My old chum Joel Veitch has recently taken leave of his senses and turned from dodgy flash animation to the production of soft toys.
He sent me through a batch the other day and I was rather pleased to see, not only are they not shit, they actually are very nice indeed.
So I decided that B3ta readers should have a chance to win some, so I got on the blower and demanded free toys for the B3ta massive.
First off, you’ll probably want to see some photos, lovingly photographed by me in B3ta Towers. This one, for example, on the official B3ta shitter. (A toilet I’ve crapped in at least 3000 times, and I estimate that Jonti Picking has shat in it probably 500 times. Joel? He’s probably only pissed in it.)
Then I tried to get clever and make a tribute to the classic internet website, “bonsai kitten.”
And to finish off, why not have all Joel’s crew in my wifes handbag?
Anyway, to stand a chance of winning the little critters, I need you to complete this tie-breaker in 15 words or less.
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
Add you entries to the comments section on this post. Winners will be announced on the 24th of Nov. Good luck.
BTW: If you would like to buy Joels toys without having to enter a pesky competition then you might want to look at his shop.
UPDATE: Winners! We’re all winners!
Right. I’ve picked the winners, basically on what amused me at 2 in the morning. Judges decision is final etc. So four of you get one lovely toy each.
If you was Joel Veitch for the day you would…
- RAPE THE QUEEN IN HER GAPING ANUS. (Noctu)
- murder every cunt that had ever crossed me in one glorious day of vengeance. (Ben)
- I’d have a cock! So masturbate till my cock blistered and my palms bled. Nice. (Ree)
- Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just the once. (Mong The Merciless Says)
I’ll be passing your email address onto Mrs Veitch so that she can send them out. Huzzah.
Wait, shit, word count, me, Veitch, what kind of name’s that? I’d change it.
… go on a killing rampage, eliminating then eating my only true rivals Rob and Jonti.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would get a proper job or cancer of the knob
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would ask a Psychiatrist if I had Multiple Personality Disorder
If I was Joel Veitch for the day… I would slash my hands to shreds with a corn beef tin and run through the streets of Weymouth shouting Louis Walsh qoutes like ‘you remind me of a young Leo Sayer’
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would dress up as a giant man/crab combo and visit different parts of london, hang on…
…what…
…what do you mean he’s aready done that? when?…
…oh, for fuck sake, everything been done these days, oh well.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would push all manner of household objects down his urethra franklin, so that when he returned to his own body the next day he would have to visit A+E, and explain to the pretty nurses why he had all bottles of Cillit Bang and balloon whisks crammed down his jap’s eye.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would build a time machine then go back and stop myself (joel) from building the time maching in the first place … now thats a waist of time.
If i was Joel for the day I would use my influence on this site to make sure the organisers of the “Win a Sofa” competition all get spanked without pants for never actually picking a winner (or if they did the b3stards never told me) after I had gone to the trouble of sending them photos of my 22 stone pig flattening my sofa. My husband is now divorcing me and I am sitting on the floor every night, so a soft toy might be nice to lean on and make the cold hard floor less cold and hard.
If i was Joel Veitch for the day, i would get the crab of ineffable wisdom to snip off my arse raspberries and clagnuts, and then make him feed it to the poor. I would then make Blode’s giant bee, bum Blode repeatedly with his bee-sting tail and then as a climax – harpoon Blode in his small intestine, via his lubed up rectal cavity. Cue a fountain of shit!
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would film scat porn with Rob, then upload it to the internet for all to see.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would probably initiate a cycle of self doubt culminating in the propagation of an entire family of smaller doubts which would end disasterously in the egregious and utterly demoralising climax of late afternoon daytime tv, also I might purchase a pink fairy armadillo which I would name Terence and pretend was my wife for old times sake.
If I were Joel Veitch for a day, I would…
ingest poison that takes 24 hours to kill. Then think about what it means to kill, whilst committing crimes.
If i was Joel Veitch for a day i would…
act perfectly normal except donate all his worldly possessions to charity, for spacker kids with cancer or similar, so he’d feel too guilty to ask for it back. His life would essentially be ruined, with the double irony of being admired as a genuinely selfless person by all his mates for the rest of his (probably bitter, short and sorry) life.
oh and i’d stick a star wars figure up my/joel’s bum before i went to bed, because the thought of joel waking up and shitting out an R2D2 in a state of drowsy befuddlement the next morning will be something i can smile about well into my twighlight years
If I was Joel Veitch for the day, I would bake a cake and lick the batter right off the spoon. Mmmm.
if a was joel id be like who the fuck am i, where is this place, and whats this up my ass?
If I was Joel Veitch for the day… take you to a gay bar, gay bar and play with the bears.
If I was Joel for a day i’d play with my meat whistle for a bit just to see what it felt like to be a bloke…
Then I’d go to the seaside – find some crabs and take them up in my zeppelin for some tea, magic mushrooms and cunty mints.
Then crash the Zeppelin on Liverpool and kill all the gormless fuckers.
The end.
if i were jo erm….
i’d change my name by deed poll to Jo Veg much bettererer
I would Sing ‘its raining men’ with 7 seconds of love while wearing nothing but an elephant thong ( mind you the kind that have the elephants face on the front and the trunk, well you know) And a can of soup ( cream of brocoli) on me head. I’d then fiddle my meat and veg for a few hours while watching Monty python’s flying circus, and end out the day by having a shagfest with Joel’s girl, just because i am a girl and dont know what its like to be on the giving end. I’d also buy an expensive pair of earings made entirely out of Llama hooves. I’d also possibly go skydiving from the top of big ben, wearing little but white grape Jello. Possibly get arrested yes, But hell i’d have an adventure!
15 words, huh?
Well, lets see.
All i can think
of is Having
a wank.
…I would ridicule the idiot heckler who shouted out that fruit/veg/AIDS joke at my gig in Camden a few weeks ago.
I’d eat lots of jam.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
die happy, having achieved the ultimate goal in life.
if i were joel i’d slap rob over the face with my cock
I’d have a shit.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
go round his mum’s house for tea… love that lady
Fly to Quiznos’ World Headquarters and take a Spongmonkey shaped dump on the CEO’s desk.
…I would eat bowl after bowl of lovely, lovely porridge. And measure my cock.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day…
i’d so be drunk right now
If i were joel for a day I would use my cute yet subversive comedy to bring about a revolution. Heads would roll, starting with gordon ‘fucking’ ramsey.
If i were joel for the day I would … cry!
… get mullered on fine wines and cheeses then hurl expletives at a coffeeshop poetry reading
If I was Joel Veitch for the day….
I’d switch over to puppies
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
expand the competition to sixteen words so this entry is valid. Then I’d rape baby goats.
If i was joel for the day I would………. rape a soft toy elephant then have a peperami sandwich!
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… Give my mother the plushies, because she is a huge fan, and likes the moon!
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would commit many pointless crimes and random acts of violence – just because I could.
If I were Joel
I’d write lecherous haikus
About teh kittens
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would award the prize to me creating the worlds first competition paradox.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… hide in my cupboard from all the Mark Chapmans-in-training who enter this competition.
go to france for a shit
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would do absolutely nothing because I’m not a schizophrenic.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
burn his wife’s handbag, it’s awful. Then i’d eat his toys
…fake my own death so that when the real Joel Veitch got back to his own body people would think he was dead and he’d have a hard time explaining it all.
As Joel, I would make an animation with Jesus playing with 7 seconds of love.
Would not have to repair synthesizers for twenty four hours.
If I was Joel for the day I’d fuck his mum then kill her then chop her up and eat her then shit her out then just as Joel was turning back to himself I’d make sure that he had a mouthful of the shit that used to be his mum that he just fucked without realising. Because it was me. So he’d come back to his own conciousness with a gobful of mumshit. Yes. That’s what I’d do.
Hold on that didn’t fit in the word limit. I’ll Try again.
If I was Joel for a day I’d have sex with me so that I could see how awesome it is.
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I would track my former self down, killing him prevented Joel’s return to his body allowing me to live the rest of my life as a sexgod.