My old chum Joel Veitch has recently taken leave of his senses and turned from dodgy flash animation to the production of soft toys.
He sent me through a batch the other day and I was rather pleased to see, not only are they not shit, they actually are very nice indeed.
So I decided that B3ta readers should have a chance to win some, so I got on the blower and demanded free toys for the B3ta massive.
First off, you’ll probably want to see some photos, lovingly photographed by me in B3ta Towers. This one, for example, on the official B3ta shitter. (A toilet I’ve crapped in at least 3000 times, and I estimate that Jonti Picking has shat in it probably 500 times. Joel? He’s probably only pissed in it.)
Then I tried to get clever and make a tribute to the classic internet website, “bonsai kitten.”
And to finish off, why not have all Joel’s crew in my wifes handbag?
Anyway, to stand a chance of winning the little critters, I need you to complete this tie-breaker in 15 words or less.
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
Add you entries to the comments section on this post. Winners will be announced on the 24th of Nov. Good luck.
BTW: If you would like to buy Joels toys without having to enter a pesky competition then you might want to look at his shop.
UPDATE: Winners! We’re all winners!
Right. I’ve picked the winners, basically on what amused me at 2 in the morning. Judges decision is final etc. So four of you get one lovely toy each.
If you was Joel Veitch for the day you would…
- RAPE THE QUEEN IN HER GAPING ANUS. (Noctu)
- murder every cunt that had ever crossed me in one glorious day of vengeance. (Ben)
- I’d have a cock! So masturbate till my cock blistered and my palms bled. Nice. (Ree)
- Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just the once. (Mong The Merciless Says)
I’ll be passing your email address onto Mrs Veitch so that she can send them out. Huzzah.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would make official B3ta CDC toys and sell them in Gay Bars for bum sex!
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would eat ants
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would change the name of the registered company and account holder to me, then look forward to all of you buying lots of toys from me. :)
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would buy a plucked plump chicken and a a large jar of vaseline from Tescos.
…I would animate some penguins and sell my soul to an ad agency for money.
No, really, I would.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would make a cartoon insulting Mohammed and enjoy the ensuing madness in the following weeks.
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I’d roll around in my own shit n piss, happy in the knowledge that I can still earn millions covered in shit via the internet using flash :)
If I was Joel Vietch for the day I’d eat some crisps, watch the footy, and then go to bed.
I would probably pen a new song entitled “Nanohazardicity (dangerous drapery)”
after all 4080 people were injured by curtains in 2002*.
*page 25 18/11/2006 Newscientist
be arsed
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I’d impregnate my man-fanny with my tiny penis in an attempt to clone myself.
If I was Joel for a day I would…
…Give all my money and possesions to B3ta for their “taking over the world” campaign! :)
If i was Joel Veitch for the day i would be rather confused, and suffer an identity crisis.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would not enjoy it
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would set fire to fire engines and bask in the glow of it’s irony. Or flame.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would….
Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just the once.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would be fairly suprised.
… not bother?
Not really! How did you get Steiff to help with the toys?
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would award Joe Doherty the prize of a bag of toys.
Make sure the transition was for 24 hours only and find out if there was a way of reverting back to myself sooner.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would do as much as I could to get the word ‘spondulas’ into the dictionary. Oh my yes.
if i was joel veitch for the day i would take the band on a tour, the stops being at the wonderous giant pants, the spoonguard headquarters and the lair of the ineffable crab of wisdom.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day…
I would take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror and say “Joel, you need a fucking haircut.”
Two words; BME.
Rape all the Christian Brothers who raped me as a child.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day…
I would shit in the official B3ta shitter just to say I had.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day…
I’d get a spong monkey tattooed on my cock and Food and Blode on my arse cheeks.
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
…continue being gay and let him explain himself the morning after.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would take lots and lots of disgustingly graphic pictures of me shagging the neighbor’s pet hedgehog (male and underage) and mail them all to me (bad monkey) so I could blackmail the little pervo bugger for even more little stuffed toys than this contest is willing to give the winner.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day……(oops like some I didn’t read the 15 words or less thingamajig)…..
I would paint my schlong to resemble an Eskimo club, then rape a baby seal.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day………
……I would hijack a plane and fly it into the World Trade Mosque!!! Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhooooooowwwwwwiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would …
love fuck drink hit lick smoke pick perve look think touch stink piss and die
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would get a facelift and make my penis smaller, just so i could see the look on his face the day after. also, i would eat lots of pie.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would… sell myself out for the money.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would . . .
HAVE A WANK!
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
throw a queenie fit and take my prizes back. And then grow a crap beard.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day: At 11:59:58 pm I would throw a large stone at a wasps nest.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would choose Chom as the winner of my competition.
If I were Joel Veitch for the day, I’d hang out, have a sandwich, and let Joel Veitch — who would logically be me for the day — entertain my friends by making animations using their faces/pets.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would eat all the contents of this fridge then hide somewhere in the house and giggle to my full up self.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would sleep with my mother.
If I were Joe Wench for a day I would admit I was the original goatse guy.
What? Joel Veitch? Never heard of him.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would stop making these things and do something else.
if i were joel veitch for the day I would change his will so i get all his money, then kill myself.
[evil laugh to self]
If I were Joel Veitch for the day, I’d have money.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would … do something constructive for a change.
If you allow this to win I shall be rather upset plus I’d probably burn said toys or worse yet, give them away as presents as I am a cheap bastard.
Yours sincerely
Dave of the North
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would cum on a midget
If I were Joel Veitch for the day,I would let the cat piss all over those fucking competition prizes.
If I was Joel for a day I would…. Stand in front of a mirror rubbing myself.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day…
I wake up at seven. This isn’t because I’m healthy. This isn’t because I have work. It isn’t anything to do with a night of drinking, and it’s nothing to do with getting some Sunday-morning love from the missus. I wake at seven because a giant drooling retard is licking my window from the outside, and with every lap of his disgustingly swollen tongue the glass screams.
Putting on my slippers, which are beautiful and warm, I pull out my mammary glands and use them to fight away the drooling retard. It’s not a particularly fierce battle, like you may be expecting, but after all, it’s a retard, and though I don’t know what mammary glands are, we can only assume Joel Veitch has scary ones.
After fighting away the drooling retard, I am tired. So I go back to bed. Alas, when I awake my day is almost up. So, knowing what I have to do, I quickly travel to wherever Noel Edmonds lives and fuck him up the arse, before shooting him. I will then shoot his friend, Monsieur Blobby who says he wouldn’t rat me out, but he would, and then I retreat home. As I settle down to sleep, I’m comforted by the knowledge that I will be safe tomorrow, whilst Joel Veitch will be imprisoned for the murder and rape of, erm, I’ve forgotten. Was it a drooling retard?
Les End