Rathergood Competition
My old chum Joel Veitch has recently taken leave of his senses and turned from dodgy flash animation to the production of soft toys.
He sent me through a batch the other day and I was rather pleased to see, not only are they not shit, they actually are very nice indeed.
So I decided that B3ta readers should have a chance to win some, so I got on the blower and demanded free toys for the B3ta massive.
First off, you’ll probably want to see some photos, lovingly photographed by me in B3ta Towers. This one, for example, on the official B3ta shitter. (A toilet I’ve crapped in at least 3000 times, and I estimate that Jonti Picking has shat in it probably 500 times. Joel? He’s probably only pissed in it.)
Then I tried to get clever and make a tribute to the classic internet website, “bonsai kitten.”
And to finish off, why not have all Joel’s crew in my wifes handbag?
Anyway, to stand a chance of winning the little critters, I need you to complete this tie-breaker in 15 words or less.
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
Add you entries to the comments section on this post. Winners will be announced on the 24th of Nov. Good luck.
BTW: If you would like to buy Joels toys without having to enter a pesky competition then you might want to look at his shop.
UPDATE: Winners! We’re all winners!
Right. I’ve picked the winners, basically on what amused me at 2 in the morning. Judges decision is final etc. So four of you get one lovely toy each.
If you was Joel Veitch for the day you would…
- RAPE THE QUEEN IN HER GAPING ANUS. (Noctu)
- murder every cunt that had ever crossed me in one glorious day of vengeance. (Ben)
- I’d have a cock! So masturbate till my cock blistered and my palms bled. Nice. (Ree)
- Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just the once. (Mong The Merciless Says)
I’ll be passing your email address onto Mrs Veitch so that she can send them out. Huzzah.
if i was joel for the day i would make a cool song and animation about my real identity, and then be going around smug as joel veitch had turned me into one of his weird characters. woo and yay
If I was Joel Veitch for the day, I’d find myself and have his pancreas transplanted to my body. Then I would inform the insurance company that is b*ggering me for extra cash of this exchange and have Joel’s pancreas bring down my insurance costs. I would also buy a nice hat…on Joel’s credit card.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would act like Joel Veitch.
15 words total, or 15 words including “If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
If it is indeed the former:
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would exert all my considerable influence towards making the worlds most delectable sandwich.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would, be stuck in one of those goddamn roundabouts for days.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… no really I would… honest…
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I’d wank myself sill and wipe my cock over all the plus prizes and make sure that the only people to win them were really ugly teenage girls knowing that when their mother woke them up in the morning she’d smell the stale spunk and assume her daughter was a slut even though she’s pig ugly (p’ugly?) and be grateful thinking that if someone would shag her she’d be able to move the monstrous girl out of the house and rent the room to a dozen Polish boys who would service both her boiler and her while her husband was at work making “finest range” sausages at the abortion clinic.
that should read “wank myself SILLY” and “PLUSH prizes” but I was so overcome at the idea of sausages at the abortion clinic I had to knock one out and my hands are still unsteady. Sorry.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
Wish for three more wishes.
If I were Joel I would go for a mornings worth of bear slaying and being all manly, before sleeping with MissKittyKate all afternoon whilst singing the horny songs of SSOL. Yeah baby yeah.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would have irriversable surgery, so that when he took over the body the next day, he would have had huge grapefruit growing from his bottom, as I had his DNA altered,also, he would be able to breath under water, and make peker and gonad models from balloons.Me, That’s what I’d do, me! count Otto von Kruger (OK 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9….)
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…spend an entire day playing with my newly acquired penis, then read all the responses to the contest, laugh at them all, and tell everyone that I’d changed my mind and would be keeping all the strange little animals that everyone thought they were competing for.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…realize that Anastacia can’t count to 15 and pick her anyway.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would Hijack Kojak.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… Stay at home and mastubate the whole time. Because I would have a penis.
if i was joel veitch i wouldn’t bother
If I was Joel Veitch I would burn in hell for…everything (and for pleasure, being the sick-minded Veitch that I am!
If I was Joel Veitch I’d kill myself…merely so that I could turn in my grave as a response to this web-page!
If I was Joel Veitch for the day, I would laugh heartily at this entry and give whoever wrote it a big fucking prize for being so hilarious
i would go out on the piss, try and pull as many girls as possible (with the chat up line, hi there, i design websites, im ultimately the coolest person in here), then get bored and come on to lots of gay blokes, then when the come in for the kiss laugh at there face and poke them in the belly and run off with their cigarettes. actulaly, could do that anyway (its always fun). in fact, if i was joewl for the day i would (as well as masterbate) go down to 10 downig st, (or as close as possible due to the bloody labour reforms) and try and start a ritualist killing spree – anyone wearing anything wooly would be sacrificed unto the god of sheep, bahhthran. Either that or just try and break into the PM office wearing nothing but a gsrting. hmm
oh , 15 words or less. i would go rape someone from greenland – we dont hear enough about greenlandians, they need a good rapeage to get them in the news
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
change back.
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would stand naked in front of the mirror jumping up and down… Yeah… Yeah, that’s it bitch, jump, JUMP for me, oh fuck yeah, that’s it, that’s it…… OooOOh….
*lights cigarette*
If I was Joel Veitch I’d use more than 15 words, to demonstrate my rebelliousness.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would probably be very confused due to being a in differently proportioned body.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… sit around and make little web toons to the delight of losers and odder ameri-brit people all over this fine country.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
kill myself.
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I would… Kill myself
If I was Joel Veitch for the day,
I would look for the King and Queen of Kittens,
Then I’d kneel down before them
Whilst pledging my undying most fluffy allegiance.
Feeling proud of my brand new title:
Mouse Baby of Honour
I would march with the Kitten War veterans
(Later We’d drink single cream together
Telling tails for the Great Ball of String.)
As Dawn arrives on her velo motor
And I’m thrust dancing on the crumpety moon.
I’d mew softly Thethingsthatmakeyougoaah anthem
Taking pctures of me to make you all croon
A grand day it would be in Joel’s pink skin,
And I’d leave it clean and ready for him.
Dip my ass in blue housepaint and press my butt-cheeks on the windows of chinese restaraunts.
I would make a small incision in my scrotum.
below the base of the penis)
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would … make sure that it could … never …. ever …. happen again!
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I’d be worried that I didn’t know how to pronounce my surname. Then I’d do wees standing up.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would try and make something funny.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… have sex with with his quite fit wife for fucking hours
15 words? fifteen bloody words? How the bloody hell can you reply in any meaningful
If I was Joel for a day I would go around and give everybody Crabs.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would send toys to Dr Shamoon.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
… check he wasn’t using these suggestions to wreck havoc by being me for a day.
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…stick my head up my arse to see if I could come out my mouth.
I darent try it on my own body, it would make an awful mess I think
I’d have probably not given you the toys, but since he has, GIVE THEM ME!
I would buy a hot mustang car and get crabs airbrushed all over it
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
Id have a cock! So masturbate till my cock blistered and my palms bled. Nice.
If I was Joel for the day I would secretly fill a petrol station up with 70000 litres of Jizz instead of petrol and watch the ensuing chaos from my master control centre just off the M6.
Masturbate all day to see if it feels different being someone else.
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
flush that goddamn gold handbag down the toilet
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
Pray I was not soluble…
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…certainly kill myself for being the only living man knowing the horrible secret of the moon monkeys!
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would be very gratefull as I’m a puppet with a big nose.
.. I would melt down all the dangerous spoons, and make a ladder to the moon.