Rathergood Competition
My old chum Joel Veitch has recently taken leave of his senses and turned from dodgy flash animation to the production of soft toys.
He sent me through a batch the other day and I was rather pleased to see, not only are they not shit, they actually are very nice indeed.
So I decided that B3ta readers should have a chance to win some, so I got on the blower and demanded free toys for the B3ta massive.
First off, you’ll probably want to see some photos, lovingly photographed by me in B3ta Towers. This one, for example, on the official B3ta shitter. (A toilet I’ve crapped in at least 3000 times, and I estimate that Jonti Picking has shat in it probably 500 times. Joel? He’s probably only pissed in it.)
Then I tried to get clever and make a tribute to the classic internet website, “bonsai kitten.”
And to finish off, why not have all Joel’s crew in my wifes handbag?
Anyway, to stand a chance of winning the little critters, I need you to complete this tie-breaker in 15 words or less.
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
Add you entries to the comments section on this post. Winners will be announced on the 24th of Nov. Good luck.
BTW: If you would like to buy Joels toys without having to enter a pesky competition then you might want to look at his shop.
UPDATE: Winners! We’re all winners!
Right. I’ve picked the winners, basically on what amused me at 2 in the morning. Judges decision is final etc. So four of you get one lovely toy each.
If you was Joel Veitch for the day you would…
- RAPE THE QUEEN IN HER GAPING ANUS. (Noctu)
- murder every cunt that had ever crossed me in one glorious day of vengeance. (Ben)
- I’d have a cock! So masturbate till my cock blistered and my palms bled. Nice. (Ree)
- Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just the once. (Mong The Merciless Says)
I’ll be passing your email address onto Mrs Veitch so that she can send them out. Huzzah.
November 15th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would shag his girlfriend. Failing that, I would make sexual propositions to all his male friends. I would also attach a webcam to my forehead so I could watch the fallout the next day.
November 15th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… make him sleep with his own sister with the knowledge thereafter.
not cos its him, just that i am in a sick mood.
November 15th, 2006 at 6:09 pm
I would use Rob’s shitter - again and again.
November 15th, 2006 at 6:14 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would break into Whitehall and Buckingham Palace and moon the Politicians and the Royals alike!
November 15th, 2006 at 6:16 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would cover myself in honey and run naked across Hampstead Heath. Maintaining his normal daily behaviour.
November 15th, 2006 at 6:22 pm
If i was Joel Veitch for the day, I would change my first name to TheThird.
November 15th, 2006 at 6:22 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I’d change my surname by deed poll to something easier to spell. And bum men.
November 15th, 2006 at 6:27 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would compress 40 cows into Huw Edwards’ sitting room, and sell my story to the sport.
November 15th, 2006 at 6:42 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would pork chopperly.
November 15th, 2006 at 6:45 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would prance around London, wearing naught but my socks, and proclaim myself King of the Crabs.
November 15th, 2006 at 6:52 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day i would lie underneath his desk and stick my tongue in the gaps between his toes whilst he worked. I would also let my hampster run up his trouserlegs and wipe my bottom with his socks.
November 15th, 2006 at 7:00 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for a day, I’d use his skills to do great good for world peace and human understanding. Or take over the world.
Either or, really.
November 15th, 2006 at 7:06 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would fly to America and visit the woman I heard on the radio last year talking about the “Sponge Monkeys” and I would quietly educate her by SHOUTING IN HER FACE THEY ARE FUCKING SPONG MONKEYS NOT SPONGE MONKEYS YOU STUPID HAG GET IT RIGHT IT’S REALLY NOT THAT FUCKING DIFFICULT. Then I would fly home again and have a spot of tea.
November 15th, 2006 at 7:09 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would rush to my and make sure he wasn’t dicking about with my life.
November 15th, 2006 at 7:10 pm
If I was Joel Vietch for the day I would yum all the biccies and sing about it with my mouth full.
November 15th, 2006 at 7:14 pm
my comment makes no sense because I forgot to add the word “body”. ho hum
November 15th, 2006 at 7:16 pm
Just give up…. Or accept my fate.
November 15th, 2006 at 7:18 pm
I WOULD RAPE THE QUEEN IN HER GAPING ANUS.
And get away with it.
This time.
November 15th, 2006 at 7:21 pm
If I was Joel Vietch for the day… I’d cheat at hide and seek. One, Two, Three, Nine, Ten..COMING READY OR NOT.
November 15th, 2006 at 7:26 pm
If I were Joel Vietch for the day, I would proposition companies to use my (his) body as their corporate schill. Donate the money to a shady charity. I’d (We’d) then walk around London proclaiming said companies products to be “wundermous” and that folks “would rather enjoy them”. Most likely without clothes.
November 15th, 2006 at 7:35 pm
If I were Joel Vietch for the day, blah blah blah no mental energy to write a competition entry, just seeing how far taking the piss gets me, blah blah etc
November 15th, 2006 at 8:23 pm
Oops I did not read the thing about the fifteen words so here is my
November 15th, 2006 at 8:27 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would knob a bottle of Crusher.
November 15th, 2006 at 8:36 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… give all those toys and large cutouts of viking kittens to Heffrey. Please. Thank you.
November 15th, 2006 at 9:17 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would probably be able to count to fifteen instead of fucking up my entry to the competition.
November 16th, 2006 at 12:33 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I’d royally beat the fuck out of Bob Geldof, Bono and anyone else starting with B who begs.
November 16th, 2006 at 2:21 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
…only use his penis for the power of good and betterment of mankind.
November 16th, 2006 at 2:51 am
comment
November 16th, 2006 at 3:18 am
If I was Joel for the day I’d beat the shit out of my Radio 1 DJ partner JK for being an utter prick. I’d then shag his Mrs, Suzanne Shaw.
November 16th, 2006 at 7:57 am
If I was Joel for the day I would seek national fame and noteriety by sending Richard Branson a pair of Holly and Jessica soft toys with the Virgin logo imprinted on their t-shirts.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:25 am
If I was Joel for the day I would say “Hello, I am Joel” instead of “Hello, I am Paul”.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:30 am
…miss being me.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:32 am
If i was Joel Veitch for the day I would…..
Sit in the corner and think about what I had done.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:39 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
murder every cunt that had ever crossed me in one glorious day of vengeance.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:40 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
probably do exactly the same as what I did today and the day before that and the day before that.
But with more sexy results.
And I could probably shoot lasers from my arse or something.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:41 am
I would let The Horizontal Monster Mash win this Rathergood Competition for this witty comment.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:48 am
If i was Joel Veitch for the day I would employ an army of small asian children to make my fluffy toys and make a fortune and share it with the nice Swany.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:48 am
If I was Joel for a day I would be pretty worried, have also been each of the Spice Girls over the last week.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:54 am
If I were Joel Veitch for a day I would wake up, have a wank, go back to bed and hope it was all better the next morning…
November 17th, 2006 at 11:05 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would use the infraweb to spread world peace through fluffiness and filth
November 17th, 2006 at 11:10 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would change my name legaly to scalliwag munters knee the fifth, because i know how much it hurts not to be called that ..
November 17th, 2006 at 11:14 am
..probably not have to enter this competition.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:19 am
If I was Joel Vietch for the day, I would enter a competition asking me what i’d do if I was Joel Vietch for the day.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:20 am
If i was Joel Veitch for the day I would wank it hard.
I was gonna do that anyway that day…
November 17th, 2006 at 11:20 am
…have a wank.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:22 am
If i was Joel Veitch for the day I would….. use immense amounts of colour and kittens in next fridays b3ta and crap in handbag
November 17th, 2006 at 11:28 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
Control the world with Blode and his Giant Bee
November 17th, 2006 at 11:28 am
If i was Joel Veitch for the day I would…..
…probably confuse my lecturer by not answering to my former name…
…then he’d say “is there anyone i havent called out yet?”, and i’d say “me”; then there would be a 2-3 minute conversation where i explained that i was Joel Veitch for a day and he’d looked bemused. Also, someone would probably ask me about it during the fag break before having a collective moan about having to write an essay discussing the relationship between music and noise. Then i’d probably go to sainsburys and buy some dinner before going home.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:32 am
………have bottled Danni minogues piss when I had the chance. Some sicko would have paid loads for it on eBay!!!
November 17th, 2006 at 11:32 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would shit out my cock, or something equally magical. Possibly involving crabs. Yesyes.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:33 am
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I would go and make sure that he wasn’t being me… Ugh!
November 17th, 2006 at 11:33 am
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I would…
…probably have to learn to spell “Veitch” with the i and the e in the right place, dammit.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:34 am
If I was Joel for a day I would be backward and be leoj (but only yad a rof). I could get into alsorts of backwards japes , most of which would be rather ordinary and not really funny at all .
Yours Ylad Luap (reggins)
November 17th, 2006 at 11:53 am
If I was Joel for a day I would sell the rights to all of his Animations and Fluffy Toys to Paul Saunders for 1p. I would then shag his wife, drink his booze, smoke anything he had that was smokeable, see if I could shag my wife (to see if she was the type that cheated on me with ugly dirty bastards) and then empty his bank account!
I would also drive fucking fast past hundreds of speed cameras in his car and let him get the tickets!
November 17th, 2006 at 11:54 am
If I was Joel for a day I’d quit dicking about with computers and get a REAL job!
November 17th, 2006 at 11:55 am
If I were Joel Veitch for a day, I would sit around and wonder what it would be like to be General Tom for a day.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would. I definately would.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:04 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for a day I guess i woulden’t be stuck for some witty comment the write here !!
November 17th, 2006 at 12:08 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes,
November 17th, 2006 at 12:09 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for a day I would realise that it’s nearly 2007 and stop doing the same shitty animations for fuck’s sake.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
If i were Joel Veitch for a day i would walk around narrating what i see in a blode-esque fashion
November 17th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for a day…
…I would spend the day sipping exotic drinks from a coconut(with an umbrella in it), while reclining in a large bathtub of cherry Jello, totally naked save for aviator sunglasses, a Captain’s hat & a fake mustache.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
If I was Joel Vietch for a day, I’d hunt down all the wankers who try to win some of his fluffy things without even knowing how to spell his name. Oh, and something horribly original and funny involving someone else’s wife. Go me!
November 17th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
If i was Joel Veitch for the day, i would eat a dick!
November 17th, 2006 at 12:33 pm
If i were Joel Veitch for a day i would fart.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:37 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would make it, errrrm, a Friday.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:38 pm
…i would break out the gimp suit and a bucket of ghee, then march up to beckingham palace and do the beast with two backs with that spicy girl while broadcasting it live for a hefty fee. all proceedings would be donated to the pro-seal-clubbing lobby of course.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:40 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would thank me for letting him pass his master’s degree. Because I was his external examiner.
He was heading for a fail, because his tutors admired his Flash skills, but clearly all the work he submitted was NSFW. But his work made me and the other external piss ourselves laughing. So we passed him.
Mine’s a Stella, thanks Joel.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:48 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
write a folk song about weevils. It would top the charts. Oh yes
November 17th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for a day - I would make sure that it was on the day that I was judging this competition.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:53 pm
If I was Joel Vietch for the day. it looks I would probably be into plushies…
November 17th, 2006 at 12:56 pm
And I would take out the ‘that’ so it looked like I could count …
November 17th, 2006 at 12:59 pm
If i were joel for the day, that would probably make him me. Sorry Joel.
anyway,
If i were joel veitch for a day, i’d make an album with 7sol. then send Sam Parker me a signed copy. then playing a live gig in sheffield.[\hint] then give run naked through the streets of clowne or some other action so random it defys the point of typing it.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:02 pm
“If I was Joel for a day I would masturbate in my own faeces”
November 17th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
[ If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would.. ] create a flash paradoy of the Beatles “Come Together” with all members wanking hard
November 17th, 2006 at 1:08 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for a day I would go to Hull.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:17 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I’d take tons of pictures of myself sitting around the flat eating biscuits, wearing nothing but surf shorts and a mining hat. Then I’d post the pictures on a site owned by the real me and make huge amounts of cash on these scandalous pictures. This would be of benefit for the real Joel. As I understand it he is in a rock band of some kind and everyone knows that this kind of publicity cannot be bought. Just look at that Paris chick, she humps a boyfriend on video and comes out of it even more famous. And since we all know the market for surf-miner biscuit-eating porn is where it all happens right now, Joel will for sure be on the cover of every tabloid within a mere week.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would have a very small penis.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:21 pm
I would only acknowledge individuals who referred to me by the following anagram of my name - He Jive Colt.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for a day… I would verb a noun until it verbed an adverb adjective noun into Blode
November 17th, 2006 at 1:27 pm
If I was Joel for the day I would…
…have sex with myself. Repeatedly. Oh yes.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:28 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for a day I would fuck the mirror…..then fuck the mirror again…etc.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
If I was Joel Vietch for a day, I would spend 24 hours making new animations. They are fucking brilliant, especialy the one with the viking kittens. Being Joel Vietch and all, I would of course know this and expect that everybody in this whole stinking world is sitting at their computers, waiting for each new song. Oh, and the whole time I’m creating my new animations, I would be singing, “My name is joel, I am fucking brilliant… the entire world worships at my feet, even silly Hitler, who is alive and well and living in southern california with his minions of vegie emos… la la la”
November 17th, 2006 at 1:31 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would just prance around and rub it in everyones face.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:35 pm
If i were Joel Veitch for a day, I’d flip out like a ninja (cos that’s what ninja’s do) Yeah, I’d probably flip out like a ninja, and you should flip out too!!!
November 17th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
If i were Joel Veitch for a day i would have “Media Whore” tattooed on my forehead.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:40 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would tell rude jokes to the Queen.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:42 pm
Spend the whole god dmaned day shagging his wife. Though, if I were him for the day, she’d by my wife. Anyhow, I’d shag her till it fell off.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:52 pm
If I were Joel for the day…
I’d flip out like a Ninja. Coz thats what Ninjas do.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:59 pm
… wish that I was someone else.
November 17th, 2006 at 2:01 pm
If i was Joel Veitch for the day, I certainly would not spam this wossname with a post about garden buildings, I would sit quietly in the corner and snort some of that b3ta love, then wake up the next morning with a guilt that no comedic cartoons that involve kittens could ever quell.
November 17th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would sign away my body to be plastinated by Gunther von Hagens in the classic Badger Dance pose - a lasting monument to dancing badgers everywhere.
November 17th, 2006 at 2:10 pm
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…” buy my cat some pussy crackers and then drink a pint while buggering off.
November 17th, 2006 at 2:13 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would ring up other popular web animators and say “Hello! I make things for telly and I’ve a line of merchandise now!” then laugh and hang up. Just like Jonti does.
November 17th, 2006 at 2:52 pm
…I would like to point out that Sean’s post was not up when I typed mine. Incidentally - mine’s within the wordcount.
November 17th, 2006 at 2:58 pm
If i was Joel Veitch for the day I would quit my band…we’re shit
November 17th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
………..I would be very, very, very silly.
November 17th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
rip off weebl toys for big buk$, and tk ovr teh wrld wv smlr wrdz
November 17th, 2006 at 4:07 pm
… dress as a ninja kitten and wash car windscreens at the light’s with my piss!
November 17th, 2006 at 4:23 pm
…eat Hammermith. And possibly shit it out over Westminster.
November 17th, 2006 at 4:47 pm
if i was joel for the day i would make a cool song and animation about my real identity, and then be going around smug as joel veitch had turned me into one of his weird characters. woo and yay
November 17th, 2006 at 4:57 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day, I’d find myself and have his pancreas transplanted to my body. Then I would inform the insurance company that is b*ggering me for extra cash of this exchange and have Joel’s pancreas bring down my insurance costs. I would also buy a nice hat…on Joel’s credit card.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would act like Joel Veitch.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:02 pm
15 words total, or 15 words including “If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
If it is indeed the former:
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would exert all my considerable influence towards making the worlds most delectable sandwich.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:10 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would, be stuck in one of those goddamn roundabouts for days.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:12 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… no really I would… honest…
November 17th, 2006 at 5:25 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I’d wank myself sill and wipe my cock over all the plus prizes and make sure that the only people to win them were really ugly teenage girls knowing that when their mother woke them up in the morning she’d smell the stale spunk and assume her daughter was a slut even though she’s pig ugly (p’ugly?) and be grateful thinking that if someone would shag her she’d be able to move the monstrous girl out of the house and rent the room to a dozen Polish boys who would service both her boiler and her while her husband was at work making “finest range” sausages at the abortion clinic.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
that should read “wank myself SILLY” and “PLUSH prizes” but I was so overcome at the idea of sausages at the abortion clinic I had to knock one out and my hands are still unsteady. Sorry.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:04 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
Wish for three more wishes.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
If I were Joel I would go for a mornings worth of bear slaying and being all manly, before sleeping with MissKittyKate all afternoon whilst singing the horny songs of SSOL. Yeah baby yeah.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:29 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would have irriversable surgery, so that when he took over the body the next day, he would have had huge grapefruit growing from his bottom, as I had his DNA altered,also, he would be able to breath under water, and make peker and gonad models from balloons.Me, That’s what I’d do, me! count Otto von Kruger (OK 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9….)
November 17th, 2006 at 6:32 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…spend an entire day playing with my newly acquired penis, then read all the responses to the contest, laugh at them all, and tell everyone that I’d changed my mind and would be keeping all the strange little animals that everyone thought they were competing for.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:33 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…realize that Anastacia can’t count to 15 and pick her anyway.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:42 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would Hijack Kojak.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:06 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… Stay at home and mastubate the whole time. Because I would have a penis.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:07 pm
if i was joel veitch i wouldn’t bother
November 17th, 2006 at 8:15 pm
If I was Joel Veitch I would burn in hell for…everything (and for pleasure, being the sick-minded Veitch that I am!
November 17th, 2006 at 8:16 pm
If I was Joel Veitch I’d kill myself…merely so that I could turn in my grave as a response to this web-page!
November 17th, 2006 at 9:05 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day, I would laugh heartily at this entry and give whoever wrote it a big fucking prize for being so hilarious
November 17th, 2006 at 9:25 pm
i would go out on the piss, try and pull as many girls as possible (with the chat up line, hi there, i design websites, im ultimately the coolest person in here), then get bored and come on to lots of gay blokes, then when the come in for the kiss laugh at there face and poke them in the belly and run off with their cigarettes. actulaly, could do that anyway (its always fun). in fact, if i was joewl for the day i would (as well as masterbate) go down to 10 downig st, (or as close as possible due to the bloody labour reforms) and try and start a ritualist killing spree - anyone wearing anything wooly would be sacrificed unto the god of sheep, bahhthran. Either that or just try and break into the PM office wearing nothing but a gsrting. hmm
November 17th, 2006 at 9:27 pm
oh , 15 words or less. i would go rape someone from greenland - we dont hear enough about greenlandians, they need a good rapeage to get them in the news
November 17th, 2006 at 9:41 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
change back.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:08 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would stand naked in front of the mirror jumping up and down… Yeah… Yeah, that’s it bitch, jump, JUMP for me, oh fuck yeah, that’s it, that’s it…… OooOOh….
*lights cigarette*
November 17th, 2006 at 10:13 pm
If I was Joel Veitch I’d use more than 15 words, to demonstrate my rebelliousness.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:14 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would probably be very confused due to being a in differently proportioned body.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:38 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… sit around and make little web toons to the delight of losers and odder ameri-brit people all over this fine country.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:21 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
kill myself.
November 18th, 2006 at 1:12 am
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I would… Kill myself
November 18th, 2006 at 2:40 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day,
I would look for the King and Queen of Kittens,
Then I’d kneel down before them
Whilst pledging my undying most fluffy allegiance.
Feeling proud of my brand new title:
Mouse Baby of Honour
I would march with the Kitten War veterans
(Later We’d drink single cream together
Telling tails for the Great Ball of String.)
As Dawn arrives on her velo motor
And I’m thrust dancing on the crumpety moon.
I’d mew softly Thethingsthatmakeyougoaah anthem
Taking pctures of me to make you all croon
A grand day it would be in Joel’s pink skin,
And I’d leave it clean and ready for him.
November 18th, 2006 at 3:26 am
Dip my ass in blue housepaint and press my butt-cheeks on the windows of chinese restaraunts.
November 18th, 2006 at 3:41 am
I would make a small incision in my scrotum.
below the base of the penis)
November 18th, 2006 at 3:48 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would … make sure that it could … never …. ever …. happen again!
November 18th, 2006 at 4:58 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I’d be worried that I didn’t know how to pronounce my surname. Then I’d do wees standing up.
November 18th, 2006 at 5:23 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would try and make something funny.
November 18th, 2006 at 5:53 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… have sex with with his quite fit wife for fucking hours
November 18th, 2006 at 6:01 am
15 words? fifteen bloody words? How the bloody hell can you reply in any meaningful
November 18th, 2006 at 6:22 am
If I was Joel for a day I would go around and give everybody Crabs.
November 18th, 2006 at 6:29 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would send toys to Dr Shamoon.
November 18th, 2006 at 6:45 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
… check he wasn’t using these suggestions to wreck havoc by being me for a day.
November 18th, 2006 at 7:19 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…stick my head up my arse to see if I could come out my mouth.
I darent try it on my own body, it would make an awful mess I think
November 18th, 2006 at 7:25 am
I’d have probably not given you the toys, but since he has, GIVE THEM ME!
November 18th, 2006 at 8:30 am
I would buy a hot mustang car and get crabs airbrushed all over it
November 18th, 2006 at 9:02 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
Id have a cock! So masturbate till my cock blistered and my palms bled. Nice.
November 18th, 2006 at 9:26 am
If I was Joel for the day I would secretly fill a petrol station up with 70000 litres of Jizz instead of petrol and watch the ensuing chaos from my master control centre just off the M6.
November 18th, 2006 at 9:26 am
Masturbate all day to see if it feels different being someone else.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:45 am
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
flush that goddamn gold handbag down the toilet
November 18th, 2006 at 10:45 am
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
Pray I was not soluble…
November 18th, 2006 at 10:55 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…certainly kill myself for being the only living man knowing the horrible secret of the moon monkeys!
November 18th, 2006 at 11:00 am
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would be very gratefull as I’m a puppet with a big nose.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:18 am
.. I would melt down all the dangerous spoons, and make a ladder to the moon.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:21 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would make official B3ta CDC toys and sell them in Gay Bars for bum sex!
November 18th, 2006 at 11:24 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would eat ants
November 18th, 2006 at 11:29 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would change the name of the registered company and account holder to me, then look forward to all of you buying lots of toys from me.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:06 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would buy a plucked plump chicken and a a large jar of vaseline from Tescos.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:08 pm
…I would animate some penguins and sell my soul to an ad agency for money.
No, really, I would.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would make a cartoon insulting Mohammed and enjoy the ensuing madness in the following weeks.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I’d roll around in my own shit n piss, happy in the knowledge that I can still earn millions covered in shit via the internet using flash
November 18th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
If I was Joel Vietch for the day I’d eat some crisps, watch the footy, and then go to bed.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
I would probably pen a new song entitled “Nanohazardicity (dangerous drapery)”
after all 4080 people were injured by curtains in 2002*.
*page 25 18/11/2006 Newscientist
November 18th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
be arsed
November 18th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I’d impregnate my man-fanny with my tiny penis in an attempt to clone myself.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:59 pm
If I was Joel for a day I would…
…Give all my money and possesions to B3ta for their “taking over the world” campaign!
November 18th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
If i was Joel Veitch for the day i would be rather confused, and suffer an identity crisis.
November 18th, 2006 at 3:03 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would not enjoy it
November 18th, 2006 at 3:39 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would set fire to fire engines and bask in the glow of it’s irony. Or flame.
November 18th, 2006 at 4:29 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would….
Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just the once.
November 18th, 2006 at 4:42 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would be fairly suprised.
November 18th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
… not bother?
Not really! How did you get Steiff to help with the toys?
November 18th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would award Joe Doherty the prize of a bag of toys.
November 18th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
Make sure the transition was for 24 hours only and find out if there was a way of reverting back to myself sooner.
November 18th, 2006 at 6:27 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would do as much as I could to get the word ’spondulas’ into the dictionary. Oh my yes.
November 18th, 2006 at 6:49 pm
if i was joel veitch for the day i would take the band on a tour, the stops being at the wonderous giant pants, the spoonguard headquarters and the lair of the ineffable crab of wisdom.
November 18th, 2006 at 7:00 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for a day…
I would take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror and say “Joel, you need a fucking haircut.”
November 18th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
Two words; BME.
November 18th, 2006 at 7:42 pm
Rape all the Christian Brothers who raped me as a child.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:30 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for a day…
I would shit in the official B3ta shitter just to say I had.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:38 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for a day…
I’d get a spong monkey tattooed on my cock and Food and Blode on my arse cheeks.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:36 pm
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
…continue being gay and let him explain himself the morning after.
November 19th, 2006 at 12:57 am
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would take lots and lots of disgustingly graphic pictures of me shagging the neighbor’s pet hedgehog (male and underage) and mail them all to me (bad monkey) so I could blackmail the little pervo bugger for even more little stuffed toys than this contest is willing to give the winner.
November 19th, 2006 at 1:01 am
If I was Joel Veitch for a day……(oops like some I didn’t read the 15 words or less thingamajig)…..
I would paint my schlong to resemble an Eskimo club, then rape a baby seal.
November 19th, 2006 at 1:03 am
If I was Joel Veitch for a day………
……I would hijack a plane and fly it into the World Trade Mosque!!! Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhooooooowwwwwwiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
November 19th, 2006 at 4:20 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would …
love fuck drink hit lick smoke pick perve look think touch stink piss and die
November 19th, 2006 at 6:29 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would get a facelift and make my penis smaller, just so i could see the look on his face the day after. also, i would eat lots of pie.
November 19th, 2006 at 7:06 am
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would… sell myself out for the money.
November 19th, 2006 at 7:38 am
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would . . .
HAVE A WANK!
November 19th, 2006 at 7:44 am
“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”
throw a queenie fit and take my prizes back. And then grow a crap beard.
November 19th, 2006 at 8:49 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day: At 11:59:58 pm I would throw a large stone at a wasps nest.
November 19th, 2006 at 8:57 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would choose Chom as the winner of my competition.
November 19th, 2006 at 10:52 am
If I were Joel Veitch for the day, I’d hang out, have a sandwich, and let Joel Veitch — who would logically be me for the day — entertain my friends by making animations using their faces/pets.
November 19th, 2006 at 11:04 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would eat all the contents of this fridge then hide somewhere in the house and giggle to my full up self.
November 19th, 2006 at 12:43 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would sleep with my mother.
November 19th, 2006 at 1:00 pm
If I were Joe Wench for a day I would admit I was the original goatse guy.
What? Joel Veitch? Never heard of him.
November 19th, 2006 at 1:34 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would stop making these things and do something else.
November 19th, 2006 at 3:00 pm
if i were joel veitch for the day I would change his will so i get all his money, then kill myself.
[evil laugh to self]
November 19th, 2006 at 4:04 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for the day, I’d have money.
November 19th, 2006 at 4:07 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would … do something constructive for a change.
If you allow this to win I shall be rather upset plus I’d probably burn said toys or worse yet, give them away as presents as I am a cheap bastard.
Yours sincerely
Dave of the North
November 19th, 2006 at 4:56 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would cum on a midget
November 19th, 2006 at 6:33 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for the day,I would let the cat piss all over those fucking competition prizes.
November 19th, 2006 at 7:47 pm
If I was Joel for a day I would…. Stand in front of a mirror rubbing myself.
November 19th, 2006 at 8:13 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day…
I wake up at seven. This isn’t because I’m healthy. This isn’t because I have work. It isn’t anything to do with a night of drinking, and it’s nothing to do with getting some Sunday-morning love from the missus. I wake at seven because a giant drooling retard is licking my window from the outside, and with every lap of his disgustingly swollen tongue the glass screams.
Putting on my slippers, which are beautiful and warm, I pull out my mammary glands and use them to fight away the drooling retard. It’s not a particularly fierce battle, like you may be expecting, but after all, it’s a retard, and though I don’t know what mammary glands are, we can only assume Joel Veitch has scary ones.
After fighting away the drooling retard, I am tired. So I go back to bed. Alas, when I awake my day is almost up. So, knowing what I have to do, I quickly travel to wherever Noel Edmonds lives and fuck him up the arse, before shooting him. I will then shoot his friend, Monsieur Blobby who says he wouldn’t rat me out, but he would, and then I retreat home. As I settle down to sleep, I’m comforted by the knowledge that I will be safe tomorrow, whilst Joel Veitch will be imprisoned for the murder and rape of, erm, I’ve forgotten. Was it a drooling retard?
Les End
November 19th, 2006 at 8:16 pm
Wait, shit, word count, me, Veitch, what kind of name’s that? I’d change it.
November 20th, 2006 at 12:19 am
… go on a killing rampage, eliminating then eating my only true rivals Rob and Jonti.
November 20th, 2006 at 2:18 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would get a proper job or cancer of the knob
November 20th, 2006 at 3:02 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would ask a Psychiatrist if I had Multiple Personality Disorder
November 20th, 2006 at 3:08 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day… I would slash my hands to shreds with a corn beef tin and run through the streets of Weymouth shouting Louis Walsh qoutes like ‘you remind me of a young Leo Sayer’
November 20th, 2006 at 3:16 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would dress up as a giant man/crab combo and visit different parts of london, hang on…
…what…
…what do you mean he’s aready done that? when?…
…oh, for fuck sake, everything been done these days, oh well.
November 20th, 2006 at 3:47 am
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would push all manner of household objects down his urethra franklin, so that when he returned to his own body the next day he would have to visit A+E, and explain to the pretty nurses why he had all bottles of Cillit Bang and balloon whisks crammed down his jap’s eye.
November 20th, 2006 at 5:15 am
If I was Joel Veitch for a day I would build a time machine then go back and stop myself (joel) from building the time maching in the first place … now thats a waist of time.
November 20th, 2006 at 6:23 am
If i was Joel for the day I would use my influence on this site to make sure the organisers of the “Win a Sofa” competition all get spanked without pants for never actually picking a winner (or if they did the b3stards never told me) after I had gone to the trouble of sending them photos of my 22 stone pig flattening my sofa. My husband is now divorcing me and I am sitting on the floor every night, so a soft toy might be nice to lean on and make the cold hard floor less cold and hard.
November 20th, 2006 at 6:46 am
If i was Joel Veitch for the day, i would get the crab of ineffable wisdom to snip off my arse raspberries and clagnuts, and then make him feed it to the poor. I would then make Blode’s giant bee, bum Blode repeatedly with his bee-sting tail and then as a climax - harpoon Blode in his small intestine, via his lubed up rectal cavity. Cue a fountain of shit!
November 20th, 2006 at 7:02 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would film scat porn with Rob, then upload it to the internet for all to see.
November 20th, 2006 at 7:36 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would probably initiate a cycle of self doubt culminating in the propagation of an entire family of smaller doubts which would end disasterously in the egregious and utterly demoralising climax of late afternoon daytime tv, also I might purchase a pink fairy armadillo which I would name Terence and pretend was my wife for old times sake.
November 20th, 2006 at 7:39 am
If I were Joel Veitch for a day, I would…
ingest poison that takes 24 hours to kill. Then think about what it means to kill, whilst committing crimes.
November 20th, 2006 at 9:34 am
If i was Joel Veitch for a day i would…
act perfectly normal except donate all his worldly possessions to charity, for spacker kids with cancer or similar, so he’d feel too guilty to ask for it back. His life would essentially be ruined, with the double irony of being admired as a genuinely selfless person by all his mates for the rest of his (probably bitter, short and sorry) life.
oh and i’d stick a star wars figure up my/joel’s bum before i went to bed, because the thought of joel waking up and shitting out an R2D2 in a state of drowsy befuddlement the next morning will be something i can smile about well into my twighlight years
November 20th, 2006 at 9:50 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day, I would bake a cake and lick the batter right off the spoon. Mmmm.
November 20th, 2006 at 9:58 am
if a was joel id be like who the fuck am i, where is this place, and whats this up my ass?
November 20th, 2006 at 11:01 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day… take you to a gay bar, gay bar and play with the bears.
November 20th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
If I was Joel for a day i’d play with my meat whistle for a bit just to see what it felt like to be a bloke…
Then I’d go to the seaside - find some crabs and take them up in my zeppelin for some tea, magic mushrooms and cunty mints.
Then crash the Zeppelin on Liverpool and kill all the gormless fuckers.
The end.
November 20th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
if i were jo erm….
i’d change my name by deed poll to Jo Veg much bettererer
November 20th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
I would Sing ‘its raining men’ with 7 seconds of love while wearing nothing but an elephant thong ( mind you the kind that have the elephants face on the front and the trunk, well you know) And a can of soup ( cream of brocoli) on me head. I’d then fiddle my meat and veg for a few hours while watching Monty python’s flying circus, and end out the day by having a shagfest with Joel’s girl, just because i am a girl and dont know what its like to be on the giving end. I’d also buy an expensive pair of earings made entirely out of Llama hooves. I’d also possibly go skydiving from the top of big ben, wearing little but white grape Jello. Possibly get arrested yes, But hell i’d have an adventure!
November 20th, 2006 at 12:56 pm
15 words, huh?
Well, lets see.
All i can think
of is Having
a wank.
November 20th, 2006 at 1:51 pm
…I would ridicule the idiot heckler who shouted out that fruit/veg/AIDS joke at my gig in Camden a few weeks ago.
November 20th, 2006 at 3:14 pm
I’d eat lots of jam.
November 20th, 2006 at 4:28 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
die happy, having achieved the ultimate goal in life.
November 20th, 2006 at 6:54 pm
if i were joel i’d slap rob over the face with my cock
November 20th, 2006 at 6:56 pm
I’d have a shit.
November 20th, 2006 at 7:06 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
go round his mum’s house for tea… love that lady
November 20th, 2006 at 9:52 pm
Fly to Quiznos’ World Headquarters and take a Spongmonkey shaped dump on the CEO’s desk.
November 21st, 2006 at 12:23 am
…I would eat bowl after bowl of lovely, lovely porridge. And measure my cock.
November 21st, 2006 at 12:35 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day…
i’d so be drunk right now
November 21st, 2006 at 2:56 am
If i were joel for a day I would use my cute yet subversive comedy to bring about a revolution. Heads would roll, starting with gordon ‘fucking’ ramsey.
November 21st, 2006 at 5:40 am
If i were joel for the day I would … cry!
November 21st, 2006 at 1:53 pm
… get mullered on fine wines and cheeses then hurl expletives at a coffeeshop poetry reading
November 21st, 2006 at 5:22 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day….
I’d switch over to puppies
November 21st, 2006 at 5:27 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
expand the competition to sixteen words so this entry is valid. Then I’d rape baby goats.
November 21st, 2006 at 5:39 pm
If i was joel for the day I would………. rape a soft toy elephant then have a peperami sandwich!
November 21st, 2006 at 5:53 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… Give my mother the plushies, because she is a huge fan, and likes the moon!
November 21st, 2006 at 6:17 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would commit many pointless crimes and random acts of violence - just because I could.
November 22nd, 2006 at 10:28 am
If I were Joel
I’d write lecherous haikus
About teh kittens
November 22nd, 2006 at 10:36 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would award the prize to me creating the worlds first competition paradox.
November 22nd, 2006 at 10:36 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would… hide in my cupboard from all the Mark Chapmans-in-training who enter this competition.
November 22nd, 2006 at 11:34 am
go to france for a shit
November 22nd, 2006 at 11:38 am
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would do absolutely nothing because I’m not a schizophrenic.
November 22nd, 2006 at 1:21 pm
If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…
burn his wife’s handbag, it’s awful. Then i’d eat his toys
November 22nd, 2006 at 2:02 pm
…fake my own death so that when the real Joel Veitch got back to his own body people would think he was dead and he’d have a hard time explaining it all.
November 22nd, 2006 at 9:15 pm
As Joel, I would make an animation with Jesus playing with 7 seconds of love.
November 23rd, 2006 at 1:11 am
Would not have to repair synthesizers for twenty four hours.
November 23rd, 2006 at 2:12 am
If I was Joel for the day I’d fuck his mum then kill her then chop her up and eat her then shit her out then just as Joel was turning back to himself I’d make sure that he had a mouthful of the shit that used to be his mum that he just fucked without realising. Because it was me. So he’d come back to his own conciousness with a gobful of mumshit. Yes. That’s what I’d do.
November 23rd, 2006 at 2:14 am
Hold on that didn’t fit in the word limit. I’ll Try again.
If I was Joel for a day I’d have sex with me so that I could see how awesome it is.
November 23rd, 2006 at 12:11 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I would track my former self down, killing him prevented Joel’s return to his body allowing me to live the rest of my life as a sexgod.
November 23rd, 2006 at 5:20 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I would empty the fuckers bank account into mine, steal all his good computer bits (leaving the shit though), film myself (himself?) having a wank into a sock on his phone and youtube it, then wash my hands as I would have touched his dick and ponder the rest of the day whether his willy is bigger than mine and probably get upset and paranoid that I have a small dick in my real body. Not that I have any hangups about my dick or anything. Or Joel’s. Oh shite that’s way more than 15 words.
How about:
If I were Joel Veitch for a day I would wank into a sock and youtube it. Then wash my hands.
(that’s 14, yay.)
November 23rd, 2006 at 6:21 pm
If I were Joel Veitch for the day I would clone myself and spend the rest of the day wondering if sucking my clones cock made me gay?
Would you swallow?
November 23rd, 2006 at 11:55 pm
If I was Joel for a day I would sing badger badger badger all the day…