbones are case sensitive).
December 3rd, 2006 at 8:41 pm
This will never be read but here I am with my 2c.
REMOVE the Focking keys that you protest. It’s made my life so much better. Just pull them off!
December 4th, 2006 at 12:18 am
2. certain legal documentation requires all capital letters. because there is no standard software for creating legal document, the constraint is placed onto the input device. hence, capslock.
4. pipe and slash are frequent keys in non-gui based operating systems. if you touch type, you don’t need an extra large enter/return key. You’re right about the differences though - it’s retarded.
10. you’re best not relying the function keys to refresh pages. I love the f5 refresh, but recent switching between browsers on multiple operating leaves you with a sour taste when you try to use f5 and it doesn’t refresh. Instead, rely on the software’s implementations for refresh, (ctrl-r/cmd-r). The f5 is so efficient though.. its a painful one.
and believe it or not, sitting back at the desk with the keyboard on the lap is more enjoyable without the wires!
Cheers and thanks for the laughs.
December 4th, 2006 at 12:34 am
You must be a superior mouser. As a pianist and a computer programmer, I avoid the mouse as much as possible because it sucks the life from my wrists. The only innovation you have listed that I could go one day without using would be the [insert] button. All of the others are essential features.
December 4th, 2006 at 12:42 am
I have but one rant,
Keyboard Failure, press F1 to continue
Gates is a funny funny cnut isnt he?
December 4th, 2006 at 12:44 am
To be honest I don’t know what the fuss is all about. Maybe it’s because I’ve been using computers for so long (20+ years) that I’ve gotten used to whatever quirks the keyboard had and accepted it (since I’ve started early, I’ve used computers long before the mouse appeared - my first “PC” being the TI99-4/A, whose “Function” keys were actually part of the QWERTY section and activated by a modifier key, FCTN).
1. By default I have NUMLOCK on. Ever since I’ve had to type numbers manually like a cash register (which I often did with Excel) I found it convinient to use the numeric keypad. Otherwise games like Flight Sims which often used the keypad for changing cockpit views remind me of the keypad’s other “functions”.
2. Using allcaps is useful for me as a coder. A tip I got during my Oracle PL/SQL training was that when writing code, reserved words were to be typed in all caps, leaving everything else lower case. This makes the code more readable when debugging.
3. I just ignore what I don’t need.
4. I just learned to get used to that when a bunch of British Compaq Deskpros were sent over to my office (which normally uses USA keyboards). Try using Japanese mode (which I needed when using Japanese software), where the \ key produces the Yen (¥) symbol instead (but does the same function anyway; so a directory path when in Japanese mode would look like C:¥WINDOWS¥SYSTEM32¥ for example).
5. My dad prefers cream keyboards instead of black (which I prefer by the way), because for some reason the labels on the keys of a black keyboard get erased after prolonged use (and unfortunately for him, he still hasn’t memorized the QWERTY layout; in my case the “N” key of my Logitech black wireless keyboard is already a blank key, at least I still know it’s “N” due to its location).
6. Just set your Windows Startup Sound to No Sound, or something softer or less disturbing if you need to hear that Windows started up (I don’t like the default Windows Startup sound anyway; I changed it to the sound of a girl saying “Ohayo!” [Japanese for “Good Morning”]).
7. I completely disabled sleep mode on my PC (so the Sleep button has no effect); I don’t find it that useful anyway (never trusted it ever since I’ve had PC’s that never “wake up” from sleep mode); if I want to save power I’d rather just shut down or use “Hibernation”.
8. I don’t use Microsoft Keyboards anyway (too expensive for one big reason); I prefer Logitech (for me the best keyboard in the world).
9. Ergonomics man. I find keyboards tilted towards me more comfortable to use. Keyboards laying flat give my hands an uncomfortable “stretched” feeling.
10. Rarely use them, except in games like Doom3: F5=Quicksave, F9=Quickload, F12=Take Screenshot.
11. What the heck is that? (Can’t find such key on the Logitech)
12. That’s one thing I actually have fun with. Sometimes on my cramped desk I want more legroom. So thanks to my Logitech wireless keyboard I can place it anywhere I want without the cord getting in the way. Places I’ve had my keyboard on include my lap (when I’m sitting at my desk but facing sideways with my legs free and stretched out), and on my bed (when I’m lying down on it). It’s also a good solution for my Logitech Wingman Formula Force Feedback Wheel, which takes up much desk space (and under-desk too thanks to the pedals) when I’m racing around in NFS:Underground, and a wireless keyboard can be put out of the way quite easily but still within reach to use it.
PS I also have a wireless mouse, which is also convinient for me; in fact the wireless mouse and keyboard together are one package from Logitech, with the shared receiver connecting to only 1 USB port.
With regards to the battery issue, I use NiMH rechargables with spares (so if it goes dead, I quickly change to the spares and recharge the dead ones, then repeat the cycle again; surprisingly my wireless keyboard hasn’t had its first batteries run out yet ever since I bought it more than a year ago; the mouse on the other hand had numerous battery swaps).
December 4th, 2006 at 1:06 am
I think that ‘Undo’-key could be also very useful.
December 4th, 2006 at 2:07 am
I agree with James… the Happy Hacking keyboards rule. (Although you do have to learn the keyboard combos for the function keys.)
December 4th, 2006 at 3:08 am
I only disgaree with the CAPS LOCK key, otherwise, you are spot on the mark. Also with wireless items: the bastards should all have to be able to be plugged in to a) charge the batteries when not in use b) be able to be used when the bastards do go flat.
And fuck off the legs!!!!!! Cheese wedge chunk shaped keyboards are the way to go, which mutants type with a flat keyboard?
December 4th, 2006 at 3:19 am
Here’s a key I absolutely hate. The enter key in the number pad. Whenever the damn key is unbeknownst to me pressed down by an object on my desk such as a book, it becomes a huge fucking pain in the ass to get rid of all the returns that blasted key caused.
And I would like to shoot the asshole who thought that using the spacebar to scroll down a page was a good idea. Whenever I miss clicking a type-in bar at the top of a long page and make a space, I end up being thrown halfway down the fucking page! What, scrolling with the arrow keys wasn’t good enough or something?
Also, I HATE those curved keyboards with a burning, fiery passion. I am a four-fingered typist, and I constantly miss the keys on a curved keyboard, because the one I use at home is straight. I’m glad they started to disappear, though. =D
December 4th, 2006 at 6:50 am
I have a wireless keyboard and can’t say that I have ever had the batteries run out on me, and I have had it for two years. I type for at least two hours every day on it and still it keeps going. I prefer the wireless cause it allows me to easily free up space on my desk when I need to write, or eat some thing that I don’t want to end up on my keyboard. Though its not a microsoft, so perhaps that is why it is better than whatever you have had experience with.
December 4th, 2006 at 9:06 am
What I hate most: TOO FUCKING SMALL ENTER KEY!
There, I didn’t even use caps lock for that!
December 4th, 2006 at 9:16 am
CAPS LOCK: APPARENTLY THIS IS A COMPATIBILITY FUNCTION FOR EX-MILITARY TYPES WHO CAN’T GET OUT OF THE HABIT OF USING TELEX MACHINES - STOP
December 4th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
scroll lock and pause/break can fcuk right off.
I have dell laptop where the properties key is next to prtscrn.
Numlock or capslock are useful for machine crashes, but a single ‘is my machine alive’ button would do.
Did you know hospitals are now concerned about keyboard plaque as the number 1 carrier of MRSA.
and finally, if your going to put batteries in a keyboard, then the fcuking thing should have keys that light up so we can see em in the dark.
December 4th, 2006 at 12:57 pm
Why fscking Logitech produce some keyboard without scroll lock, which is a standard key and is needed to use a kvm switch?
It’s a standard key!!!!
December 4th, 2006 at 1:57 pm
Ever been using Excel and every time you press an arrow key to change cell the screen scrolls instead ?
Ever wasted 45 valuable minutes of your life looking in the Help and on the interweb trying to find out what’s gone wrong ????
Well, it turns out that at some time in the long distant past you pressed the Scroll Lock key. And on my keyboard that means 2 keys at once - Func+Scroll Lock. Hmm.
December 4th, 2006 at 2:24 pm
What’s with laptops with the arrow and PgUp/PgDn keys all over the place ??
I chose mine partly because the arrows are in the same arrangement as a standard keyboard (well, what used to be standard), with PgUp/PgDn above the left and right arrows. Quite sensible, sort of. My colleague’s - from the same manufacturer - has $ and € where I have PgUp/PgDn, and the latter keys are up the side of the Enter key. Why? The $ and € are already present - whoever would think they need them with such frequency as to merit dedicated keys? I can’t use his keyboard because it drives me mental.
December 4th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
Scroll Lock is an important key - it functions as a purely hardware key, and as such can be used to control programs running in the background when the foreground program is capturing all regular keystrokes.
F Lock wouldn’t be so annoying if it defaulted to on. Fine, you want to give me a spellcheck button. Fine. Why would I want it to be the default choice over my function keys?
Another complaint: I often keyboard in the dark. Why do they have to set the LEDs for the toggle indicators to be as bright as freaking lasers? All I need to do is be able to glance down and see if they’re on - I don’t need to be able to check from across the room, and I sure as hell don’t need to signal aircraft with them. All of my keyboards tend to end up with electrical tape across them with little slits cut in it.
Wireless, though - that’s handy. I use one of my PCs to serve music and video to my TV. Being able to hotkey media controls (or have multimedia keys) while I’m sitting on the couch watching a show is invaluable. Tapping a spacebar when the phone rings trumps having to mouse to the pause button.
December 4th, 2006 at 4:55 pm
[…] An intelligent rant. Food for thought. The capslock is obsolete, I guess and the Sleep button can irritate. Read it.read more | digg story […]
December 4th, 2006 at 5:01 pm
with regards to caps lock, i understand its necessary with some applications but when you reply to a post or talk to someone using various software and need to SHOUT is it just me of do you feel like you are MAKING MORE OF A POINT IF YOU ARE HOLDING THE SHIFT BUTTON DOWN AND HITTING THE KEYS HARDER even thought it makes no difference to the text. Maybe its just me…
December 5th, 2006 at 2:05 am
I use a screwdriver or similar implement to pop off the keys I don’t use - so long tilde key, bye bye insert key, bon voyage caps lock key.
It is much harder to accidentally hit these keys if they are in my desk drawer.
December 5th, 2006 at 3:26 am
Linux is nigh useless without the | (pipe) key.
December 5th, 2006 at 4:19 am
Reasonable… Most of it anyway. Most of the stuff you forgot to mention is already here, but just to reiterate:
1. Scroll Lock (who in their right mind uses that?!)
2. Pipe and slash are very useful for me since I ma running Linux. Use them all the time.
3. Please don’t let them make keyboards without legs. I will have to saw off parts of the keyboard case where right now I can just close the legs.
4. Split keyboards are an abomination. hopefully they keep making regular ones.
5. Num lock is sort of useful playing some games. Not a good reason to keep it on the keyboard I guess though. Like in those RTS games you can scroll 8 directions.
December 5th, 2006 at 11:35 am
The only thing the Caps Lock is good for is when filling out forms (Is that an I or an L?) and unfortunately, it’s required for the US military. They obviously like to yell. A lot.
December 5th, 2006 at 1:03 pm
Won’t somebody please make a nice clacky keyboard that doesn’t cost a fortune. I miss the old IBM keyboards
December 5th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
you probably wont see this but just this morning i was bitching about keyboards. asking why you still have to hold down shift to get to the question mark. is forward slash really that more important? anyway.. i was bitching then i come back from lunch and find this on Digg. fate?
I know youre into standards but they need to redo some of the non QWERTY stuff on the keyboard.
December 6th, 2006 at 8:04 pm
LOL!
I’ve just found out that my beloved keyboard for all these years is the beloved-by-many Model M!
I’m just looooving this loud clicking now!
December 7th, 2006 at 11:40 am
Pause/Break also pauses the game in AoE2
December 7th, 2006 at 6:59 pm
I agree with some of the other replies.
How the hell can you rant about keyboards and not mention the insert key shame, shame, shame, shame on you! If the keyboards god do indeed read your rant and never remove the damn insert key you’ll surely have done us all a disservice.
Also………….. I hate that freakin’ insert key!!
I surprised their isn’t a British Standard for keyboards there is for everthing else. I can see a potential national campaign.
December 8th, 2006 at 11:34 am
i have used the UK layout now for long enough that i set my MAC to UK layout even though its a US key board…
I must say i like the USB mac keyboard (with the del key) and 2 usb ports in the back - 1 for my mouse and 1 for a USB drive or what ever…
my PC keyboard has that stupid f-lock thing.. and be default its aways off when the computer comes on - so i aways have to press it at some point - every single time i turn the damn thing on! I have NEVER used the alternative F-Key functions, i plan not to ever.
Also whats the deal with German and danish, probably plenty of others… with the @ symbol hidden by a crazy zainy secret code (something like alt+ctrl+shift+’key 3′)
December 8th, 2006 at 1:46 pm
Num lock is great. I started switching it off when I got a machine with a narrower keyboard that lacked the Home/PageUp/whatever block and now I use the numeric keypad pretty much all the time instead of that. It’s consistent whatever keyboard you’re on. I could never be arsed doing numbers on there - they’re above the letters for a reason - so you can reach straight up to them.
December 9th, 2006 at 4:07 am
Your L-shaped return keys cause a worse problem: The tiny sized backspace key. On “American” keyboards, the backspace key is twice as big as a normal key. As it should be. On every kbd I’ve seen with an L-shaped enter key, the backspace key is tiny as a result.
December 9th, 2006 at 4:38 am
I know this is completely radical, but what the hell. The “qwerty” system was supposedly devised to keep people from typing to fast. But that whole concept is so frigging archaic at the beginning of the twenty-first century. Isn’t it about time to drop it!
December 15th, 2006 at 5:53 pm
I agree with a lot of this rant. Most significantly all the new buttons which is totally lacking standardization.
I’ve got a few additions as well.
Stop fucking resizing the enter-key and reorganizing the block of keys with end, del, pgup, pgdw etc. When something is _really_ standardized: FOLLOW THAT STANDARD.
What I do NOT agree upon, is the flaming of of the buttons and key-combinations that is replacing known mouse-click things like “right click to get drop-down menu” etc. I use the mouse as little as possible unless I play games. To me it’s slowing med own every time I have to leave the keyboard to get to the mouse. I even navigate on my dekstop with my keyboard, and not even the most avid Quake-player can do it faster than me.
The windows-button is great, as it gives you really fast access to stuff like “run”, “show desktop”, “find files” etc. But I agree, lose the second one, we only need one of them. Don’t really understand the use of the right shift-button either. The right one is perfectily enough.
Wireless keyboards are really awesome to have if you run a home-scinema and watch stuff from your PC. Or even if you play music through it and browse using the TV from your couch. If you don’t want to stop typing because you run out of batteries, do like me, have one wireless and one with a cord.
December 16th, 2006 at 2:44 am
I agree with most of what you’ve said except for the US vs. UK keyboard bit. I’ve never seen a UK keyboard, so I can’t really say anything against it. I think it’s mostly all in what you’re used to.
As far as the \ and | key goes, that one key often determines whether or not I can use the keyboard. If it’s NOT above the enter key, it can really screw me up. The backslash is used a lot in DOS (yes, yes — no rants about how it’s out of date. I don’t like it either, but sometimes there are situations where you have to use it.), and bothe the backslash and the pipe are used in the *nix shell.
December 16th, 2006 at 9:39 pm
My friend has a french laptop and occasionally I have to borrow it for emailing….I HATE IT. Why do you need to press shift to get a full stop? I use that much more often than ~, seems completely pointless to me.
December 17th, 2006 at 3:30 pm
Best keyboard I’ve used?
A now-20-years-old one that came with a 286 someone gave me. When I have the desk space, I’m going back to using it, plugged into my laptop via an insane combination of AT-to-PS2 and PS2-to-USB adaptors (also hosting a regular wheel mouse). Full size keys. Nice big travel. Firm feel but no stupid clicking noise. Proper angle to it. No stupid windows keys (I’m a man, I know how to press Ctrl-Esc or Alt-Space)… you can even swap around the positions of Ctrl and Caps if you really want to. Good stuff. Have written a lot of stuff on it already with the old (retired) desktop.
Assuming the adaptors don’t ruin the functionality, what with the USB bus being somewhere on the far side of fucking shite for HIDs such as keyboards and mice.
Second best is actually joint second between the two laptops i’ve used long-term, and probably the reason I stuck with them. Both have been 12″ form factor, but had clever enough designs to allow pretty much full desktop size (certainly no less than 90% - i have chunky fingers) and nice, deep travel, without the Function and Edit keys being impossible to find or use. All the Ctrl, Alt etc are in the right place too, so it’s still possible to do e.g. Ctrl-Right or Alt-P one-handed. Bliss.
(the current one just ekes out the old one, as the Caps and Num Lock have their own lights positioned on the actual keys, so it’s easy to tell what’s at fault if something inane is going on late at night)
So many crap keyboards in the world though. Hard to list them all. Besides the listed complaints (which are wholeheartedly agreed with), soggy feeling keys are another big one. And symbol keys ending up in retarded places - and not just on laptops.
December 17th, 2006 at 3:33 pm
Also: having used a webcafe in france… never mind having to press shift to get a full stop (as you could at least use the one on the number block), what’s with pressing shift to use the number keys on the main board (and therefore, on any laptop)??? Sure there’s the keypad, but it’s a complete bind when you’re just putting someone’s address in rather than working a spreadsheet… and totally jarring to anyone who isn’t used to this rather mental arrangement.
December 24th, 2006 at 5:13 pm
I couldn’t agree with you more, Rob Manuel. You are a new God.
Though two Windows keys are kinda useful, so you can do Win-L as a one-handed chord.
)
December 25th, 2006 at 12:36 pm
Recently I said “enough” to all this and bought 5 “Mitsumi Classic” and 3 “Mitsumi Millenium Multimedia” (with really good MM keys, and mostly - MUTE). And think that I can forgot about this shit for couple of years…
December 26th, 2006 at 9:00 am
There are many stupid keys, but there is no really needed - special key for switching language. Yes, English is the ONE language in the world
, and if someone think different - let “play accord” every 10-30 seconds (avarage).
December 26th, 2006 at 9:33 pm
These features are for those of you that do not use a mouse. Noob!
December 27th, 2006 at 1:00 pm
With the whole bunch of personal preferences and opinions, I’d see the only way to resolve this issue by creating a programmable keyboard with LCD key caps.
By assigning certain characters and/or functions to certain key, one would be able to tailor the keyboard to his/her personal needs.
This is what Microsoft consistently fails to do…
December 27th, 2006 at 3:21 pm
I don’t really like overwrite mode (when you press “Insert” once).
I like some of the keys that’s being criticized here.
Win + Pause / Break = “System properties”.
Caps lock is OK for 3D action games - if the small green LED is on then you’re running otherwise you’re walking.
Scroll lock keys are useful for MS Excel (obviously to scroll the sheet). It also employed in most hardware KVM (=Keyboard VGA Mouse) switches (”scroll lock then scroll lock then up/down arrow” will switch the keyboard, display and mouse to the next/previous PC)
The worst of all are non-standard layouts. For example the family next door have insert end delete keys on their keyboard merged together and marked as “delete”. Guys can you imagine that?
I press Ctrl+Ins - and the block of text disappears. Then I look at the screen. Then I say “Dammit!”. Then I realize all the friggin’ shit about the fuckin’ layout and press Ctrl+Z to undo. Then I’m tryin’ to find the real Insert key. And you know what? There’s the only Insert key on that keyboard - one on the numeric keypad! So just to copy a few words I have to press Num Lock, then press Ctrl+zero, then press Num Lock to restore it’s state. A few moments later I press Shift+ins to paste - and the fuckin’ text block dissapears again! Then I say “Fuck!” and begin to look at the keyboard before pressing a single key on it - which catastrophically slows down all the computer operations.
IMO americans should pass the law which obliges the keyboard manufacturers to do exhaustive clinical studies of ANY keyboard layout before putting the keyboards with this new layout to the production.
January 2nd, 2007 at 2:01 am
I agree with you on everyting except caps lock, it is quite useful at times, not always for when you’re typing sentences but for other thigs like case sensitive commands and linux and stuff
January 4th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Though I agree with much of the comments above, I have used every key on the keyboard…
Scroll lock is application specific - the only use in windows know is in spreadsheets… for e.g. in Excel it locks the cursor position allowing you to scroll with the arrow keys and page down without losing your position. and in the linux terminal.
I use Pause in the windows Command Prompt to stop things flying by and in Games to go grab a drink.
I just wish the winKey would open the Menu in Linux… I have configured it to work that way but it should be standard.. and if the linux people dont wanna call in the winkey rename it to menukey or something.
The worst thing is the subtle layout differences (often regional diff)… more then once i’ve had to hunt down a key like the ‘/’ or single open quote on a friends keyboard.
and btw 2 Shift keys are gr8 for playing pinball.
And i like the MS natural keyboard… it grows on you the more you use it.
January 29th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
On I do hate is people mucking around with the Space Bar or replacing it with a horrible cheap bit of plastic, Little or no spring that sound like it’s broken when you use it (eurrrgh)
2 Shifts are requuired if you type a lot, other wise how would you enter a “!” with 1 hand.
The windows key and ‘Menu’ key on a modern keyboard are great when doing client support over the phone, then the muppets can click and press that button, for when saying, “Now let’s try clicking with the other button on the mouse over that file name.” isn’t plain English enough for them. but 99.99% of the time for personal use apart from the odd KEYB shortcut (I don’t mouse for the hell of it) it is a PITA.
Non standard insert blocks (ARRRGH) mine has the PRT|SCRL|PBRK keys on the top row and stupid power functions where they should be, I’ll just grab that window and *Poof* attempt Power down.
The Insert key is required, it is used to alter viewpoints in a lot of games
and the insert block would then be called something different, and would look strange with 5 keys.
I had a tool ages ago that could link your num lock light to you HDD activity, unfortunately I use the numeric pad a lot, (I get to enter a lot of data) and that just got confuzzling
I had one KEYB that moved escape above the tab and moved the tick somewhere random, and put a propriety button that did crap all that I could find in it’s place, got used to the escape, but couldn’t stop my submarines engines and bring her straight and level without that key.
A good fungused keyboard is a big deterrent to unauthorised access. and I like cables the annoy the hell out of fems.
May 3rd, 2007 at 4:44 pm
I used to review keyboards for Techtree.com where I had written a similar rant about the new Microsoft keyboards complete with the insert key size, F-lock, function key blocks and other problems.
It’s interesting to note that almost all the expensive, branded keyboards mess around with the standard layout and promise you something new and innovative, but the cheaper US$3 (yeah, Rs. 130) keyboards are actually perfectly standards compliant and work like a charm.
June 4th, 2007 at 3:37 am
You can disable any key you want if you dissassemble your keyboard and put a sticker on the circuit board, under the rubber part, at the key’s position. I did that with both windows keys. Now they physically don’t work anymore because the sticker prevents the conductive layer under the rubber from touching the circuit board terminals.
I also replaced little green LEDs for lock keys with super-bright 5 mm LEDs of 3 different colors. Now i don’t have to look directly on them to know which are on and which are off - i can tell by color!
I’m a programmer but i still like the enter key to be L-shaped. On my keyboard the button for \ and | is between left shift and Z. Entering | is easy because shift is right next to it. It’s logic because backslash is to the left of the lower row, and forward slash is to the right.
June 15th, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Dear Rob Manuel,
Keep the anger alive.
Having just moved to the US, getting to grips with different keyboard layouts, I totally understand what your on about. Its so refreshing to here a Brit with a potty mouth! Your anger is my frustration too! I feel somehow vindicated, consoled almost in the knowledge that there are others out there with the same frustration. It grates me that I had to buy a US apple keyboard after I spilt the slightest bit of water on my UK version I brought with me, while cleaning the fucking piece of shit. If I had known my actions of care would lead to complete malfunction I would have rather taken it out the back and smashed it repeatedly on a kerb so I at least get some satisfaction. I hate this wank US keyboard, I might return it just for being a twat, that’s what I’ll say, most people don’t know what that is here, see if I get away with it? Anyone considered having a festival, bit like the burning man except we just all bring a keyboard and destroy it in an entertaining way, you know a family thing
November 17th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
It’s a shame that manufacturers insist on fixing something that isn’t broken, insist on re-inventing the keyboard, adding shit that I don’t want and moving keys who’s location is already hard-wired in my brain.
As a result, I’m forced to purchase crappy cheapo keyboards (made by a company who I assume don’t have the budget for pointless re-designs) who’s keys you have to batter the shit out of in order to type.
GG solving problems that don’t exist.
And wireless keyboards? I mean come on… are people tripping over this cable as it lies on their desk or something?
Give me a fucking break.
All I want is a good quality keyboard using the same layout that has been standard for years.
It just goes to show… the undiscerning consumer zombie sheep will buy whatever shit you put in front of them… just take away all the normal keyboards and people will HAVE to buy our shitty new designs.
November 29th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
There is much to be said about shite keyboards. Err, modern keyboards.
I just purchased a £30 ms ergonomic keyboard and yes, I will stand by the crack-pipe toss pots and say it is a better experience, it is.. honest!. However, why have a zoom button? Furthermore, PrtScn doesn’t work for love nor money.
I think some serious neglect in which much innovation is needed is in the hair magnetism department. What or what causes hair to miraculously appear under your keys? It is horrifying!
Good points made mate, I can’t agree with your more.
February 1st, 2008 at 6:45 am
What about a Kinesis keyboard? I think it’s better than a usual desk with keys mapping as on fossilized type writers.
November 2nd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
My HP wireless keyboard is shiny black- I cannot see the keys clearly in anything but broad daylight (not that common in England at this time of the year). Also the white lettering is fading on the most used keys.
I will soon revert to a white, wired keyboard - why keep battery makers in work? Don’t mind the visible dirt as I have a supply of those wet wipes in the little room and a Dyson that could suck the the keys off an old Microsoft keyboard. (I do not have a trailer hitch…)
I agree about the nice UK enter key- we get a second one at bottom right too!
I suspect the big one, which has a back arrow, not “enter”, was lifted from the electric successor to the carriage return lever on Hemingway’s typewriter.
HP have rather spoilt this by putting the delete key between the big enter and page up/down keys. Good for a laugh, as Jonathan Ross would say.
Oh ****, it seems my mouse batteries are running out.