Rob Manuel

The Sick Jokes thing is selling well enough for the publisher to start making noises that they’re interested in a follow up.

But what exactly?

I asked a few friends, one said, “I think you should write a ‘proper’ book. How to get 1,000,000 hits in one day. It’d be the bible for viral people everywhere.”

Sadly this would be a very short book, as the only secret is “make it good”.

Or in more detail: Pick an area that you have some insight into, make it easy to comprehend, add a few jokes if you can think of them, tell everyone you know and hope for the best.

So, over to you. Got any ideas?

Photo for illustration purposes only, this ain’t my nasty skanky-ho keyboard

Hi, I’m Rob Manuel and I’ve got a problem with keyboards. A big fucking problem. I can bore for hours on the subject, and so in the small hope that the magic of the internet will get my message to keyboard designers, here’s my rant. Hold onto your hat, it’s going to be a rough ride.

1. Numlock
What is the fucking point of numlock? Why would I ever want to use the numeric keypad as a cursor? Yes I imagine it’s some kind of gay backwards compatibility thing, but it’s just a pain in the arse. The only time I ever press it is by accident and then wonder why the number keys have stopped working.

2. Capslock
Apparently capslock was considered quite useful on typewriters. Probably because TYPING IN CAPS WAS THE ONLY WAY TO DO EMPHASIS. But we have bold now, and the only people who type in caps are the modern green-inkers who send me loony emails about their cats.

Again, it’s a key I press only by accident, normally when filling in a username / password thing, and using tab to change the form focus, missing and end-up adding robmanuelBADGERSEX to the auto-complete. Gah.

Although recently I have found a setting in the control panel to disable the damn thing. Which made me as happy as a pig in shit.

3. Multimedia keys
All those fucking keys at the top of the keyboard. They’re never built like proper keys and always look shoddy and plasticy.

But my problem is more than aesthetics. It’s standardisation. Every last damn keyboard manufacturer has a different idea of what these keys should be doing.

Hence I don’t bother using them as I swap machines a lot between home and offices and don’t want to have conflicting and non-standard keyboard information in my brain. I don’t want to on another PC and automatically stabbing the messenger button, to find it’s opened some shitty sales portal.

And the corporate ego of it all! My old HP keyboard had a internet button that opened the bloody hp.com homepage. What use is that to man or beast? I’ve already bought an HP computer; I don’t need to buy a second.

4. US keyboards
Oh jesus pillocking shit. Who thought it was a good idea to make English and American keyboards different. We speak the same bloody language for gods sake. It’s not like we need a load of twirly umlauts on the keys. The crucial and mind-boggling shit variation is the enter key. On the UK version is nice and large and shaped like an upside down Tetris L brick. The shape is distinctive to the touch and you can easily find it by feel in poor light conditions.

In USA the key is roughly the same shape as the backspace key, with the saved space being used for the backslash / pipe key. Duh, now that’s a brilliant idea isn’t it? Because normal PC operation uses those characters all the time. Probably a hang-over from DOS when your computer was controlled by an arcane series of cryptic symbols. Or small donkeys, I forget now.

5. Colour
Why colour a keyboard cream? Because the manufactures want it to get dirty and you have to buy a new one every three months? Wired magazine once memorably described the gunk as “keyboard plaque”, but the state of some keyboards I’ve seen, it’s more like “keyboard AIDS.” There should be a law that makes all keyboards black. Well, unless you’re a Steve Jobs acolyte and think white keyboards where every bastard button looks like the other is a good idea.

6. Volume control mute
Now, the volume control is one of the few keyboard advancements of recent years that’s a good idea. Using a PC has become a noisy activity, but sometimes you need to answer the phone and being able to quickly hit mute without fiddling with the mouse rocks.

But the small problem is that the mute key often works after the PC is fully booted, meaning that the system “whoosh” noise will play regardless.

Which means using my laptop late at night can wake my family. I’ve taken to keeping an old pair of broken headphones handy so that I can push the jack into the speaker socket and re-route the nasty noises.

7. Sleep button
I’m highly suspicious of the sleep button. In principle it’s great, but I had such a bad experience with the sleep mode crashing the PC and losing my work that I don’t trust it. At least on the recent Microsoft keyboards it’s in the far right corner and difficult to hit by accident. On my old HP keyboard it was place just above the ESC key and I’d hit it when trying to stop a webpage loading, and then go “Argh! My PC is going to die! Don’t die, little computer.”

8. Non-standard insert block
The Microsoft keyboard design team are clearly back on the crack pipe. First they made the insane “natural” keyboard that split the keyboard into two chunks for touch typists. And secondly they’ve recently re-designed the insert block.

Why? All it means is I’m constantly pressing the wrong keys when I try and navigate documents via pagedown and home keys.

I’m sure they did some lovely usability study and worked out it was more efficient or something, but for fucks sake, don’t muck with the standards. I know how to use the old one and don’t want to learn a new one. Haven’t you learnt anything from those crappy Dvorak keyboards that attempted to persuade people to abandon qwerty?

9. Legs
What is the point of giving a keyboard legs? Yes keyboards are more pleasant to type on with a small tilt, so why not simply make the keyboard shaped like a wedge of cheese? It’s a particular sore point for me as I’ve thrown away perfectly good keyboards after accidentally snapping one of the pathetic spindly plastic legs.

10. Function keys
Grr. Another Microsoft “innovation.” On recent keyboards they’ve move the function keys from blocks of four to blocks of three. I can see what they’re trying to achieve here. Visually three is a better shape to help aid the memory: something is either on the left, the middle or the right. However, again this move away from standards results in me pressing the wrong key. For example I regularly press F5 to refresh an internet page, which my brain has hard-wired to know it’s the first key of the second block. Microsoft has moved it to the second key of the second block, hence I now keep keep pressing F4 and wonder why nothing is happening.

… 2 Bonus reasons, there’s no stopping now …

11. F Lock
Oh damn your eyes Microsoft. Is nothing sacred any more? You’re taking my function keys and replacing them with some bollocks about “New, Open and Close”? Ok, the F Lock turns all this off and it stays off which in theory is fine. Except they’ve made the (rather useful for screen grabs) PrtScn key only work whilst F Lock is off. Hence to grab a screen now I have to press three keys instead of one. Nice one, you bunch of keyboard bastards.

12. Wireless
What’s this obsession with making everything wireless? Yes having your laptop connecting to the internet whilst you take a dump in the bog is one of the marvels of the technological age. However we don’t need wireless keyboards on the desktop. I recently was nosing around PC world and except for a shitty £5.00 made of crap thing, that’s all they were selling.

For fucks sake. It’s not an innovation to stick batteries in a keyboard. It’s a pain in the anus. I don’t want to stop typing because my keyboard is out of batteries, it’s just fucking insane.

End bit
Now that I’ve ranted, I really do feel much better. Carry on, as you were. Or why not look on Flickr for some kittens?

UPDATE - Hello to the Digg / Fark readers, and the other blogs linking my rant. BTW: I’ve got a book out, and it’s very rude.

This lovely website you are reading right now is hosted by Dreamhost.

I like them lots, and I’ll tell you why.

• It costs me less than $10 per month to run, and this includes other sites such as Sickipedia and Thingsthatmakeyougoaahh.
• They write a blog that makes me laugh.
• There’s lots of one-click-install freebees that make running a website (without a good coder to hand) much easier, including messageboards, blogs and wikis. There’s other bits too, but I’ve never needed Joomla, whatever that is.
• They were recommended to me by Tom & Fraser from Kittenwar. And they normally know what they are talking about.

Anyway, Dreamhost have an affiliate scheme which is rather popular, if open to gaming. Some people run entire online businesses by heavily promoting this system.

They’re buying ads on Google, spamming messageboards and generally being a little irritating.

So to poke these people in the eye, here is my $0 promo code.

ROBMANUEL2 – That’s $97 of pure bastard profit that I’m not putting in my pocket, simply because I love you.

Or Google about and find something similar, there’s lots of codes out there. Including people with strange cash-back schemes, which you’re welcome to try if you fancy your chances.

Anyway, if you want some hosting off Dreamhost, then make sure you use my code: ROBMANUEL2

Or if you’re feeling lovely, use the code ROBMANUEL (without the 2) and you’ll get $92 off and earn me $5.

Back in the distant past (B3ta Newsletter 84) I asked our readers this:

Sometimes I fill this section of the newsletter with whimsey, sometimes bad jokes and sometimes nuggets of good ideas that I simply can’t be arsed to persue myself.

So imagine my (belated) surprise when B3ta boarder Account88888 got in touch to say he’d actually gone and made some and would I fancy giving away a few via the site?

Figuring this was a great opportunity to get some free scarfs for winter, how could I say no?

I thought long and hard about doing a fantastic photoshoot, and then thought, fuck it, I’ll just take a couple of snaps with them drapped around some old computers.

First off is a Scramble themed scarf, keeping a Cambridge Computers Z88 toasty and warm.

Secondly we’ve got a Space Invaders one making sure that the Spectrum +2 doesn’t get a cold interface this Christmas.

Anyway. I’ve got three to give away to B3ta readers. All you have to do is complete this exciting tie-breaker in 15 words or less and add it as a comment on this very blog post.

“I love 8-bit gaming because…”

And if you can’t be arsed with bollocks compos then maybe you’d like to buy one via B2D4.

WINNERS!

Yay, we’ve got three people that B2D4 reckon are the tops, and they’re getting a scarf each.

• I’ve never been called a n00b playing missile command… (soscynicalsohip)
• 10 REM SCARF COMPETITION HACK FOR INFINATE WARMTH
  20 POKE 0121,666
  30 SYS 2059
  RUN (monkeon)
• I love 8-bit gaming because thats where I learned that men love a girl who’s a computer nerd….but not one who can beat them every time. So a scarf would keep me warm on all those victorious yet lonely nights. (onlythegirl)

My old chum Joel Veitch has recently taken leave of his senses and turned from dodgy flash animation to the production of soft toys.

He sent me through a batch the other day and I was rather pleased to see, not only are they not shit, they actually are very nice indeed.

So I decided that B3ta readers should have a chance to win some, so I got on the blower and demanded free toys for the B3ta massive.

First off, you’ll probably want to see some photos, lovingly photographed by me in B3ta Towers. This one, for example, on the official B3ta shitter. (A toilet I’ve crapped in at least 3000 times, and I estimate that Jonti Picking has shat in it probably 500 times. Joel? He’s probably only pissed in it.)

Then I tried to get clever and make a tribute to the classic internet website, “bonsai kitten.”

And to finish off, why not have all Joel’s crew in my wifes handbag?

Anyway, to stand a chance of winning the little critters, I need you to complete this tie-breaker in 15 words or less.

“If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would…”

Add you entries to the comments section on this post. Winners will be announced on the 24th of Nov. Good luck.

BTW: If you would like to buy Joels toys without having to enter a pesky competition then you might want to look at his shop.

UPDATE: Winners! We’re all winners!

Right. I’ve picked the winners, basically on what amused me at 2 in the morning. Judges decision is final etc. So four of you get one lovely toy each.
If you was Joel Veitch for the day you would…

• RAPE THE QUEEN IN HER GAPING ANUS. (Noctu)
• murder every cunt that had ever crossed me in one glorious day of vengeance. (Ben)
• I’d have a cock! So masturbate till my cock blistered and my palms bled. Nice. (Ree)
• Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just the once. (Mong The Merciless Says)

I’ll be passing your email address onto Mrs Veitch so that she can send them out. Huzzah.

The PR company associated with the publisher refused to work on the B3ta book as they were concerned that it might reflect badly on their other clients.

Spoil sports!

Anyway, so I’ve had to make do with an ad-hoc approach with me basically emailing various people I’ve met through the years and hoping for the best. Although, when I think about it, this is probably how real PR works.

Zoo Magazine: 25 Sickest Jokes Ever

Clicky for biggy.

We’ve had a few wins. Zoo magazine have done a two page spread on the book.

BTW: This is a screen grab of a proof they sent me and doesn’t include the illustration credits. I’ve checked the print version and all the credits are there in full – if in the smallest font I’ve ever seen. I would show you a scan of that, but my bloody scanner has chosen today to refuse to work.

Oh the B3ta promo the right side was was originally sold to Gillette Fusion Hydra Soothe if you are interested, and there’s no reason why you should be, but I’m vaguely curious to know whether Gillette were happy to be placed next to such filth.

Actually, I’m assume they’re fine as if you turn back a page, Gillette have another ad placed next to a photo of a Britney Spears look-a-like sucking a penis.

Anyway, I’ve replaced it with a massive plug for the book.

Evening Standard

I’ve got a confession here, I occasionally do TV title work for Victor Lewis-Smith’s company and I made sure he got a copy of the book in the post. I didn’t know he was going to write anything, and the first I heard of it was when my wife spotted my name whilst reading her paper on the tube. Hooray for Victor.

Broadcast

Steven D Wright is a columnist for TV industry magazine, Broadcast. It doesn’t hurt that he’s also the ex-boss of my wife and she slipped him a copy on the off chance he might like it. He’s come up trumps with this fantastic and amusing editorial.

The Guardian

Not exactly PR, more the happy accident that B3ta ended up in the papers and I told the journalist, “No comment. But you could mention the book if you like.”

Loved the, “Amazon best sellers” thing. My dad read that and phoned up all excited. (But hopefully he’s stopped visiting Cardiff Waterstones offering my services to do a book signing. Thanks Dad.)

Online

And taking it back to the web, we’ve had a few mentions with our friendly compeition – i.e. other UK newsletter publishers.

London by London took the time to interview me about London.

Also, there’s been The Friday Thing which cheekily asked me to write “something about Chris de Burgh” in exchange for a plug. That I don’t give a flying fuck about Chris de Burgh didn’t stop me from having a go.

And finally we’ve had a lovely plug in Popbitch, but as it was a one line thing, there isn’t much to say about the screengrab. However, you have to respect PB’s power. Did the book jump a few places or what?

Anyways. This is PR the “sitting in my bedroom in my underpants” way, if you think you can help then you know how to get in touch.Oh, and I nearly forgot. I might as well plug the book myself with a big fat Amazon link: Buy the book else the baby Jesus will cry. Rah.

Here’s a page that didn’t make the Sick Joke Book due to a last minute production issue, which was a shame as it was one of my favourite ideas: cut these jokes out and stick them in the crackers to liven up Christmas.

Anyway, you can download it as an A4 PDF for printing, and tell me if you do actually do this, this Christmas. Of course, if you’re stuck for present ideas? Buy the book.